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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
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I don't know why I always doubt my memories, well about the bad things. The good things I can seize to and go "YES OF COURSE THAT'S TRUE!" and dance around it, but the bad ones I just feel nauseous and echo though my head "it can't be, it can't be"
But really..why can't it? I confirmed with mom a memory of ducking down in the theater at godzilla...I had it scot on. I also confirmed to my grandmother that indeed I HAD been left at my dad's alone after the age of 2, because I remember these game times that happened that only ended when I was 6 or 7...all the nightmares. I don't remember the game times really, except one where we wrote a book together (which was happy) and one where this girl kept walking into the wall (sad/scary feelings with it). But I do remember I had those times and as the nightmares got worse, I got more and more scared to go to that place...and everyone saw how anxious and upset I was so my mom sat me down and asked "Cassandra do you not want to go to Yaya and Papo's with daddy anymore?" and I said a fast "No!" without even thinking. It said right to say no for some reason, but at the same time I felt really bad like I was letting them all down and didn't love them enough. As soon as I did they got so enraged my dad moved away and they wouldn't talk to me again for years...
Bubbie confirmed this all as true, even though she originally thought it wasn't. I can't remember other things now, but there's been other childhood memories I have confirmed that I just "knew" were true.
So if I just know these are true too..
Why can't they be?
It makes me sick just saying that.
All I'm saying is even with the memory gaps and the fact I can remember some good things..that the bad things could be there too, and I'm just denying them...for whatever reason I am inside..
Hopefully I can figure this all out some day, the reality =/
But really..why can't it? I confirmed with mom a memory of ducking down in the theater at godzilla...I had it scot on. I also confirmed to my grandmother that indeed I HAD been left at my dad's alone after the age of 2, because I remember these game times that happened that only ended when I was 6 or 7...all the nightmares. I don't remember the game times really, except one where we wrote a book together (which was happy) and one where this girl kept walking into the wall (sad/scary feelings with it). But I do remember I had those times and as the nightmares got worse, I got more and more scared to go to that place...and everyone saw how anxious and upset I was so my mom sat me down and asked "Cassandra do you not want to go to Yaya and Papo's with daddy anymore?" and I said a fast "No!" without even thinking. It said right to say no for some reason, but at the same time I felt really bad like I was letting them all down and didn't love them enough. As soon as I did they got so enraged my dad moved away and they wouldn't talk to me again for years...
Bubbie confirmed this all as true, even though she originally thought it wasn't. I can't remember other things now, but there's been other childhood memories I have confirmed that I just "knew" were true.
So if I just know these are true too..
Why can't they be?
It makes me sick just saying that.
All I'm saying is even with the memory gaps and the fact I can remember some good things..that the bad things could be there too, and I'm just denying them...for whatever reason I am inside..
Hopefully I can figure this all out some day, the reality =/
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1 Comments On This Entry
I cycle through the doubt and the certainty as well. It is hard and complicated to piece everything together, and you cannot really, remember with certainty. I hope you come to some understanding for yourself
chelirach,
04 January 2011 - 09:08 PM
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