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Can't Answer These Questions

Posted by FloweringRose , 03 January 2011 · 87 views

I just have this urge to walk, the feeling to go out staring at my feet as they go one two, one two. The pounding is always comforting, but at the same time what difference does it makes? It's always the same journey, not really minding where I'm heading except to feel the pavement hit my heels and remind me that I'm still alive, despite it all. But it's not really in a positive, cheery way, if you understand. It's more a robotic movement, a telling to the circuit board "Yeah, we're still running" before feeding in the same programming I always hear. A memory here and there, of M**e and love, of love and confusion, of Dad *shudders* and of the hidden world beneath the ice I cannot seem to pick. I feel frozen from the chest outward most times, and I wonder if I will ever get out of this endless loop of thoughts and feelings. It's always the same, yet it isn't. The realizations are new, but always the same subject matter. "He/They hurt me" "Well how'd he/they hurt me?" "Well this is how.. (insert new or old memory)" "Can I get over this? I miss him/my innocence/my mind/having a different life." So right now it feels pointless to pick myself up for the same old routine. What is the point of the routine at all?

I will listen to the same music, or at least music with the same subject matter. I will stare at the same sky and feel these same emotions, of hope flooded in by deep, heavy sadness, confusion, a touch of madness and maybe a little rage, if I'm lucky. I will search again for those right words and on returning home will write yet another poem. And yet again I will miss the point, this target on my soul that I will hit to go "Aha! I finally got it", and be able to carry on with the rest of existence and being, with this search behind me. But the search continues, seeming never ending. And as I carry on, the questions just seem to get bigger and bigger, the gaps getting wider and wider. Will I solve this before my time runs out? Will all this worrying and circling be for nought? Will I *ever* come to grasp or understand this body, this mind, this place I seem to float through? Is this home, a hotel, or something else completely? What is *everything*.

That's a mighty big question to ask. No wonder I keep pacing around it in all the ways I do. I keep getting my mind focused on these things even geniuses have gone insane for. How do I make myself accept the unanswerable ?Now that is a better question.

Jan 03 2011 02:37 PM
It's the trying that counts. It's the fact that even after it all; you STILL continue to try.

Hang in there Flowering Rose you are still healing even though you don't think you are.

I also think there are many answers that we will never know the answer to and it is about coming to a place within yourself where you reconcile this within that there won't be answers to these questions that I continually ask. Otherwise you are wasting precious energy that could be more positively used on your healing.....

This is just my humble opinion. Keep writing though. You do it so beautifully. You capture things in words that I could only dream of doing. You have a wonderful talent and maybe, just maybe this will help with your healing?!?

Take gentle care because it is what you deserve
biw x

June 2016

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