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I feel like dealing with all this sh*t and not repressing the memories has reduced my IQ, both emotionally and intellectually. I KNOW this doesn't make any sense; but I feel I've been so concentrated on my emotions and memories and flashbacks and sorting it all out that a part of my brain has just shut down. Now, you could say I'm more balanced, but one time literacy and school were my life. They were what defined me to myself and others; no matter how sad that sounds, I prided myself on my academics, it was all I had.
So I was out with people I used to spend all my time with, people considered the "gifted" of society. It was nice, but one corrected me on a grammatical mistake I made, not in a mean way or anything but it just made the reality crash on me. I haven't been doing much in the way of schooling or science... plenty of writing and hypnosis but still, not the mainstream forms of education. And maybe I have lost my touch! Maybe I'll lost my space in the one group I could sort of call home (the intellects), for what? Mostly guys who have tried to hurt me and people I can't relate to either.
I don't know if this makes any sense; but it seems everyone is organized by certain life histories, goals, interests, knowledge etc. and I fit everywhere yet nowhere. Gah.
And just maybe the alcohol or eating or we*d or SI finally got to my head and killed a few brain cells. I don't know. I just want to be a good person! A person worth life. I'm so tired of feeling everything but, no matter where I go or who I'm with.
I even got sick and had to leave early. Just always feels like I'm the last out of everybody; the least wanted. Won't I ever feel equal to everyone else too?
Sorry for this rant. It's silly. I just don't want to lose the only thing that ever made me special or good. Sigh...