Jump to content


SA Draining My Self/Intelligence?

Posted by FloweringRose , 29 December 2010 · 86 views

This is NOT meant to insult. This is just me bashing on myself and no one else in their healing process is included.

I feel like dealing with all this sh*t and not repressing the memories has reduced my IQ, both emotionally and intellectually. I KNOW this doesn't make any sense; but I feel I've been so concentrated on my emotions and memories and flashbacks and sorting it all out that a part of my brain has just shut down. Now, you could say I'm more balanced, but one time literacy and school were my life. They were what defined me to myself and others; no matter how sad that sounds, I prided myself on my academics, it was all I had.

So I was out with people I used to spend all my time with, people considered the "gifted" of society. It was nice, but one corrected me on a grammatical mistake I made, not in a mean way or anything but it just made the reality crash on me. I haven't been doing much in the way of schooling or science... plenty of writing and hypnosis but still, not the mainstream forms of education. And maybe I have lost my touch! Maybe I'll lost my space in the one group I could sort of call home (the intellects), for what? Mostly guys who have tried to hurt me and people I can't relate to either.

I don't know if this makes any sense; but it seems everyone is organized by certain life histories, goals, interests, knowledge etc. and I fit everywhere yet nowhere. Gah.

And just maybe the alcohol or eating or we*d or SI finally got to my head and killed a few brain cells. I don't know. I just want to be a good person! A person worth life. I'm so tired of feeling everything but, no matter where I go or who I'm with.

I even got sick and had to leave early. Just always feels like I'm the last out of everybody; the least wanted. Won't I ever feel equal to everyone else too?

Sorry for this rant. It's silly. I just don't want to lose the only thing that ever made me special or good. Sigh...

I completely understand what you are talking about. I have felt the same way for awhile.
I feel the same way about not repressing the CSA that I experienced. It would definitely be easier for me to do so, because like you, I feel like all I am focusing on is the flashbacks and memories and panic attacks and everything else that comes with this. It is hard for me to focus on my schoolwork now that I am not repressing these things. I have always been known for being the academic girl, but it doesn't make me special. I truly think that what I went through is what makes me special, what makes me the academic girl that I can still be. I hope you think that this is true when pertaining to yourself :)

July 2016

242526 27 282930

Recent Entries

Recent Comments

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.