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I am a mess, a constant blubbering mess. Looking out the window today all these thoughts raced...so real one second, not so much the next. Trying to write this now before it's lost, but still can feel it fading what I knew was true then and will be true again.
Just can't help but drift strangely through consciousness. Sometimes I feel what I think would be normal...happyish, a human being. Sometimes I don't feel real at all though, not being able to put a finger on this thing that is existence...other times I don't feel human at all. See people celebrate and drink and dance and laugh and cry...and I feel so inhuman then because cannot seem to do any of these things quite right or on cue and sometimes can't even relate to them. Sometimes I am a blob of God knows what... other times, a quiet voice with no body, other times a drifting figure on someone else's life and other times an emotional monster.
Can't seem to get my facts straight sometimes. Feels as if I wake up with the boyfriend sometimes, snapping into the fact we're dating and wondering when'd THAT happen? Like I can't remember all the details that came between and I woke from a dream.. everything can feel like a dream sometimes. Where do I/we/whatever this is go during those times? Really don't know. Also know the ex is real but even today was wondering if he'd been imagined up. It's known that some of us felt normal things with him like love and cuddling and family and daily pressures...but it seems so far from that now. It seems more like a storybook all the things that happened and how did it get to be so non-real? How come it seems so otherworldly and hurtful...maybe it was but...why couldn't we handle it like normal people? Why didn't it stay grounded in regular life... though ab*se shouldn't but... one time it didn't seem so out of place... I think.
What is real in the world? Sometimes the sky seems painted and I could rip it down if I tried. Or that it's some collective pulse that somehow makes a picture and could be strung apart...other times it's physical and "normal" guessing. But what am I to say what is what? So confused... it feels like the fantasy and reality are melting into each other too much >.< Don't get how to explain this in regular words, since can barely wrap my head around it.
When will anything ever be concrete or factual? When will life ever be linear and make sense? When will the memories stay and not drift in and out, with panic and sadness and numbness and then just poof, gone, as if it'd never happened?
Don't know.
Maybe this is called "losing it" for good :S
Just can't help but drift strangely through consciousness. Sometimes I feel what I think would be normal...happyish, a human being. Sometimes I don't feel real at all though, not being able to put a finger on this thing that is existence...other times I don't feel human at all. See people celebrate and drink and dance and laugh and cry...and I feel so inhuman then because cannot seem to do any of these things quite right or on cue and sometimes can't even relate to them. Sometimes I am a blob of God knows what... other times, a quiet voice with no body, other times a drifting figure on someone else's life and other times an emotional monster.
Can't seem to get my facts straight sometimes. Feels as if I wake up with the boyfriend sometimes, snapping into the fact we're dating and wondering when'd THAT happen? Like I can't remember all the details that came between and I woke from a dream.. everything can feel like a dream sometimes. Where do I/we/whatever this is go during those times? Really don't know. Also know the ex is real but even today was wondering if he'd been imagined up. It's known that some of us felt normal things with him like love and cuddling and family and daily pressures...but it seems so far from that now. It seems more like a storybook all the things that happened and how did it get to be so non-real? How come it seems so otherworldly and hurtful...maybe it was but...why couldn't we handle it like normal people? Why didn't it stay grounded in regular life... though ab*se shouldn't but... one time it didn't seem so out of place... I think.
What is real in the world? Sometimes the sky seems painted and I could rip it down if I tried. Or that it's some collective pulse that somehow makes a picture and could be strung apart...other times it's physical and "normal" guessing. But what am I to say what is what? So confused... it feels like the fantasy and reality are melting into each other too much >.< Don't get how to explain this in regular words, since can barely wrap my head around it.
When will anything ever be concrete or factual? When will life ever be linear and make sense? When will the memories stay and not drift in and out, with panic and sadness and numbness and then just poof, gone, as if it'd never happened?
Don't know.
Maybe this is called "losing it" for good :S
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FloweringRose likes this
2 Comments On This Entry
Rose, You haven't lst it at all.. You are struggling so much, and given what you have been through, its normal.. You have so much strength in the way your able to write... I know what its like to be so alone, or not even to be cknowledged out there in the real world.. But in here, your heard.. I hear every word you say, want to take your pain away.. I can relate to so much of what you say.. Please know that people here care, i care..
ringo968,
26 December 2010 - 02:31 AM
I agree with dani, we all care about you and everyone else here @ Pandys. I also understand your amazement when it comes to your bf, I'm still surprised that my bff D wants to stay friends after knowing what I went through, and when I asked him about it he said what happened wasn't my fault. Just like what happened to you wasn't your fault. ((((Rose)))
blondie2002,
26 December 2010 - 11:33 AM
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