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Thinking of Too Many Things..Sigh

Posted by FloweringRose , 16 December 2010 · 84 views

This time of year always sends me for a head spin. I wonder if the month of december or January will ever be happy ones for me? Perhaps...

But I guess I got what I wished for. To remember my past and deal with that rather than my ex M. It took a while, but it's here. And the dissociation has been incredibly horrible, and I get all these freaky flashes and body sensations, I hope to G-d they're not real and my mind has imagined it all up and I've just gone nuts... Who knows anymore. I'm just scared... I'm not sleeping anymore... I get these super horrible ideations in my head, before I wake up back to normal. SIGH. I hope I don't flip over the edge soon.

Yet it seems with this, I'm starting to run back into my feelings for my ex M...like the loving ones. SIGH. It's the season in part, since he was the only good Christmas I ever had. But it's also that's always how I deal with trauma and pain; I run back into his loving arms in my mind.
But he's not loving anymore. HE'S NOT EVEN ALLOWED IN MY LIFE! My brain won't get that because it doesn't want to. It's like my safety net is ripped form right out under me, even though it's been so long since he was safe.

I guess that betrayal is what broke me wide open. I was the face for the world, the perfect one to go on. And then he came and broke the mask, and revealed everything underneath too :Crying: Not to mention to add his own little nuances into that awful mix inside.

I miss him being safe for me :( But he'd say things like "A girl should feel complimented if she's r**ed, it means she's hot because the guy couldn't resist her." SIGH.

I REALLY want to contact him. I've been fighting the need to since last January...but it doesn't ever seem to get easier, just goes away and comes back just as strong. I've got to fight it as always. I'm so tired of fighting!! I'm so tired :crying: I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of hoping the loving self will magically reappear, hold me and tell me all the in between wasn't real. It never mattered, he still loves me, he's sorry.

I'm so tired of everything right now. I'm running on no sleep, I keep waiting to lose grip on reality once more, and having these crazy SI and SSI urges. I miss sweet, I miss Ella and Pepi, I miss other friends who are still alive..I'm scared for my poor gf and B. I feel so helpless. Won't it get easier soon? Please? Please? Please?

Oh hon' *hugs* It makes sense to me why a part of you mentally runs back into those loving arms and you revisit the loving feelings.... LOVE is a powerful emotion and even in our minds, our memories, it is capable of releasing endorphins and other feel-good chemicals into our bloodstream... LOVE does feel good, emotionally and physically... it's our biology. You aren't to blame for your biology, or the fact that a part of you knows that at least one way to get those feel-good biochemicals pumping is to remember love known, felt, experienced.... it's not your fault that he instilled some less than pleasant memories into the shared space... in time, you'll be able to separate the two or remove him specifically from your sense and body-remembrance of LOVE and let those biochemicals flow WITHOUT bringing the ugly stuff along for the ride.

I'm sure you've been told, but maybe you haven't, but rape is a crime of violence - not sex. People are violent in different ways, sometimes that is rape, sometimes it's using an object as a weapon or something designed intentionally as a weapon, sometimes it's a fist or a foot, sometimes it's just words... violence comes in many forms. I don't know if it will help you right now or not to know that it wasn't about sex and that what he told you about how it should be flattering is bogus, but I hope it does.

You keep holding onto those feel-good emotions, just try to remove him from the equation... perhaps finding in your memory a LOVE you have known before... maybe you had a brief encounter with someone's puppy that licked your hands or face, and for that brief period of time and a little while after, you had a smile on your face and a happiness within you... maybe a scene from a movie where a particular character did something that made you smile, or did such a good job on-screen that you felt the love... I'd send you a fuzzy little kitten I've got here in need of a home if I could... she's all about the LOVE.. purr, nuzzle, snuggle, looks into your eyes with her big blue eyes (she's a lynx - the pattern, not the wild-cat breed)... you can find the LOVE all around you in the littlest of things and they be unrelated to the bad you experienced.

You make it through the holidaze and I'll see you on the other side, okay? It's a lousy time for me starting anniversarially the day before Thanksgiving, but the onset starting before that, and then wading through the rest of it.... If all else fails, maybe watch some Monty Python? Laughter is good medicine. :)

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