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But I guess I got what I wished for. To remember my past and deal with that rather than my ex M. It took a while, but it's here. And the dissociation has been incredibly horrible, and I get all these freaky flashes and body sensations, I hope to G-d they're not real and my mind has imagined it all up and I've just gone nuts... Who knows anymore. I'm just scared... I'm not sleeping anymore... I get these super horrible ideations in my head, before I wake up back to normal. SIGH. I hope I don't flip over the edge soon.
Yet it seems with this, I'm starting to run back into my feelings for my ex M...like the loving ones. SIGH. It's the season in part, since he was the only good Christmas I ever had. But it's also that's always how I deal with trauma and pain; I run back into his loving arms in my mind.
But he's not loving anymore. HE'S NOT EVEN ALLOWED IN MY LIFE! My brain won't get that because it doesn't want to. It's like my safety net is ripped form right out under me, even though it's been so long since he was safe.
I guess that betrayal is what broke me wide open. I was the face for the world, the perfect one to go on. And then he came and broke the mask, and revealed everything underneath too :Crying: Not to mention to add his own little nuances into that awful mix inside.
I miss him being safe for me :(/> But he'd say things like "A girl should feel complimented if she's r**ed, it means she's hot because the guy couldn't resist her." SIGH.
I REALLY want to contact him. I've been fighting the need to since last January...but it doesn't ever seem to get easier, just goes away and comes back just as strong. I've got to fight it as always. I'm so tired of fighting!! I'm so tired :crying: I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of hoping the loving self will magically reappear, hold me and tell me all the in between wasn't real. It never mattered, he still loves me, he's sorry.
I'm so tired of everything right now. I'm running on no sleep, I keep waiting to lose grip on reality once more, and having these crazy SI and SSI urges. I miss sweet, I miss Ella and Pepi, I miss other friends who are still alive..I'm scared for my poor gf and B. I feel so helpless. Won't it get easier soon? Please? Please? Please?