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I wish I was good at making things "spotless". Nothing ever seems to get cleaned around me; I'm just this magnet for messes, house messes, accident messes, personal messes, messes of all sorts.
And I scrub and scrub but nothing ever seems to get less. Sometimes it just gets more cluttered. And I get so overwhelmed, so drained of energy, I just want to let it pile up.
Who cares about making it look better or feel better or be healthy?
It never seems to amount to that good place anyways.
I don't even care about my body and self half the time...why my room? Why the way I look? Why what others think?
I don't know. I wish I cared more or right or whatever it would take to function.
I'm not meaning to overwhelm anyone or be a slob or a tornado or a freak. I just have so much trouble getting to the ending point of everything.
And my soul is dirty and stained it seems. No amount of washing and cleaning is ever going to fix this giant black mark inside me. Gah.
Why can't I be normal and do normal day things?
Why do the simplest little things overwhelm me so? What's wrong with me? Why does this simple part of existing make me so crazy?
If only I could clean up my mind...
And I scrub and scrub but nothing ever seems to get less. Sometimes it just gets more cluttered. And I get so overwhelmed, so drained of energy, I just want to let it pile up.
Who cares about making it look better or feel better or be healthy?
It never seems to amount to that good place anyways.
I don't even care about my body and self half the time...why my room? Why the way I look? Why what others think?
I don't know. I wish I cared more or right or whatever it would take to function.
I'm not meaning to overwhelm anyone or be a slob or a tornado or a freak. I just have so much trouble getting to the ending point of everything.
And my soul is dirty and stained it seems. No amount of washing and cleaning is ever going to fix this giant black mark inside me. Gah.
Why can't I be normal and do normal day things?
Why do the simplest little things overwhelm me so? What's wrong with me? Why does this simple part of existing make me so crazy?
If only I could clean up my mind...
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2 Comments On This Entry
Oh, honey. Your soul lies untouched by the filth that has harmed you so terribly. You've been traumatized. This makes "normal" things difficult sometimes. You can get through this! I have faith in you! 
Much Love!
Much Love!
Susan,
14 December 2010 - 09:05 PM
Out of curiosity, are you also a micro-manager type? I get overwhelmed by the state of things in the domestic scene - I won't even get into how bad things are, can be/get, etc. But when I look at, say, a room that is totally over-cluttered, needs to be organized and cleaned, I set myself to it. But, I'm a micro-manager/micro-organizer. I can't do just a general cleaning. I HAVE to organize everything - so I start with something like a "junk drawer" and hear my mother in my head "everything has its place and everything in its place" and I can spend an entire day working on that - and at the end of the day, the whole room still looks like hell and chances are I didn't finish just that one drawer. The flipside is if I "allow" someone else to clean it, they throw out things they shouldn't because they don't care... I'm still trying to find a happy-medium between my micro-organizing/managing and a general cleaning/organizing. I keep trying, even though most of the time I just feel flat out overwhelmed and disgusted... but I keep trying. (this comment consciously/intentionally leaving out the factor of other people I live with - because I don't want to get started with any sort of "blaming", even if it is applicable)
GPSing,
18 December 2010 - 04:27 PM
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