Pandora's Aquarium: If You Really Knew Me... - Pandora's Aquarium

If you really knew me, you'd see the pain buried underneath my eyes. You'd know that sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I'm too busy trying to calm myself out of a panic to truthfully answer the "how are you" you've just asked. And you'd know that I'm not keeping it from you because I don't care for you or because I don't trust you, but probably because it's just too hard to talk about, or I know you'd feel hurt by what I'd have to say. You'd know to respect that; and maybe if you knew me really well, you'd know that you could give me a hug anyways and it would mean the absolute world to me.

If you really knew me, you'd know that I have a lot on my plate. You'd know that on top of work and school and life planning, I have to cater to 14 other people's needs inside my head...all while juggling my dating, my mental health, my physical health, all these confused memories and the situations that life throws a person. You'd know to be gentle with me, because you'd realize I'm a big girl who really does know what she does and doesn't do wrong...and often the criticism you might think to pull out is something I've already long and hard drawn through my mind, to the point where it's unhealthy. Yet you'd know I find a way to bounce back through everything. And you'd know that even though sometimes it doesn't seem as if I'm making progress, I'm preparing myself for the next step forward; and I need *my* space to go through my own personal cycle. You'd know to be patient; and you'd know to believe in me that it really is rough, but that I'll still be okay.

If you really knew me you'd know when I mean "no" and when I mean "yes". You'd see my nervous tick of laughing hysterically when I'm frightened; and you'd realize that a maybe where I can't look you in the eyes is probably a no, or at least you should check if I'm okay. You'd know that pushing me onto a bed or spinning me around in head games only triggers me into dissociation and flashbacks. And so any action, or more likely inaction, I do doesn't mean you have my consent. And you would know that even though it might not be enough to take us to a court of law, it is enough to break my heart a little more and hurt me on a deep level. And hopefully, if you really knew me, you would never want to do that to me.

If you really knew me, you'd realize how much strength it can take me just to get up in the morning or phone a friend when I need them. You'd know that I really do appreciate help and that if you were to send me an encouraging email once in a while or just give me a smile when I do something I'm proud of, it will truly make my heart burst. You'd know that I am easily pleased; and you'd know that this easy affection and kindness is not something I am ready to be taken advantage of for. You'd know that I am a fighter, and yet hopefully you would never fight me, knowing how much love I will have for you in my heart.

If you really knew me, you'd know that despite it all, despite any breakdown or fear or past of mine, that I am still a real person. You'd know that I have feelings, dreams, hopes, cares, disappointments and triumphs. You'd know that I love to laugh wholeheartedly and appreciate a good sunrise; you might even know that I only eat Kraft dinner with ketchup and I love to dance in my room when nobody's watching. You'd appreciate my quirks, my gestures and how I will always be there for you no matter what. And, above all, you'd know that even though the abuse is a big part of why I am the way I am, it is NOT me. I am so much more than that.

And if you knew me, all of me, and still stuck by my side...then I can promise you that I will get to know all of you and be truly by your side. And I will never leave.