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I know none of you met me and knew of me before I kind of knew I was a survivor, but I grew up being one of those uptight, trying to be perfect people hiding all the pain beneath.
I also had a set of morals handed down very careful to me from my grandmother/family I suppose.
Don't date girls....check I've done that.
Don't drink...check I've done that. (Include other substances under this)
Don't fail classes...check
Don't think about not going to university or being a doctor...check
Don't think about abandoning judaism...check.
Don't think about being a boy...check.
Yeah I've basically broken EVERY set rule I had about myself. I'm DID, I have mental illness coming out every corner, I've SI'ed, I want a tattoo, have met a brilliant amount of people of EVERY type, including those that I was told were "Bad". And honestly I love people and human experience. I love breaking the limits now.
I still have not fully embraced the fact that maybe I don't want to be married and end up with one person. I think that was the one that was most concretely part of me; that being with more than one person was automatically cheating and wrong. That I'd date, love and marry just one.
And here I am breaking that rule too!
Just when I close my eyes and imagine perfect love, I see her and him on my side. Happy, loyal but to both of them. Not like they'd support that; they both enjoy being with me, they're ok with the other one being with me but they don't want to do it together. They're slightly jealous and I get that; why aren't I jealous? I'd be happier if they loved each other too and we could be a three. It's like that jealousy doesn't click in my head. Actually the only time I care if they're attracted to or with someone else is if I'm afraid I'll lose them to that person (which is rare, since like I said have that agreement and all). But otherwise, as long as I have them still, I'm ok.
I don't think people will understand. They're shocked enough at how much I've changed; how would I ever even explain to people I'm with two people like that? How is this going to work out? It's going to break my heart to the center to lose either of them or choose if it comes to that. If only they could love each other too and then that would never be a possibility.
And a part of me feels like well I must be messed up. Normal people don't want this. Normal people just want one boy or girl. But it's weird: even with my ex I always have one girl and one boy I'm attracted to. No one else; but it's like I need both those energies. I guess that comes my bigenderism. But I don't know.
Hopefully this will all work out! And I'll put my head around it soon enough. I really do love them both so much; I hope they understand that