Forgiveness: Can I Find It In Me?
Right now I'm okay but it gets so overwhelming sometimes I want to hurt something. Let something else feel all the pain I have felt inside me for years without ever being helped. Why did my family not reach out to me more? Why did it take until I was 16 to find out my dad raped me at 2? What was the purpose of all the years in between of self destruction and hate and disgust and fear of others and eventually finding myself almost getting raped again? I can't help feeling angry over the loss I've had. Firstly at my dad for even donig such a disgusting act. Why did I DESERVE this? Why would he cause so much pain and terror in my life? I went into my own world for so lnog and was nearly described as "autistic" because of his actions. My own FATHER who's supposed to love me.
I get angry at me too. I must've done SOMETHING wrong. Bad things aren't supposed to happen to good people. I'm not supposed to get raped and abused. I'm not supposed to be made to feel like an animal in some stranger's eyes and useful for nothing but my vagina. Like dirt he can molest and throw to die. And yet I did. So I must've somehow broguht this upon myself. Somehow. It's ahrd to shake that feeling that I made this happen even at the age of 2. And god my whole life I have been donig nothing but trying to hurt myself and ruin myself because of all this.
I just wish I could get those years back. Wsih I could, at least if not get my innocence fully, get the therapy I should've gotten and the loving support from my family. Before I isolated myself from people and hurt myself and made bad choices and made the happines I had found fall away. Don't get me wrong I think I can rediscover it. But I just wish that I wouldn't have had to go through all this pain if noe person had just changed one thing. GRAWR! Fathers aren't supposed to do this to thier little girls. I should be cherished by him Not torn apart. It is not fair in the least =(
So finally I get mad at god and the world. Why do bad things like this even exist? Why does ANYONE deserve all this suffering and inner turmoil? Why would he give me that dad, why wouldn't he stop them, why can't the world punish him, why is that awful man off in a hospital somewhere pretending to heal people when he broke me? Why should I have to feel the shame of knowing my own father took my virginity? Why is the world like this! All I ever tried to do was be good and give back. And this is waht i get? It's all so confusing sometimes and I get so sad and angry.
But this si the frist steps. It's all coming to the surface. Maybe now i can work it out, instead of hurting ymself or trying to kill myself. Now I can heal myself and realize it isn't all me. Maybe I can find forgiveness.
I really really hope so. I'm done having this eat me alive inside, since it has for a long time, even when I didn't realize it.