Pandora's Aquarium: Frustrated with myself - Pandora's Aquarium

I feel like I am constantly doing something to sabotage myself. I mean I have people in my life who care about me and who I think would support me in whatever way I needed them to, but I can't seem to let them. I keep pushing myself to work with my T who I have been seeing for over a year now, but yet I still find myself holding back a lot and not really letting her get too close. I worked really hard to lose almost a hundred pounds in the past and now I can't seem to get my eating under control and have gained back almost 25 pounds. I make all of these goals for myself and have these expectations for myself and yet I can't seem to live up to them. When I let myself down I end up hating myself even more and it feels like it validates all of the horriblethings they said to me during the abuse. I feel like they were right and I really am a pathetic, worthless, disgusting, unlovable, horrific person and if I am all of these things how can I expect anyone to ever really care about me and if I am never going to have someone really care about me then I will always feel this alone and miserable and that is a horrible feeling to have.