I haven't written anything in this blog in almost 2 years.. it is weird seeing how much has changed. Right after I wrot my last blog entry my grandfather died. He died suddenly on oct 3, 2006. He was my support system, my security blanket, the thing that got me through all of the hard stuff- and the good. He lived less than 20 minutes from me, I saw him every day and practically lived at his house during school vacations. He was the one I called when I was sick, when my parents were fighting, when I was a mess. He was the one I called when my car broke down, when I was homesick at college, when I needed to know how much a cord of wood cost for one of my clients. He was such an amazing, wonderful man. My entire world shattered when he died. I thought that the abuse I had gone through was the worst thing I would ever have to experience, but losing him was a million times harder. I am just now starting to be able to talk about him and what he means to me. I still can't see his picture without feeling like my heart will break in half. I started seeing a T for the first time ever about 9 months after he died because I was afraid I would kill myself without help. It is a long process, but with the amazing support and help of a very good T I am starting to allow myself to work through the grief process and the issues surrounding the abuse. She has helped me see how my previous trauma and PTSD has made losing him a million times harder because he was that one person I knew I was safe with, knew loved me unconditionally, and knew I could depend on to be there- when he died, especially because it was so sudden it was like a whole new trauma and I went into extreme grief, then into shock and survival mode which led to compounded grief and an increase in the PTSD. Anyways... a lot of rambling, but basically the last year and half have been both incredibly challenging and also hugely beneficial. I can see myself working towards becoming a healthier person, even though the daily struggle is still very hard. I am going to make a conscious effort to journal here more often and if anyone ever reads these entries please drop me a line or pm me- I would love to make some connections with people.