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So tired of it

Posted by JadeAngel , 26 April 2014 · 168 views

I'm tired. I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of the triggers. I'm tired of the flashbacks. I'm tired of the anxiety. It's been so many years. A few weeks ago I had a... audio flashback? I don't know.. but I hadn't heard his voice in years. Not clearly. I managed to at least not remember it clearly. I don't know what happened, what triggered it. But it was so painful. I couldn't stop crying, I felt like I was dieing inside. I couldn't collect myself to utter so much as a word. I couldn't make the voice go away. Then I was so depressed for the next couple of days, just constantly fighting that voice, constantly trying to find distractions. Then it happened again a week later. I did better. I tried so hard to control it. It still hurt so much, but I didn't cry as hard. I didn't let my husband know this 2nd time because I'm tired of it effecting me. I know he doesn't think poorly of me for it, but I don't want him to get as tired of me as I am of myself. I'm still fighting it a little, but that memory is not repeating itself as often in the last couple of weeks. Why? After so many years... why the hell should I have to hurt as if it's so fresh. Why should I have to remember those things so clearly... it's agony.

It's agony to hate myself. I'm 2 extremes. I am a very positive person otherwise. I am so thankful for all I have, I think I'm happy in every other way, and more appreciative than most for what I have... but then I have a nightmare or some random crap memory like that and I'm depressed. Then I am in so much pain and I just want it to go away. My sweet husband... I may think many things about him on different topics, but he can be a really amazing guy. He actually triggered me with something he said, and I told him I don't want to talk about it. I never say that... I never tell him I won't talk about it... but lately I've been struggling. He actually started throwing out every random topic to try and immediately distract me before I started getting memories like I did a few weeks ago... and when my mood didn't change quickly, he actually tried to start a fight with me (I don't mean a physical one... but bickering type thing). It was so random, and he wasn't acting like he does when he's upset... I thought it was funny.  Starting a fight as a means to distract me. I know most would be like wtf? but it was very sweet of him.

It's been ok this last week. The memories have calmed a bit again. I just wish it didn't hurt so much just to be me. I wish I didn't feel so broken.

Apr 27 2014 06:36 AM
I can honestly tell u it get better. It may not seem like wright now cause it still fresh on your mind.I used to wake in the middle of the night crying my eyes out and doing nothing but blaming myself.but then I realized the only thing I did wss try to help a friend out and that isn't something I should blame myself for what happen to me. The same with u once u find something that makes u feel good about yourself the easier it gets.I started with going back to school then I met someone from my past that knew me before my rape and now we have two kids and were getting married. I known deep down he protect me from everything bad that comes into my life and as long as I keep myself out of bad situation I can protect myself and my kids from the same situation. I have a lot to live for and I don't think my kids need to see or understand what happen to me cause how can I protect them from the same situation when I'm feeling that pain all the time.so I over came it slowly but I new I had to cause they deserved someone who didn't live in fear that could protect them.

June 2016

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