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Does he even like me?

Posted by JadeAngel , 01 July 2013 · 174 views

there are many times in my life that I just sit and wonder... looking at my wrists and wishing I could cut them. A part of me wishing I had ended my life many years ago. It's not that I don't appreciate what I have. I do... but I feel there's always going to be something there to take away my happiness and crush it. In this case, my husband. I love him more than he knows, but I often wonder if he really loves me. I mean... true love. I have always taken him for all he is. There are some things about him I just can not stand. To sum it up I could say his "negativity" but that's not really an easy way to say it. I often feel like I will NEVER be enough for him. He will never be happy with who I am. And then I wonder why he ever married me if he never intended to accept me for who I am.

He complains endlessly. Maybe he doesn't see it, even with I point it out. But it's non stop complaints. From the moment we wake up, until the moment I drop him off to work. From the moment I pick him up until the moment we go to bed. And when he complains it's not in a "I'd like to talk to you about this" and start the discussion in a way that would make someone feel comfortable discussing it with him. It's always in a whining, irritable, foul, bitter way that simply makes me want to tape his mouth shut and get away from him. Why does he have to do that!? Why can't he grow the fuck up! Why can't he express his concerns in a mature adult to adult fashion, and not remniscent of a toddler throwing a tantrum!?

And past the complaining there is the irritability. I can say something insignificant or completely harmless and he goes off in such a bitter tone! The other day I smacked his ass joking around, and I guess I did it to hard. Instead of telling me "that was too hard!" or something mild like that, he goes off "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?" as though he thought I was trying to hurt him. Now nevermind that he is obsessed with my rear end and constantly smacking or pinching it and sometimes I will tell him he hurt... but I never yell at him. But it's fine for him to do that? The hypocrite. And then yesterday we were in the kitchen, and I just asked him to throw something in the garbage because he was literally standing right next to it. His reaction? "why do I have to do everything for you!? Why can't you do something by yourself for once" That one I actually hear a lot. Every time I ask him to do something like give me something or put something away it is because he is either right next to the object, or because he's going downstairs and I needed him to bring something downstairs. But every time it's this reaction of utter bitterness.

And then there's his negativity. Life always sucks. Anything happens and life sucks. He doesn't know what the fuck he even has in this life! He says how much he loves our daughter and I... but then the moment he has a hard day at work, "life sucks". You know what!? LIFE does not suck, darling. YOU DO!!!!!! To talk so foul of a life you've formed with your wife and child... of a life where you have all the things you wanted. You have your 3d tv, your 3d blu rays, your game consoles, games, movies, figures, computer, surround sound system... you have everything you always wanted.......... but life sucks? If life sucks, get the fuck away from me and my child! If you think your life is so horrible, then go find a new life that actually makes you happy!

But I don't think that will ever even happen. I don't think anything will make that man happy. For years Ive felt inadequate in his eyes. I will never be enough. I will never be good enough. So I know I can be lazy, and I hate to cook. Lately I have been working to change that. I asked him that the only thing that he change is his anger. That he things before he talks, and not say things so rashly for stupid insignificant situations. That is the only thing I asked of him. So I cleaned the 1st floor spotless. And I asked simply that he doesn't make it messier by leaving his crap all over the floor, that he picks up his clothing from the bathroom and NOT leave dishes with food still in the sink. In fact... I've even picked up the only choir he ever did around the house (the garbage). In the last 3 weeks, he has not 1 time taken out the garbage. I do that now. I have been cooking over the stove 1 or 2 big meals a day. Nice 3 or 4 course meals. So it's dinner at the table like he always said he wanted. And the rain... oh the rain has been making the yard grow like crazy. So I have been mowing the lawn every week too. That, in itself, is a pain in the ass. Our yard is not insanely large, but it is not small either. I have a gas powered push mower, and our yard is at a slope, with a hill on it too. Mowing it is really such a pain.

So 3 days ago I cooked A LOT in 1 day, and didn't get around to cleaning the dishes the day after. Ok... granted the kitchen has been a little mess for 2 days then. And he wanted me to clean upstairs, so since I put it off for a little bit... I asked him simply that he helps me clean the hall and the bathroom. He said sure. But then he never did. I asked him and he didn't help me. So what are we left at here? The kitchen is a bit of a mess but I'm going to go put the dishes away and it will be clean, no problem. The rest of the downstairs i have kept clean (not easy with a slob of a husband and a toddler) but I have. I do the trash and mow the lawn and basically EVERYTHING to do with house or yard work, is MY responsibility . But he works, so he always says because I'm a stay at home mom, everything should fall on me. Nevermind that every man I know will at least do the lawn even when they are working and their wife is a stay at home mom. Because they don't make excuses.

So what am I getting at here? We have been planning to have a second child. The happiest moment of my life was when he told me that we would try for a second. But now he says, because I haven't gotten the 2nd floor done, he has decided we won't have a second. And I tell him the reason I haven't finished the 2nd floor is because he lied and said he'd help me with 2 rooms and hasn't lifted a finger to help... but has made them progressively worse anyway. Of course then he goes off about how he works and it's my responsibility and blah blah blah. But then when I bring up the fact that he hasn't done a damn thing to change what I asked him too, he says "well you haven't changed either" FUCK YOU! I have been working so hard to change what you ask of me! How dare you not notice anything! How dare you belittle my efforts as an excuse to continue being such a negative bitter jerk!!!

And so I went on a walk. And I sat on the walking bridge over the highway. I found a small piece of glass and I kept scratching at my wrist. In no serious effort, but curious of how much it hurt... and secretly wishing I had had the courage to end my life when I was a child and thought about it so often. But I'm a coward. I couldn't do it then, and I can't do it now. And wondering if I would be better off without him. If what he said had made me hate him enough to leave. And then I think... maybe he doesn't really love me. He does not act like it at least. But I do love him. But then I think does he really even love me? He can not accept me for who I am. He can not be understanding and appreciative of what I do. He sees nothing I do. And nothing I ever do will be good enough for him. He says I'm "hot" but then constantly asks me to dress up and wear make up. I don't wear make up. I hate it, it makes me uncomfortable. But he is obviously not happy with how I look, or he would not constantly ask me that... despite the many times I've told him that it hurts me that he talks like I need to change how I look.

It's really quite pathetic. He claims that I have low self esteem... but in the end I think the only times I doubt myself... who I am and how I look.... is not because I don't like myself, but because I feel HE does not like me. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with how I look. I like myself! Why can the man I marry not act like he likes me too! Why do I feel like I an not enough for him!? I have low self esteem, do I? No. I am happy with me. It is YOU who talks like I am not enough! YOU have the low esteem in the woman you married. YOU make the woman you married feel inadequate, unattractive, good for nothing. And it makes me feel so damn angry that you do this to me! Because I know I do not deserve that. See, the thing is... you always tell me how you think it's silly that I want to hear the words "I love you" because you show me how you feel... so needing you to tell me is silly. So you understand that action speaks louder than words... but then you tell me that you like me, that you like how I look, that you like who I am. yet your actions DO speak louder than your words and all I can think is that you can't STAND who I am! That you aren't satisfied with how I look!

So yes, I want a 2nd child more than life itself. But more than that I want my husband to understand what a heartless man he can be sometimes!!! I want him to understand how hurt I am when he acts the way he does. How can you claim to understand how actions speak so much louder than words but then you act the very opposite? I hate that I feel crushed because of him! I hate that he would tell me something he knew was what I wanted more than anything in the world and then take it right away from me!

July 2016

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