I feel like it won't ever get better u.u
My husband was very supportive monday and tuesday... but come wednesday he started to get irritated at me for "letting it consume your life". And since then he has been very irritable with me, snapping for nearly anything.
This morning I woke up and he wasn't in our bed. I got up and found he had slept on the futon in his office. I asked why he slept there, and he said I was "pushing him away" all night last night. I told him he must be misunderstanding something because I was dead asleep last night, for the first time this week, and if I did anything I promise it wasn't on purpose, and must have been because my leg was falling asleep or my hip was hurting or something. No, he got more mad at me, saying I've been doing it a lot lately, that I won't let him so much as lay a hand on me.
I told him if I do that in my sleep he has to nudge me or wake me up to let me know, because I swear I'm not doing it consciously, and I can't change that if he only lets me know in the morning. I need to be made aware of it in the moment, so I can try to stop doing whatever is offending him.
No... he got more mad at me. He said he feels like our relationship has gone "to the shits". I don't get it... I'm like, if you're talking about this last week, I'm sorry... but I've been having a hard time. He's like "yeah, and what about me?" I told him... i'm sorry, but I'm trying to get past it myself, and he said I'm not supporting him. I told him I ALWAYS try to support him, but when he's upset he only gets mad at me and tells me to leave him alone, but this week I just can't do it. I'm having a hard time supporting myself, and I told him he's only making me feel worse for feeling bad, so how the hell am I supposed to support him too? I told him I'm in a lot of pain right now. He said "you're not the only one" I said "you didn't even know her! and you weren't the one who had a chance to stop someone from dying and failed! I'm in a lot of pain! I'm just trying to get past it!" he said "yeah, i know you're in pain, I see it" I said "no, you have NO idea how I feel, you can't SEE my pain... you can see I'm sad... you can't see how much this is fucking killing me! and all you've been doing all week is yelling at me, so I have to deal with that on top of trying to accept what happened!"
Fucking hell! I just wanted to punch him! he told me it's not just this week, it's all the time. I'm like wtf? all the time? until a week and a half ago we didn't have ANY problems... unless you're talking about chores (because I admit, I am an awful housekeeper) he said "that's a big part of it, but no.... it's everything, not just that" i'm like what's everything!? he said I push him away in bed all the time... i'm said "what are you talking about? we fall asleep hugging, and wake up hugging... have you ever stopped to think that I'm not 'pushing you away' rather just adjusting myself to be comfortable and you take it wrong?" and he just kept getting mad at me saying "i'm tired of this" then like "i'm the cashier, i'm just going to explode" (reference from a movie he uses). I said "well, the fucking cashier needs to TALK to someone then... before you do" he won't listen.. he's blaming me for everything that annoys him. Every problem we have he takes it out on me, every frustration he has... I don't mean physically or anything, or name calling or anything like that... but he always makes it all out to be my fault.
Even now that I'm trying to cope with this he can't put his frustrations aside. He really thinks I am TRYING to push him away at night? I NEED hugs right now... I've never needed them more, so why the hell would I do that intentionally? I think he's being overly sensitive to "relationship issues" extremely exagerating problems we've had for a week saying we've ALWAYS had them (yeah, we've had problems in the past... but having problems 1 year ago, and again this week, doesnt mean everything in between has been problems and that's what he says)
I feel like... I'm alone in this. I'm alone in trying to help myself. I'm used to it honestly... I can cope... but it makes me so sad considering I have a husband and I don't think I should feel like the only help I'll get is going to come from me. I can talk to my friends, but they're only going to tell me to forget him or tell him to fuck off... and that's not what I need. I need a solution to problems. I can't fix his head as well as mine. I've spent 15 years trying to deal with goes through my own head, and he has helped me to a point, but I feel like he really expected that he would ride in and save the day... and once we were married I would be like some fucking normal person!? Well I'm NOT! I'm NOT normal! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I have nightmares! I'm sorry that through the day I have memories I don't want! I'm sorry that it hurts me that I couldn't save my neighbor! I'm sorry that it hurts me that you blame things on me! I'm sorry! I can't change what hurts me. I can try to cope... but what I can't cope with is someone sitting there making me feel BAD for feeling bad! that's fucking ridiculous!
And he tells me I never support him? The ONLY thing that I don't do well is chores... I should clean up the house... but everything else he's crazy if he thinks I don't do my best. And he thinks it's easy to support him when he's having a bad day? fuck that! Every time I try to talk to him about it I get an "I don't wanna talk about it" or just plain attitude. Bad day at home? Take it out on me! Bad day at work? Take it out on me! Having family problems? Why not just take it out on me? It's nothing direct... but he gets very sour towards me when he's having a bad day. He gets very bitter, and I feel like he locks me out, pushes me away, then gets mad if I try to help him. He wants support? It would help if he'd fucking LET me!
But no... he wants support NOW... when my head feels like it's going to explode... HE wants the support. HE wants me to drop how I'm feeling so he can feel fine! FUCK IT! He should try living one fucking day in my head!!!!
I've been through hell and back... and I've been thrown back to hell again this week... and I really feel like HE is the one that needs to see someone. I can cope... I can deal with it. I can accept things and learn to deal with the pain i'll get when I remember it. HE can not deal with even a little problem. He can't deal with a bad day at work. He can't deal with a bad day anywhere. Does he want his life to be run like a fairytale?
Does he REALLY think life will be full of wonder and never see any stress? I think we have a very fortunate life. I think he and I have a wonderful and happy life. I don't know what the hell goes through his mind!
I mean, yeah... I've been through a lot... but I look at my daughter every day so thankful I have been given this amazing little girl. I look at my husband (when he's not being irritable) and think I'm lucky to have someone that loves me so much. I look around... and I think there's a roof over our head, and enough money to eat and still spoil our child. I can't speak for him... but the way he talks, his life sucks. Everything about this sucks for him. What the hell kind of life does HE want!? What does he think makes happiness? I feel like NOTHING will ever be enough for him. NOTHING will ever make him happy!
It's not fair. It's not fair that he should paint me to be some kind of selfish inconsiderate person. I have to tell my mother tomorrow. I have to tell her our 15 year old neighbor is dead, and that she may have taken her own life. I have to hear the sorrow all over again tomorrow when I pick her up from the airport. And I'll have no support. I haven't had support from him in days. Strangers have supported me. Neighbors that I've never talked to before have talked to me. Relatives of my neighbor that passed have hugged me and let me cry to them. My own husband, however, just wants to make me feel bad for feeling bad. I don't get it. I don't get how someone who's had a pretty decent life can think nothing but negative things. He is one of the most pesimistic people I've ever known.
When I try to tell him these things, he just says "then why are you with me" like he's trying to make me regret saying anything. "What the hell does having a relationship have to do with the fact that nothing is good enough for you? I won't leave you because you're a negative jerk sometimes, but you'll NEVER have a good relationship until you change the way you look at things. Even if you left me (as sometimes I think he really will) you'll NEVER be happy with you're life, or your relationships until you learn to appreciate what you do have and not exagerate the small things in life. It has nothing to do with our marriage or life together... and if you ever want to leave that's your choice... but if you think leaving me will solve YOUR pesimism you have another thing coming. Nothing will ever make you happy if you can't learn to deal with stress and small problems in life"
He says to me any problem in the world is small because what I went through. The hell with that... I don't think THIS problem is small... I don't think my neighbor's death is small... I don't think a lot of things are small. But yes... most things he sees as a big deal, are small to me. The car needs repairs? Oh, I'm stressed... it's a lot of money.. but it's a part of life and to me in the end it is something insignificant that can be overcome and shouldn't be made into some big deal. Yes, we might not have a lot of gifts under the tree this year... but to me that's not something that dooms my life. Yes, we live paycheck to paycheck right now and have no savings. Should that make our every day miserable though?
I can't even talk to him anymore, because I'm afraid he'll get mad at me for whatever I say. I wake up with nightmares, and I keep it to myself. I have flashbacks during the day, and I keep it to myself now. I am stressed about the car repairs, but again I keep it to myself. Where are we going to get $600 to fix the damn head gasket? I have no idea... he doesn't even bring HOME that much money... but I've talked to my mom, and we're going to work around it... and I am going to start a part time job a few days a week while she watches my daughter. She can't do it more than a few days a week... and the only person I had trusted to watch my daughter outside the family is now dead.
So my husband thinks he doesn't exagerate anything, the problem (he thinks) is that I extremely underexagerate things. No... I'm sorry. But I'm not going to waste my life fucking crying about every financial struggle, about every life burden. I have to get through my day to day life with nightmares, triggers, flashbacks, and now for more than one reason. I have to cross those fucking train tracks daily now, with images of my screaming for her! Every time I hear a fucking train because we lived surrounded by tracks, I hear the train I heard when I was searching... when I was running... when I was too late. So NO! Little fucking problems are little fucking problems because I know what REAL problems are! NOT because I'm underexagerating them!!!!!
I love him to death, and really... if it weren't for his pesimism/irritibility (which could be summed up as part of his pessimism) he's the perfect guy for me. We've been married for 7 years, and I want to grow old with him, and play with our grandkids. His mom agrees with me that he needs to talk to someone, but he never will. He wants ME to support him? HOW? HOW do you support someone who just yells at you or gets an attitude towards you when they are upset at anything in the world? HOW do you support someone when they yell at you, and you tell them "stop yelling at me... I didn't do anything... you're just in a bad mood" and their respons is crazy "YOU are yelling at ME!" "what are you talking about? I didn't even say anything!"
If I could afford it, I'd have us in marriage counseling. I don't think he would go by himself, so it would have to be marriage counseling or nothing. But I can't, I couldn't afford it if it only cost $10. I'm not sure I could even afford the gas money to get us there anyway. So I don't know what to do. I can help myself learn to accept things, but I can not learn that FOR him. I can't get in his mind and make him understand things. I wish he would talk to someone I look for help when I need it. I look to change the way I see things. He doesn't even want to see that he needs to change how he looks at things u.u