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A suicide or accident I could have stopped.

Posted by JadeAngel , 26 September 2012 · 79 views

This is hard to even put into words.

On monday a few minutes after noon my neighbor called me and told me something is wrong, to go over to her house and stay with her daughter until she gets home. Her daughter is 15, and like an annoyingly hyper little sister to me. I called her my mini-stalker when she was little, and now that I have a 3 year old, my daughter took every opportunity to try to go to her house to play with her.

So I threw on my shoes and ran next door. The backdoor was unlocked, so I went in and she wasn't there. I searched every room. I've been in their house loads of times but not in their rooms, so I just opened every door of the house and yelled for her. I called her mom back and only 3 minutes had passed since she first called me.

Her mom called the police, she told me she sent a suicidal text to her friends. So I called her, and first she didn't answer. Then I texted her telling her to call me... and I called again. By this time there was a cop there that had also searched the house. She picked up and I was relieved.

"where are you?"
"I'm taking a walk"
"on the railroad tracks?"
"ok... where?"
"downtown (our town's name)"
"ok... wait there... I'm coming and we'll talk, ok?"
"promise me you'll wait for me, and we'll talk"
"ok... where at? what street?"
"do you know (bar name)?"

then the call got muted. She didn't hang up, but the background noise was gone too, so I know it was muted

"sweetie, I can't hear you... I think you muted your phone...
sweetie unmute your phone...
look... I'm on my way, stay where you are and we'll talk.
Just stay there... I'm coming, I'm getting in my car... wait for me"

I wanted to keep the line open. I wanted to keep her on the phone but it got disconnected after a minute of silence. Instead of calling her right back, I called her mom. Her mom said she had just talked to her and that she lied to her and said she was home on the couch.

I only just thought of this... maybe she didn't mute the phone. Maybe she switched calls... that would explain it, and that would explain the lack of background noise.

I got in my car and drove as fast as I could down to that bar and across the road. I know there are railroad tracks there. She didn't finish telling me how to get to her. I called her, and she picked up and hung up. She didn't disconnect the call to send it to voice mail... she literally answered then immediately hung up.

I ran one direction down the tracks, I saw a figure... but when I got closer I saw it was a cop that was searching the tracks from another road access.

I looked the other direction. I thought "I should check that way too" but then I saw it curves away from the road... and there's no more road access I know about for more than a mile. So I thought, I can't waste time running up and down the same section of tracks. Maybe she meant to tell me to turn at that bar before the phone went quiet. I called again and she again picked up and hung up immediately. I got in my car and turned at the bar, but I ran into her mom (who was speeding home from work). I stopped to ask her if she had a clue... and before I could get in to look more, a cop stopped and told us to stay there.

5 minutes passed and 2 cops flew down the way I was about to go. Then another 5 minutes passed and a few more sped that way. Then an ambulance. Then a paramedics truck. More than 20 minutes standing, waiting for a cop to call or come back.

Then we got a call from someone the cops talked to (i'm not sure who, her mom talked to the person) and we were told they found her... she's fine... then another call... she jumped. They're taking her to a hospital.

Her mom had to stop and grab something from the house, I started my way towards the hospital some 12 miles away. My car overheated on the highway and I got stranded. So I couldn't make it.

Her mom got there and call
ed me, she's in critical condition. They're flying her to another hospital some 70 miles away.

I got my car home after it broke down on me several times... then I went to a shop to have it looked at.
The guy said it should be ok to drive so my husband and I went out to get my mind off things.

When we got back, we were told she passed on.

I went to the tracks where she was found yesterday... and again today. I just hate myself so much right now.

When I decided not to run down the curved tracks, I was wrong. So wrong. She was just around the curve on a bridge. If I had taken just 20 seconds to run and look, I would have seen her. I hate myself right now. I feel awful. Everyone keeps saying "thank you for trying to help her" I don't deserve a thanks. I was so closed to her, and she hadn't gotten hurt yet... I was only a few hundred feet down the track and didn't know it... I TOLD myself to run down those tracks but then thought it curves and heads away from town, that wouldn't make sense. I didn't know there was an access road there. I didn't know there was a bridge. I thought I was making the smart choice, but now I feel like such an idiot. Waste of time!? that 20 seconds to run down that side could have saved her! I hate myself! My husband is angry at me for blaming myself, everyone is telling me i "did my best" but i didn't, did I. If I had, I would have just listened to my fucking self and just run to the curve to see around the curve! I don't know what to do.

She's gone... she's never coming back... and if I had just run down that side I could have stopped that.

I don't think she jumped either. She brought a knife with her, but ended up not using that. The bridge is in 2 sections (neither has any sides or rails) one for walking, that is really old rotting wood, and maybe 3 feet over is the train track bridge. We went and found where it looks like she fell... which was between the bridges.

If she wanted to jump, she would have done it from the side... and she wouldn't have done it from between the two by the wall. Also, she had just talked to me, and was waiting for me. She wouldn't have tried to tell me where she was if she intended to do anything. I'm so mad at myself. That phone call keeps going through our head... the fact that I was standing JUST around the curve... screaming her name on the top of my lungs... I can't get it out of my head... I feel like I'm going to go crazy :(

I hate myself! This hurts so much T.T It's so bad! It hurts more than anything that's ever happened before... I can't stop thinking... I was just there! I was right there! If I had fucking listened to myself! If I had fucking walked those steps I could have advised a safer way to come down without falling, or I could have talked to her! I'm so mad... I'm so angry at myself :(

November 2014

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