nightmares after nightmares
I have them more and more seldom as time goes by... still... even once in a while is still torture. I wake up wanting to cry. wanting to scream. I can't. I don't want to burden my husband anymore with this stuff. I'm tired of it, and I'm sure he is too. I don't want my daughter to see me awake from a nightmare crying. I don't want her to know anything. So I wake up... I feel so angry and so sad and then I just take a deep breath and try to think of something else, then go back to sleep. It's ok. I'm getting use to doing that...
Just... I keep praying that the day comes when I wont have anymore flash backs. No more flash backs, no more nightmares... when a stupid name won't bother me... when that doll doesn't bother me. when seeing a look alike doesnt make me want to die. I know things are so much better now. Even when things are better though... I feel like everyone else is determined to make this rule my life. Nightmares aside, I seldom relate my actions directly to my past. I'm no fool, and I know that it is impossible for me to not let it effect my way of thinking and my perspective on many situations... I'm only human. However, my mother seems content to blame everything about me on my past. She thinks I'm lazy because of my past. she thinks I'm manipulative because of my past. Every chance she gets, she tells my husband how i do this... or that... because of my past. Whatever because I really think my mother is psychologically scarred beyond repair... but then other people are the same.
I never quite got over my ex... and when my best friend talks about the what ifs... and I say I cant leave my husband for another man (I know some people say you should if you have feelings for someone else but to me that's as bad as cheating. If you don't have feelings for the person you're with then leave, but not for someone else. I still love my husband, despite our problems)... her reaction is that I'm afraid of giving my child a step father. Now granted I don't trust people easily, however that thought never crossed my mind.
On to my husband... he's also mentioned that the intimate problems we've have must be a direct result of my past... of course I am to blame. and he attributes many of our problems to my past. we've had arguments in which a random comment about "that's because..." (insert some random comment about abuse or crappy parents) like really? Is that all anyone thinks I am? The awful end result of a shit childhood? Did I turn out that bad?
Here in is my confusion. While it infuriates me that everyone 'excuses' my 'undesirable attributes/behaviors' on my past... there are random moments I have problems. I never want to tell anyone anymore. In 5 years of marriages I have NEVER let my past effect my intimate life (despite my husband's thoughts on the matter)
In 5 years... in honesty... there has been 3 moments where I wanted to stop because I had a... (I wouldn't call it flash back... but almost) but I never told my husband. The last thing in the world I need is for him to really associate intimacy with that. I don't want it to EVER effect that aspect of my life. I won't let it. I need to feel normal in some part of my life n.n'
Oh well. I can go off on here and rant about everything but I know that in reality I am doing so much better than most people who have gone through similar. (Obviously ten times better than my mother- as according to her she needs therapy because of me... yeah)
Anyway... I guess I can't have everything magically get better at once. Such is life n.n'