however i am starting to see that my close family (mother and brother) are not such real family after all. my brother has become less insulting towards me, but it is the most i can say for him. he has been trying more, a great improvement. however my mother has been pushing me away in so many ways. aside from her insanities in her every day decisions (though i agree with the idea of 'to each his own') when it involves me that doesn't fly.
i find out more and more that my mother quite possibly knew what happened to me when it was happening, and did nothing. she will never say it but she has hinted to a lot of things that point to that. she knew he dad that before, she knew he had to get 'help' for it b4 she married him. she said he tried to tell her and she was to thick to listen. WTF!? anyway although that fuels a mild hate for her, it is not my major problem now. she is nuts. i swear she is. her actions, her reasoning, her behavior is irrational!
when she was dating she brought home one guy. i met him and was shocked how much like my step father he was. so much so i did not want to be in the same room with him. i went upstairs and i cried. i told my mother i don't ever want to be around him again, i cant be around someone that makes me feel like that. her response was basically she'll date who she wants and she doesn't care how i feel about it, that i can suck it up and not make her life any harder than i already do.
when we were moving from one house to another, she wanted me to take care of the packing, ALL of the packing. including her stuff. so whatever, i did. when i made a half a dozen trips or so in one day, after i had spent the entire day loading and unloading heavy boxes... up and down several flights of stairs... she complained that the stuff was not already put away. when i asked where to put them and she said to put them in the extra room, and i did... she complained that i had put too much in there. when i stopped putting more stuff in there, she got mad at me that there were boxes with no place to put them.
so a couple times she has come home, as we are finishing dinner and complained that there were cups on the folding tables by the couch (where we were eating) in response to my remark of "mom we are still eating, what do you want us to do put them directly in the dishwasher before we're even done using them?" she retorts "YES" WTF?
she complains that we are taking over her house. after getting annoyed about these comments i go downstairs and say "i don't understand how your child can take over your house... i could a baby blanket, and 3 of my baby's toys in all of downstairs. there is NOTHING else that belongs to us down here, what on earth are you talking about?" she cant explain it. she just insists we are taking over her house and she is uncomfortable here... again, WTF?
then she will wake me up at whatever time of the morning be it daybreak or earlier, to tell me that i need to go downstairs NOW to put the empty glass from the dining room table, into the kitchen. nuts but whatever.
to find out more inexplicable behavior... i found out a while ago, that she told my husband (when we were dating still) that i was a manipulative person and i will use my bad past as a way to get my way... DOUBLE WTF!? since we moved to the country she has told him many times how i am lazy and manipulative... she tells him that i remember things wrong. she tells him that she doesn't think i "remember" my bad past correctly. she insinuates that things didn't happen like i said, and that things weren't that bad. she has told him that she will always love my step father because there were good times and they outweighed the bad.
after all that has happened she has since dated a few guys with criminal records. i told her why the hell would you date guys like that after everything? you realize my daughter will NEVER go to your house if you marry someone like that. her response is "people change. all bad people can change, so it doesn't matter" although i understand the idea of giving someone a second chance... you'd think she'd learn her lesson after the firs 2 fucks ups? yeah right
ok to more recent events. so i go on a trip out of state to visit my friend. my uncle gave me a ride to the airport, and for some reason (i guess he was in a good mood) gave me $200 for the trip. i guess he mentioned he gave me money so mom called and said she wanted me to save $150 of that for her because my uncle owed her that much. i told her to call him and ask him. he gave me the money and if he owes her money its his decision of what he wants to do. anyway i felt awkward accepting the money from him so i only spent a little of it. when i came home i told my uncle i had a lot of the money left and if he wanted me to use it to pay my mom for him, i would. he said no, keep it and use it for us and the baby. he said he'd pay her back after. so i did use it to pay our bills, get some groceries and such. mom asked a week later where her money was, i said "didn't you talk to uncle...?" she said no... i said well call him, i told me to use it and that he was gonna pay you back apart. she freaked. she got so mad and started yelling at me and saying how inconsiderate that was of me and how i should have given her the money cuz she needs (god knows with a husband and baby to support i don't need any right?) as i told her "if i owe you money and i give money to my friend, you're not gonna go to my friend and demand that money are you? its not right, and its not yours to demand"
anyway... so today my mother was telling my husband how "as soon as you are able to work we're finding you a cheap apartment. i want to move on with my life and move in with my boyfriend and i cant do it until you guys are gone. i want my home and my life back so as soon as you can you're moving out" (god knows i WANT to... but still that was a very rude thing to tell your son in law who's in an awful pinch.
i just got a job. i had orientation but i don't start until the end of this week. it's only going to pay minimum wage and be part time. i might work some 20-25 hours a week (though i requested more they can only give me what they have available) so i might get some $100 a week or a bit more. i need to pay $100 a month for insurance, and almost $100 a month in gas unless the prices go down. that's almost half my check there. so if i get about $450 a month... $200 goes to transportation alone... my mother told me "well i will need at LEAST $200 a month from you now that you have a job" well great mom! i'll go to work, pay for the transportation to work, and give you the rest of anything i have! as for my bills and food and the baby's needs, the whole reason i had to get work, i'll pay THEM with my good looks! sure
my mother is just... i swear she's trying to push me away! and in every way succeeding! she even told my husband once that because she thinks i don't trust her as a mother, she wants nothing to do with my child... really does she wonder why i think she sucks at being a grandma? geez
i thought i was nuts about this, so i did not tell anyone until my husband mentioned it... but my mother is very affectionate with my daughter whenever someone comes over. she wont hold her for more than a few second any other time (a few minutes if im lucky, before she wants to hand her back) but if someone comes to the house, be it a boyfriend; a neighbor; or some other guest, she puts on a show and hugs her and plays with her and talks to her. its all an act... when my husband mentioned it i realized i wasn't being paranoid. its just not right
anyway i could continue complaining about her irrationalities for a long time, but that would be one drawn out entry!