I'm scared... I don't want my baby to be without her real daddy. I don't want to be dropping her off a few days a week at 'daddy's house' I don't want the complications of a possible step daddy and step mommy one day. I'd be heart broken if she ever referred to another woman as mommy.
I'm worried... as every time we so much as look at each other in frustration that little girl knows. So much as a sour word and she cries. She won't stop crying until we act like we're happy again (and that's what it always is... acting in order to make her happy) I don't want her raised like that. It's already affecting her and it worries me so much. It obviously hurts her, and I don't want her to live like that. Things have to change.
Maybe I think ahead too much but I'm well aware that if things go bad I will miss him. I know myself... I don't want to cry myself to sleep again but I know that's how it would be. For how long? How many weeks? How many months? It's hard not to cry at night right now, because I don't want to put more strain on things. Truth is though that I'm just always sad. It's just so much worse right now because how the baby is reacting to this.
I am so frustrated... so... angry.... and I feel depressed. So I have lost weight and am back to my pre-preggy body and feeling good about it. I walk every day because my husband bought me those shape up shoes (hint from him that he wants me to tone up the toosh) so I do. Does that make him wanna hug me more? Does that make him compliment me more? No. So when he gets an attitude because he didn't understand what I said... or when he gets annoyed because I repeat myself 3 times because he did not hear me... I just ignore it. Instead of getting annoyed back I just ignore it... yet that is not helping.
There's a million and a half reasons to make things work and only 1 why not to... we're just not that happy together. It makes me so sad. I am in love with him... and he says he is with me... aren't you suppose to be happy when you're with someone like that? Things are good today so far... we've only bickered once (over a stupid fucking water bottle, wth!?) so he's in a good mood. Is it too much to ask for one day though? Just one day without the bickering, the attitudes, the arguments, the rude comments?
Coming back from my walk today, a block before my house there is a lovely view looking down into the valley and across at the mountains (um... large hills). Leaves are starting to change colors I suppose, but only just starting. Everything in those mountains for miles is green with a sparse appearance of greenish yellow, but for 1 solitary red tree. 1 red tree and no more in several miles of tree covered hill tops. I feel like that sometimes. I feel alone sometimes like there's just something off about me. Perhaps there's something wrong with me that just separates me. Perhaps there's something wrong with me causing problems in my relationship and I just am failing to see it.
I don't like being sad. More so I don't like being angry. I guess no one does... but it makes me dislike myself to feel like I'm becoming an angry person, like all I do is complain. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I know that's a silly thought, as I have my little angel to take care of. I feel like if things end I'm being selfish. I feel like if anything ends... my marriage, my life, or anything... that I am being selfish. I don't want to look back and regret decisions, I don't want to think of the "what ifs" I want to look back... here or somewhere else and know that there were no "what ifs" because I tried my hardest. Just I don't know the limit. I can try and try forever... when are you suppose to stop trying and realize you're fighting a loosing battle?
Now we are constantly talking about separating. That only makes things worse. I mean things are really bad right now so we are constantly talking about IF something happens... what are we doing with this... how are we doing that... who is going where... what is appropriate for when... BLAH
Like is he just plotting when to leave and waiting until he feels sure I can handle it? That's how I feel. I don't know... I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I can't even straighten out how I feel about everything. I don't know what's right, what's wrong. What is being selfish, what is being human. My biggest concern through anything is my little girl. I don't want her to suffer for any of this. It tears my heart out when she cries because we are acting like 3 year olds fighting. She loves her daddy so much, and as many problems as we have sometimes... he is a wonderful daddy. I don't want to ruin that. I don't know about anything. My heart is filled with so much doubt that sometimes I'm not even sure my own husband is in love with me. He says he is and he acts like it at times. But if you're in love with someone shouldn't they be able to feel it all the time? Not just some of the time?
Anyway I've had enough complaining for now. I'm just gonna hang up the towel and let fate decide it for me. If he wants to leave I'm not gonna make him stay, but I will still try to make things better. God help me...