as i grow
the what ifs... or shall i say, what i would have handled differently had i been younger knowing what i know, having the experience i have and the time i have had to rethink all i have done.
i would have been stronger to stand up for myself more, but even now when i think about it... that's what everyone says after the fact so i guess it would not have done any good anyway.
i wouldnt have been ashamed and embarrassed, and in that i would have told my x my problems, and not have been afraid of him for it.
i would have told my x that he made me feel like he blamed me even when i know he didnt... that he distanced himself from me and it hurt me and that was why i broke up with him, instead of making up some bs cuz i couldnt bring myself to talk about the situation i was in.
i would have told my friends that they were bad friends and i deserved better, that i deserved to feel supported and they made me feel abandoned.
i would have realized that i didnt have the best judgment at the time. i would have talked to my x about how i felt because maybe he would have helped if i was willing to open up, and not have talked to my friends because their attitude was "well life sucks so deal with it"
i would have spent less time on the computer
i would have learned to let what people say, frustrate me less
i would have expected, going into marriage, that 2 people so different will have many obstacles to overcome
i would have known that when someone is an angry person, being an angry person back is not "a taste of their own medicine" its like fuel to a fire.
i would have known that because i feel a specific solution is needed, does not mean that the other person will think the same, and does not mean that it is the only solution.
i would have known that because i get over a fight quickly and be happy, does not mean that the other person will also automatically be happy.
i would have known that sometimes leaving a dispute unresolved at that moment is the best thing to do
i would have gone to sleep mad sometimes instead of fighting late into the night
there's not much i would change about my life right now, of the things that are within my power to change.
i would only change my marital relationship. its odd because before my husband always said we had so many problems that he didnt think our marriage would make it when i did not agree and did not see what huge problems he was talking about. now i am the one that sometimes worry. not that we will divorce or anything right now. but i doubt his feelings to me. maybe he loves me like he says, but he just doesnt make me feel like it. i feel like i live with a "friend with benefits" not a man who is in love with me. i know we have a 6 month old and its a lot of stress right now. i hope that's the only reason why. but i often feel like he resents me, like he would have left years ago if i wasnt so stubborn about continuing our relationship.
i just hope this changes, it's been depressing me more and more, when he looks at me and doesnt look like he's in love. when what's required to get his attention feels like bugging him and when i try to get his attention he gets mad at me. when i feel like i can not even ask for his affection without getting him annoyed... and if i want any i must demand it. i've stopped feeling like "that's the woman i'm lucky to have married" and started feeling like simply "that's the wife" no longer anything special or unique.
that i would change if i could, but i've tried and i'm afraid that's just in the hands of fate.