my husband and i have had "normal" marital problems since the get go but what is normal anyway, i cant even grasp it anymore. since months after we married we had problems, but as far as i was concerned they were minor. i was faced with the fact that even the most ''american'' acting latino men still have a temper problem. and i realized my husband was obviously disappointed with what he married. i guess he had this vision of me being some flawless angel.
his temper caused so many problems that he refuses now to admit. he'd never hit me and i know that. i know that because he once broke his hand when we were having a fight, because he was so angry that he turned and punched our concrete wall. it took me 20 minutes to get him to calm down enough to let me take him to the hospital (as i guess angry people dont care if their hand is bleeding and broken) and another time we were having a fight that got really heated. he said he wanted to hit me and i stood but 2 inches from his face and said "go ahead" (though when i look back at it, it was probably not the most intelligent thing to stand in front of an angry man and dare him to punch you... but i had been hit so much when i was younger that i guess i got tired of being scared of being hit)
to his credit over these 4 years of our marriage he has learned to control his temper to a reasonable degree, and for that i am thankful as i know it is difficult for anyone to change habitual behavior.
but someone having a temper is only part of who they are (granted it is not violence) he is a sweet and good man. but sometimes i feel things wont work. he spoils me so much. if i want it, if i ask for it, 99% of the time if he is able to.. he does it or buys it for me. to tell you the truth i think he does that too much. not that i dont enjoy being spoiled, but i know that in spoiling someone so much you begin to resent them. i feel sometimes it is for the best that if i ask for something or want something he just doesnt do it, its better for the sanity if you dont do things that make you resent someone else.
and i know i am a big problem with that. i am spoiled and i know it. it would be nice if he gave me less of what i asked... but more of what i didnt (i drop hints all the times that i like those romantic gestures like a flower on a non-holiday day, or some random treat that i didnt ask for... i love those things more than getting everything i ask for. odd isnt it?)
and i can be lazy. can be, not am... we often argue over that and i think he doesnt understand it all. since we've been married he's thought i was lazy, since we've been married i thought he had no sense of equality in a relationship. it was always expected that i should clean and cook, expected and unsaid. if i brought that up he'd say noooo, thats not how he thought. but when i kept the house cleaned spotless for weeks and was working and only asked he washed his pants (we had to wash by hand) and that he do the dishes, they would both go undone, and he would make it hard to keep the house clean because he wouldnt clean up after himself. so many times i just stopped cleaning for a while to try and make a point. well that didnt work, just made him more upset and blame me for the messy house. so often times i felt it was unfair that i was silently expected to do all the housework. here in lies his perception of my laziness.
bring it to now, i cant deny, he does all the house work right now. my daughter is almost 6 months old, she is still exclusively breast feeding and she is extremely attached to me. i have a hard time putting her down for more than 5 minutes. and she doesnt like to go to my mom or husband for more than a half hour before she starts crying. it exhausts me sometimes. she is sleeping in my arms as i type this.
so as i have this difficulty right now and my husband is not working, he is doing all the house chores without objection. though i do offer to do some, when i try the baby throws a fit, or in turn my husband for his arms are "tired of holding her" i must say... either he's a drama queen or guys have no endurance what so ever.
and though there are months at a time i am quite confident in our relationship, there comes a time every now and again... for short or long periods of time when we are practically at each others throat. i say something and he gets angry at me saying i said it with an attitude. i try to explain to him he misunderstood as his english isnt always perfect, but he just gets mad which leads me to get annoyed and it is a nasty circle. or he says something nasty, or curses at me (i HATE being cursed at) and i get mad and again the circle of 2 bulls in a glass shop.
sometimes the language barrier is too much and i get annoyed when he doesnt understand me after i repeat and reword, and i get annoyed when HE gets annoyed for not understanding, and vice versa.
we have a lot of problems with each other that is blatantly obvious. even know he comes in complaining (i guess one of my moms dog had an accident on the carpet and he stepped in it) but the way he complains about other problems, the way he says it makes me feel like he's mad at me, almost as though he blames ME for whatever it is. i know he doesnt and i've tried to tell him many times it comes out like that.
its not that i dont want to be with him, i sooooo want to stay together forever. but i feel like HE doesnt feel the same. regardless of what he says, what he thinks... i feel like he's always been disappointed that he didnt marry the perfect angel he thought, and that he sometimes regrets being with me.
i guess everyone that goes through what i have gone through will have it destroy relationships. i could sum it up to say its why i broke up with my x. i didnt tell him that but its why. i was going through hell and i felt alone and i guess i was just too young to know how to deal with going through that. as it is after my parents separated i was depressed for 2 years. i'd go to sleep at 2 or 3 in the morning, wake up at 4or 5. i'd eat once a day and even with that i'd always feel nauseous. suicide would have been a welcome relief at that time and i probably would have done so years ago but i knew how much that can hurt everyone else.. i wanted to end my pain, not start more for everyone else. thats why i didnt. but that made me feel trapped. made me feel like i didnt want to live but couldnt die. didnt want to be at my house, or at school, but was scared to run away. i was scared to talk to the guy i was in love with.
to tell you the truth now that i think back on it my thoughts were rather silly, but you dont think the same as any other person when you've been through certain things. i always told my x i didnt wanna have an intimate relationship yet... and made it out to be because i was one of those "wait til your wedding" girls. but i wanted to wait because i was afraid any guy who had an intimate relationship with me would find out i wasnt a virgin and i'd have to tell what happened then i'd be ashamed and embarassed, and was afraid any guy who'd find out would just leave me. i didnt wanna do anything until i was married in the hopes that anyone who loved me enough to marry me, would love me enough not to leave me for that. i know it's a fucked up way of thinking, and i wish i could go back and knock some sense into me back then but i cant.
fortunately when i met my husband he did knock some sense into me. i guess because when everyone else was all with the "poor you" attitude, he was the only one that talked to me about how angry he was and how i shouldnt be ashamed and embarassed, guilty... but angry. it took me years to stop feeling guilty but i did eventually.
i know i complain a lot, i'm just venting i guess. i've just felt a bit sad this week because i feel a bit more this week like my husband isnt happy with me. and so again i feel trapped because i want to make things better but am unable to do so despite my intent.
he is a great dad though. he loves his little girl so much. we both wanted a little girl and we got it
i just want us to be nicer to each other. it feels like we just are at each others throats sometimes
it makes me think about my past more and that depresses me. there's few things or people of my past that dont make me sad. even my 2 best friends had their share of hurting me. granted my x never did, but i dont think he was ready to deal with my problems either.
my brother and i didnt get along for years... and half of my family still dont talk to me.
XD well, i've blabbed enough. its 1 in the morning and i have to go to sleep.
on a last note, for a comment most wouldnt expect to hear, i miss the volcanoes and earthquakes of guatemala XD haha, as dangerous as they can be... i got use to them and miss them.