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Posted by JadeAngel , 04 November 2009 · 30 views

u.u sometimes i just want my own support. my husband is wonderful but i feel sometimes like when it comes to giving, he'll give it all to me... but when it comes to stress, he's the only one that matters. i know he's here for our baby only... he makes that clear every day. he tells me all the time the only reason he's here is her *never me* and never because he wants to be. he hates being here, he hates dealing with the stress here, and the problems my mother's stupid fiance gives us. and i understand. but we sold our house in guatemala to have some financial security.

and now we have none. i know its hard right now but he's constantly telling me how much he hates my country, he hates being here, he hates having no control over his life. he cant be happy even one day. worse yet he makes me feel like its my fault, cuz I took him here. so now it wasnt me taking my family here to give us better lives, but he makes me feel like ''great thanks for taking me here to be miserable and give me an awful life that i hate and regret'' not to say its much different. he's like this whenever there is stress. the words ''i hate my life'' have echoed from his mouth so many times i'm not sure i can even count that high. i know how he feels, we sold our only financial security in the world to be more stable here for a few months and it's disappeared quickly.

what he's more mad at is that mom was going to lend us the money to pay for the visa... but with all thats happened now she only can give us 1100 instead of the 2200 she was going to... so after we pay up the visa process we will have NOTHING. and i understand my husband is frustrated, because i'm nursing and cant easily work, none the less its not even about who can and cant work. it's that we put every penny we had for the last 4 years into building that house, and now its gone... now we sold it... and what good did it do us? nothing u.u

i am frustrated, though i dont show it as easily as my husband, and its nearly depressing me. he hasnt slept in a week, mom is going through hell no thanks to that looser x of hers, and as usual, im the one that has to support everyone else. i feel like, where's MY support? am i being selfish for wanting my husband to put himself aside for just a minute and understand how much stress IM going through. all he's seeing is problems. all my life i've felt like i've had to put it aside for everyone else. stay quiet about what was happening to me not to hurt my family. stay quiet about how much i was hurting not to hurt mom as much. stay quiet about what i knew about my brother not to hurt him. when my family members have died i would cry but i'd hold it in around my brother so he didnt get worse.

when we have problems, they stress me out beyond belief, but i just dont say anything, because i cant. my husband wants support for his stress, or maybe he doesnt want it, but he wants to vent it out on me. if i say anything though, it just turns around on me, and ends up with him getting snippy at me. i cant stand it. I HAVE NO FUCKING SUPPORT FROM ANYONE!!!

no one goes to me and puts a hand on MY shoulder asking if i need help. its automatically me doing that to everyone else. i'm tired. i'm tired, and i feel like i have to oppress how i feel so much its ridiculous. i dont even have any fucking friends. just now i was crying to my husband and instead of a hug or anything, now he's lecturing on and on about how he sold his house for nothing. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

u.u i just wish one day someone would put THEIR feelings aside for me. for once. im just tired of it, tired of always pretending like things dont bother me, so i dont bother everyone else. im tired of feeling like if i open up, it will just upset everyone else. u.u i really need help, i just dont have it right now. i dont even want him to read this cuz i just know it will end up with him getting mad at me :(

October 2015

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