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Posted by JadeAngel , 14 October 2009 · 52 views

I dont know anymore.... things hurt so much, i dont know if they'll ever stop hurting. i just want it to stop, to go away, to forget. i envy that my brother doesnt remember most things, i envy that he has his selective memory. paul had a fight with mom... and even though i think he should have stayed out of it, i understand why he didnt. he's tired of seeing me hurt, of seeing the things that bother me. my mother makes him angry. i love mom, and i dont really agree with everything my husband dislikes about her, but i do agree with some things.

i dont understand a lot of things about her. and it's not even that i dont understand, because god knows how many times she's tried to explain them to me, i just dont agree. so i want to tear up pictures of that evil bastard. what's so wrong about that. she doesnt want to. she says they're her memories. why... why does she want to keep them. why does she want pictures of the man who raped me over and over again for years. she really doesnt have an idea of half the things he did.

i dont understand why she can say ''there were good times'' as if she doesnt entirely hate him. i dont understand why my mother doesnt completely hate the man that hurt her family so much. i dont understand why she isnt so angry with him as i am. how can she act like it was ever good. i know there were times, and the time before it started, that it seemed fine and like he was a good father. but mom thinks he was a good man. when he touched his first daughter, and then did that to us... she doesnt see that it was just an act. he was never a good father, never a real father. acting something doesnt make you that. and she says it like she thinks there was some good in him. i hate him, he hurt my family so much, i hate him so much. he makes me so angry. i dont understand why she doesnt feel the same.

i dont know how many times even that she's told paul and myself that i imagine things, that my mind invents things. does she have any idea how offensive that comes off? how insulting? its like she's calling me insane or something... or a liar... she doesnt have any idea of half the stuff that happened. she didnt even know until a month ago that he was physically abusive as well, that he use to hit me a lot, that he use to kick the dog across the room. she doesnt know that i though he'd kill me at some points. she doesnt know that i tried to run away on numerous occasions... but couldnt because i was afraid of him too much.

she doesnt know i wanted to kill myself so badly but the only reason i didnt was because i didnt want her to be hurt for that. she knew he touched his daughter, before she ever found out what happened to me... but it didnt make her trust him less, it didnt make her suspicious of him. she says she was convinced by her therapists that if someone only does something small like that and gets therapy that they're ''cured'' and they wont do anything like that again. but wtf, im her daughter. she put her children in the hands of someone that she knew was capable of that. so maybe im nuts, but i just cant accept the excuse ''my therapist said it was ok''

god... i dont know what to do sometimes. i do love my mom so much, but it seems like she makes it all about her. i know she's sorry i was hurt, but in the end it ends up being about her. when i say anything her response is ''i know baby, i've been through it and worse''. and it feels like she's belittling what happened. worse yet that it happened to her step children before i was born, with my biological father, and she didnt learn her lesson then. and she went through it twice before that as well. you'd think after that you'd learn the signs, you'd learn who NOT to be around.... but she didnt and my brother and i were the ones hurt for it.

i mean, i know i cant change the past... and i do love my mother... but i feel like she just lives in denial. now she says i should get therapy. she gets it, so i should get it. i really dont think i'm the one that needs therapy. granted i've been through a lot, but in general i deal with it well. and i've come to terms with most of it. but she wants to excuse it all. i know she wasnt to blame for what happened, but i just wish she'd stop excusing her bad decisions and say ''i was wrong, i'm so sorry'' and accept that she made a mistake and learn to forgive herself. but i dont think i can forgive her for that until she comes to terms with it herself.

these are the same problems my husband has with her. only... im the one that is hurt on my side, on his side he sees his wife hurt and crying. so i can imagine it'd make him so angry to see me hurting. in turn it makes him angry at my mom. he hates that she doesnt completely hate the man that did that to her daughter. and i understand.

i feel like i'm stuck between them, because i do want my husband not to hate my mom. i do love my mom, but i also wish those things would change. and i can do nothing about it.

she just found out her fiance's been cheating on her for more than a year, and they're separating... she says it's not that she doesnt want to tear up the photos, she wants it to be her choice because nothing is her choice anymore. but that's just it, first of all i've asked her about other photos before and she didnt end up tearing them up, she kept them. why the hell does she want pictures of him?! and she wants it to be HER choice... what about me... i didnt choose for her to be with him, i didnt choose for her to give me a father who she knew had done inappropriate things before.... and i didnt choose to leave my children with a man that had done that. nothing that happened to me was because of something i chose to do. and i cant choose to forget it. i cant choose to stop hurting. the only thing i have is to choose to tear up photos. it makes me feel better. it's the only thing i have, but again i shouldnt have the choice because SHE should have the choice.

she constantly says how people are manipulating the situation by anger or guilt... she's paranoid i swear. just because my husband gets angry and yells at her, does NOT mean he's manipulating her. just because i tell her that her actions upset me, and i cry... does NOT mean i'm manipulating her. it means i'm a human being with fucking feelings, but apparently im not allowed to have them. and anytime i bring up anything, out come her tears. out come the ''but i didnt.. but the therapist... but people...'' and so i cant talk to her about anything. it only makes me angry with her. because if i do out come 3 things, the tears, the excuses, and the ''oh but i've been through worse remember'' or ''it was worse from my side because you were my children''.

god i'm just tired of that. i do love mom, i just want her to get over herself already. i love my husband, and he reacts badly, he overreacts and his reactions hurt me more than help... but i know he only reacts like that because he is angry from seeing me hurt. it's his way of being defensive , even if he takes it too far.

lord... i just dont know anymore. i give. you take care of it. i give up. im tired. im tired of getting angry at mom. im tired of walking on eggshells around her. im tired of her ''you're judging me'' guilt line to get everyone to shut up. im tired of my husband's over reactions, and of my mothers. im tired of feeling like im the only one here that knows how to not overreact. please help.i just give up. all i can do anymore is make sure MY daughter a good life. paul may be a bit on the angry side, but at least i know my daughter has a good father that really does love her.




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