A Series of Unfortunate Events... 3
my family and i went on a trip almost every year with an aunt, uncle, and cousin that live halfway across the country. they took out a timeshare and we would go with them to it for a week or so. it was on one of these trips that my life officially went to down the drain. and i didn't even know it at the time. my brother was staying with my grandma for the summer to earn money taking care of her (go figure, i volunteered to do it for free, but she wanted him to help because he's a boy and could help her if she fell down) so it was just mom, dad, and i on this one. mom gets car sick and so to avoid it this particular vacation she went up on the plane. my father and i drove up because we didn't have enough money to get plane tickets for all 3. it was about a weeks drive or slightly less to get to the time share house... i remember we stopped at like 3 hotels on the way there. something like that.
he tried to stop at the hotels with pools cuz i loved to swim (even though I'm not the best, i once almost drown and so i taught myself to swim, hence i am ok but not good) at one hotel, on the way there... it was a bit later at night, maybe 10pm? and i was on the floor doing something, i guess coloring or playing with something. i remember it was paper, probably puzzles? and my dad told me to come to bed. he said to come lay down with him and go to sleep. i said i wanted to keep doing what i was doing. he said just for a few minutes then, and to go to bed. so i laid down for a few minutes. i didn't think anything of it and just went back to doing what i was doing. well he didn't do anything. it was weird to me, but really he didn't do anything then. i was 11 at that time.
so we went on the trip, had fun, yay... all that. and went home. i had made a friend at this time, that lived only 1 miles down the road. she had a farm with horses, that was just across the woods at the end of the road i lived on. and so we would go horse back riding. well she's always been the more ''perverted'' type. even at a young age. and she opened some porn on my computer at home a couple of times when she thought my father was sleeping. i was always very shy and so i refused to look at it, but i never really told her to not open it. and until now she remains to be one of the most perverted girls I've ever met.
maybe a week or two after she started using our computer more for said activity... my father called my brother and i do his room, and said that he knew my brother and i were looking at inappropriate sites on the internet. you know, as any kid my first thought was ''oh crap, I'm in trouble'' but you can imagine my shock, at just 11 years old when my father said ''don't worry you can keep looking, its a natural curiosity, just don't let your mother catch you.'' you can see right now where this is heading. but i was too young to understand why he was being weird. i just thought he was one of few understanding adults?
hardly weeks before it started... and he touched me... it wasn't until a few months ago that i actually remembered this, but i did tell him i didn't like that, and it was weird and not right. until i remembered me saying that, i blamed myself entirely. weeks of weird things like that... months of even more inappropriate activity... and then he raped me. i was only 11. i did say no. only once or twice which is why i felt so guilty until i was old enough to understand. i dont even remember how many times it happened for 3 years... over and over again. i cant remember all the times, and i dont want to remember. i think if i could remember it all... i dont think i'd still be here. i dont think i could handle remembering it all.
i can see now how much he manipulated me. he told me that his father did the same to his sister. he told me that it was just a view of society that it was wrong, but he knew that it wasn't wrong. and he told me why my mother was so afraid of my biological father. my mother discovered that my biological father was raping 3 of my half siblings, and 2 cousins (and probably more) and she put him in jail for 3 years for it, and he threatened to kill my mom, brother and i... i look just like my mom, and carry a different version of her first and middle name. i now see how he used that against me, because it made me more scared to say anything to mom. i didn't want her to be hurt like that again. i wanted to protect her. i didn't want to be the cause of her pains again.
well let me put this in how my family and friends saw it at first. and the police. i told my friend, because she told me of something similar occurring to her, so i trusted her. but she actually encouraged it, she said i was lucky, and that it was cool. i never agreed with her, but it seemed like someone else was pulling the strings in my life at this point.
when i was 15... and i will never ever forget this day. friday, january 24th of 2003, my friend came to me when i was taking a break from my physics class to get a drink and said ''they know... they know'' i was in shock at that, and then i was scared... and i was so scared and so nervous... i ran to my physics class and grabbed my books told the substitute teacher i had to go to the office. and i left. my friend took me to her classroom. (she was in the problematic class room, so no one cared i was there) the principal came downstairs to get me... and my friend said she would help, but as the principal walked me away i looked at her for help, i asked her to come with me but she didn't reply. and so the principal walked me to the councilors office with my book bag in hand. then she went upstairs for a bit, and left me with the councilor. i felt trapped, and there was really no way out of it. so i told her the truth in short words. my friend had a really strong personality, and she was trying to protect me and was yelling at the councilor that she and i would deny it to the cops, and she told me to get my things... she told me we would run away, that our friend would pay for our tickets to go to him (a guy online that supposedly had feelings for me but i denied relationships with because i was in love with the guy i was with, but she denied relationships with nobody so she was 'with' him) i don't know why i said no. i was scared and that's exactly what i wanted to do... run away. but i said no, and i refused. I'm the kind of person to hide, but when confronted i am not really the kind of person to run.
so my principal came back, and took me upstairs to her office... and she had me tell her what happened. and i did. and then she made me wait for the specialty councilor, and for the police. and when they got there, i told them. but i couldn't feel. i spent 4 hours in that chair in her office, staring at the bottom corner of a bookshelf, staring at a book with the title something like ''heard but not listened to'' it seemed entirely appropriate for me at the time. but, i didn't cry. i didn't move. more than 4 hours that i did not move a muscle, did not turn my head, hardly blinked. the only thing i did was tear up a couple of tissues into pieces as small as humanly possible. that's what i do what i get beyond upset, i tear up tissues. i was only 15, only a month from my sweet 16. but they asked me things a 15 year old should never have to hear. i was empty, and anyone that has gone through similar will understand me perfectly when i say that it was too much, and i was void of emotion. until my mother came.
i know that immediately the cops took my father. and my mother was called at work to come to school. i had a boyfriend at the time as well. later i learned that he was so distraught at not knowing why i was talking to police, that someone told me he threw a desk or a chair or something in a class? (he was a very very sweet guy, i will never say otherwise... he was a good guy, and never ever violent) my mother came into the office next to the one i was sitting at... i heard her voice. and then i heard her crying like i have never heard anyone cry in my life. it snapped me back to reality. suddenly i felt like the world was ending. like my life was over. and she came in... she sat across from me, she looked at me and cried and said she was so sorry. suddenly it all rushed on me and i cried. i cried so much and i hugged her and i said sorry and i cried some more. my principal had requested a female police officer take my case, being of such a sensitive nature. of course being in the middle of nowhere, we had state troopers that were certainly not well informed in this area of crime.
it wasn't until very late at night that we left the school. mom asked me if i wanted something to eat, she said she would stop at wendy's, i said a chicken pati. (one of my favorite foods at the time) she got one and i took only a couple of bites, wondering why i was even eating. i wasn't hungry. wondering why i even bothered. my life felt like it was over. it was the beginning to the end. surely nothing good would happen after this. i had been discovered. what i had worked so hard to keep a secret, suddenly was destroying everything. and so quick. that was the worst night of my life.
i don't know if I'm the only one that feels this way... but to me, my family finding out what happened, felt 100 fold worse than what had actually happened. at least if they didn't find out i could keep it to myself and pretend everything was ok. but when they knew, it was inevitable. i couldn't pretend anything. the next few weeks was a living hell.
I'm actually getting cold and shaking with nausea, from writing this... so I'm going to go wash my face and I'll finish this in another blog in a few minutes.