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cordeliaVorkosigan's Blog


A startling realization during therapy

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 15 January 2009 · 20 views

During therapy this week I discussed boundaries and anger issues along with the books I've been reading about rape. I read one survivors account of her hatred and anger toward her rapist. I began to think about her feelings and realized that I have never allowed myself to feel anything toward my rapist.

I've been disgusted and angry with the pol...


Drinking too much

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 15 January 2009 · 17 views

These last three weeks have been really difficult. I feel as though it is becoming more and more easy for me to have a drink or two before bed. I used to just have a drink or two a week but now I'm drinking about six days a week. I'm drinking for the wrong reasons. I'm drinking to feel numb. I'm drinking to relax so I can connect with my f...


3 years! Ranting a little.

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 05 January 2009 · 17 views

We went out to dinner to celebrate. I had a nice evening. I told him ahead of time that I would really enjoy eating at a place we could talk. I told him how I had put my life on hold for the last three months, waiting for the HIV test. I hadn't allowed myself to think about our relationship or our future because it could so easily slip from my fingers...



Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 02 January 2009 · 17 views

My emotions have run the gambit today. I have felt so much, I'm just plum wiped out. My doctor's office called me to notify me that my test result was negative. I can now resume a somewhat normal sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I miss it so much but also am scared of it.

We are going out to a very nice restaurant tonight. Then maybe to a c...


Waiting Game

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 31 December 2008 · 17 views

Well, I'm playing the waiting game.

I'm waiting on the newspaper to write my story.

I'm waiting on the internal affairs investigator to present his report.

I'm waiting on my 3 month HIV test results.

waiting, waiting, wating......................


New Counselor & Getting Back to Poetry

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 29 December 2008 · 20 views

Well, I've had a couple sessions with my new rape crisis counselor. She is just as nice and knowledgeable as my last one that had to leave the office. I have been doing much better since entering into therapy.

I started looking at my journal and rape books that I purchased directly following my rape. I had to put them down for about a month and a ha...


Christmas is FINALY Over

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 28 December 2008 · 18 views

Well, the holiday has passed and I survived all the family events and even a couple nights out with friends. There was only one mishap. During a dinner with my significant other's family I was asked about my wrist surgery. My wrist was injured during the rape and I finally had it corrected the Friday before Christmas. I explained what the surgery was...



Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 20 December 2008 · 21 views

A lieutenant called me about my letter to investigate my grievance against the two detectives that handled my case. I'll be meeting with him on Monday. I will be accompanied by my rape crisis counselor and get this, the director of the crisis center asked to be present as well. I think my case may actually create change in the community.


New Rape Counselor

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 17 December 2008 · 16 views

I met my new rape counselor today. She is very nice. I find it a little hard to start over. I feel as though there is too much history to repeat. But, I gave her a link to this blog. Maybe she will gather a lot of info from here.


The media

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 17 December 2008 · 17 views

Well, no one has called me about the letter I sent out to 16 people. I decided to contact the local newspaper. Maybe this will make things happen for my case.



Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 14 December 2008 · 18 views

I've almost finished Christmas shopping. I don't feel anything really for Christmas. It doesn't hold any happiness for me this year. I do not cope well with change immediately. It takes me a while to accept change. No one can tell if I am having a difficult time. On the outside I am functional and even happy. On the inside I feel like I am dea...


PPO still active...

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 14 December 2008 · 18 views

My lawyer emailed me to tell me that the PPO against my stalking ex is still active. It was supposed to expire last October. He was convicted of stalking but never served his time. May be that is why it is still active. He's since moved onto another woman. I am not afraid of him threatening me anymore, so I haven't pursued keeping it open. We have...


The final draft of my letter

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 09 December 2008 · 17 views

December 2, 2008

Reference: Case Number ########

Dear Safety Services Administrator Chief of Police [Name Withheld],

I am the victim in the rape case which I reported to your department on September 23, 2008. I am writing to express my concerns about the way my case has been handled so far, and to ask your help in resolving these problems as soon as po...


Support of letter

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 06 December 2008 · 23 views

The Safe House Center, a domestic violence and rape crisis center, has expressed interest in turning my letter in to a packet of information. They want to include a letter and information about the reactions of survivors of rape. Our goal is to force the police handling my case to take sensitivity training.

I'll post the final letter probably by next...


No Progress

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 26 November 2008 · 21 views

Still no new information or progress on my case. The police are still unhelpful. My advocate quit her position and now the counselor I am seeing just informed me that she will be leaving in two weeks for a new job.

I was in Washington DC for business on the two month anniversary of my rape. I was scared because I was alone. My pain was a little different...


Legal Advocacy

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 28 October 2008 · 17 views

Tomorrow I will be meeting my legal advocate that I sought out from a local sexual assault nonprofit. I am hoping she will help me kick the police in the but and get them on the track to doing something for my case. They have made so many mistakes. I don't think I shall ever have justice.



Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 23 October 2008 · 17 views

I am very angry with a lot in my life. I am angry with my mother for not protecting me as a child. I am angry with my job because I am unappreciated. I am angry with my boyfriend because I just can't seem to be perfect enough for him. I am angry with my son because he just continues to spiral out of control. I am angry with the last year of my life. T...


One month anniversary

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 22 October 2008 · 16 views

Today was the one month anniversary of my rape. I made love to my boyfriend. I believe I just wanted to replace the thought of HIM with thoughts of love and compassion. We had a wonderful experience. But then afterward I began to cry. I have never cried after sex before. I don't know why this happened. All I can think of is that making love to my boy...


The Rape

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 22 October 2008 · 20 views

I awoke on my stomach in bed with a man sitting on top of me pressing my face into the mattress. My arms were outstretched above my head. I started to flail and he grabbed my arms by the wrists. He was able to hold my wrists in one hand while continuing to press my face into the mattress with the other. I was trying to scream but I couldn't breath. My...


Just a normal day

Posted by cordeliaVorkosigan , 22 October 2008 · 17 views

My son and I awoke at around 7am to get ready for school/work. I dropped him off at the bus stop and after the bus arrived I went to work. This was a Monday. We go to Cub Scouts on Mondays. After work I picked my son up from child care by 6pm. We ate dinner at home and then went to the Cub Scout meeting. We arrived back home at about 8:30pm. My son played...

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