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trying to pull through


taken from another forum...rewarding:D

Posted by Soulstar , 04 July 2010 · 36 views

Complete these...

I Am: H.urt A.ngry T.ired L.onely
I Want: love & love returned
I Wish: I could fly through the trees
I Hate: negativity
I Miss: my mum, dad, sonja, cam, andrea
I Fear: abandonment
I Hear: me typing on computer
I Wonder: where I'll be in a yr....single..working...school..social life...family
I Regret: everything i haven't let...


Details & Distractions-----frig my life thanx to cameron:-( >

Posted by Soulstar , 04 July 2010 · 39 views

Sunday, 04 July 2010

fuck my life it's been 2 days as of 5am it's 3:33atm and no response from cameron.
i thought the bs days were over.
jeremy said it was ok that i cried for five hrs over my shite with cam last summer b/c it made me sad and it was a natural reaction.
Jeremy said I was sad because I cared and it was...


i am a good person...I AM but here's another blogg on CAM <3 still no reply;(

Posted by Soulstar , 03 July 2010 · 53 views

people loved him
young cam
yes, he was perfectly gorgous
and extremely kind and patient
and adorably a computer geek
i saw him every day or night of the week
but what people loved most that seemed to care about me
was that he had an immense effect on me
i went out
they gave you...


Get to see bro, sis and niece

Posted by Soulstar , 03 July 2010 · 41 views

My bro Gav, Susie Q his gf of 12 yrs and my niece Ava are coming to see me after noon today...there's a big FIFA match first. I neglected to mention how shocked I was when the Dutch knocked Brazil out yesterday, and thank-you for the earlier comments Believe makes a lot of sense.....Today is bright and sunny YEA!!!!! I wish you all...


old bf bfed me and asked could he visit

Posted by Soulstar , 02 July 2010 · 51 views

during my traumatic engagement of 3 yrs where i was abused/assualted to the point where he went to jail...i escaped into the arms of a 24 yr old fun caring guy.things didn't work out. honestly, it's krazi but to escape his violence and acute acoholism i smoked a lot of green and one time hung out with the new bf on ex. he didn't do it and i ha...



Posted by Soulstar , 15 June 2010 · 56 views



more than i should

Posted by Soulstar , 14 June 2010 · 50 views

underneath a broken sky
i try to write
my disbelief
that he still expects me to care and all he is
is self-created sadness
and fuck getting caught up in that madness
no means no it needs to be understood
i did my best
more than most would
more than i shoulda done
and now b/c of his dangerously violent tendencies
ive moved on
starting fresh and new
he neve...



Posted by Soulstar , 13 June 2010 · 49 views

if pain is self chosen then i'll tell you this...if it wasn't for the damage done i could've been living in bliss........i hate myself this morning..distaste of self is plain to see..why would anyone wanna know a woman so trapped in misery?



wish me luck

Posted by Soulstar , 12 June 2010 · 45 views

Last night I stayed up til 3am watching Salmon's Lot by Steven King with C.
Mac was too tired and said it was okay to watch it with C. not that I NEED PERMISSION, but it was a "thoughtful" thing.Mac then proceeded to forget he knew anything about it. I moved to the basement............My sis in law and two of my nieces e. and Bella came with...


Moved into basement of house

Posted by Soulstar , 07 June 2010 · 51 views

Luckily, or so 'I thought, when drama girl was asked to leave for being two months behind on rent----i got a two room spot, with just Ames down here. one person to share the shower with instead of 8...lol but Mac got screwed over and his rent went way up and he wants to move back home to get a job...back where my ex-fiance who raped me after he knew i...


im sorry

Posted by Soulstar , 22 May 2010 · 51 views

i feel like a burden
though told i am beautiful, intelligent and engaging,
i am none of these
i do not have the lion's heart of courage that people think
i wear 1010 masks
and when i take the off.....
oh so quickly the laughter fades
the tears beg to flow
but i cannot
something deep down is blocked
i don't wanna die angry sad and alone
but he stol...


why? how?

Posted by Soulstar , 21 May 2010 · 47 views

how did i end up so weak to stay engaged to someone who raped me and another who is my friend now. how did a 15 yr old leave his bs..though he never beat or strangled or poured beer or forced an abortion on her i know at 15 and him 30 at the time it was rape and her virginity no less. he was my partner and it hurts, but this small town doesn't do t w...



Posted by Soulstar , 18 May 2010 · 47 views

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams,
Before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return....


a song I feel atm......life on the moon david cook <3

Posted by Soulstar , 18 May 2010 · 49 views

life on the moon
here in this crowd i'm feeling all alone
turn me around and point me back to home
i'm getting lost more every day
and i can't tear myself away
from the stars in my eyes with no light
here are my terms have some faith in me
and i'll let you need who you need to be


poem and recovering alanon quote

Posted by Soulstar , 15 May 2010 · 43 views

"standing with my arms extended and turning in a full circle
gives me a visual marker of the extent of my responsibility.
If it doesn't come into my space, I leave it alone>"

Courage to Change

you cannot please everyone
you lose ten pounds
where are those so called friend...


it's healthier to keep the focus on me

Posted by Soulstar , 15 May 2010 · 43 views

but with mac at his dad's 2nite....i left a msg at almost 5pm.....it's 8:12pm to be precise now.........
i wonder why he's forgotten about me even for one night and why i trust him...not questioning his worthiness of loyalty i know he's just chillin with his dad with his evil step-mother out of province but am i really focusing on me? my d...


my friend's comment/could be a song anyone know? 2 all of u trying to pull throu:-)

Posted by Soulstar , 15 May 2010 · 29 views

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath when the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless. When you try to speak but you make no sound
and the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud. If your heart wears thin I will hold you up and I will hide you when it gets too much I'll be right beside...


hi :-) soulstar.......excuse my spellin...............on eating disorder coming back need support pleez

Posted by Soulstar , 13 May 2010 · 40 views

eating disorders..do they just come back?
does anyone understand being so stressed you cannot eat,
your bf noticing and eating for him b/c he has enough,
to deal with,
i'm a handlefull,
an engaging, intelligentwanting diet pills from the past that damn near killed you,
having enough respect, self-love maybe...



Posted by Soulstar , 07 January 2009 · 35 views

"if i could change i would,
take all the shame to the grave,
i would" :confused:

"DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...


coming out here was a mistake

Posted by Soulstar , 07 January 2009 · 38 views

i've gone wrong....choking me six x
once.,.....when pissed drunk..at least he talks to me, holds me when i cry, runs baths and holds me when my legs are cramping violently as a side-effect from meds..and it was an inter-action with his mental-health*keeping illness personal shot in his arse..he'd never be drunk and pissed again......never eeven pu...

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