Lotsa swearing and other stuff going on here, be safe if you choose to read. I've been online for the past two hours, I have some sort of drive. i always get this drive every few mths, I just wish I could find a picture of him. I have searched, I have rechanged the search, I found registries, I found warrants, I may have finally figured out his middle name....though I am unsure if he has one or not. The middle initial D. came up.....I've been sitting here wondering if I am making up a memory of hearing someone call him with the middle name David? I'm stuck with this thought.I checked out those online investigators, but I don't want to spend money if I am unsure if it is him or not. I am pretty sure that he is between 39 and 42 now. I think he was born in 1965 or so. I hate that I know so little about him, for someone i thought before all this I knew so well....that I actually fucking liked.I'm disgusted tonight, with myself and with him. I wish I had done something back then, I wonder if things would be different now? I certainly wouldn't be online flying through screens trying to find his fucking face. I found some site that allowed me to pull up his name, well if it is him. If it is I know that he spent time in jail and this guy that came up spent time in Lakeview prison before the years of my rape. I know he has been in trouble prior to our time together. Our time? That sounds loving. So to change it before he raped me. I was reading this book this evening, it was so detailed and the feeling I got off it....well I probally shouldnt have read it. I just want to see what he looks like, I want to compare it to the image in my head. I want to see if there is a comparison? I want to see if he has aged some, if he looks different...acts? Well i'm sure he acts the same exact way.In a way I wish he would pop up on me, where I work isn't exactly a place i can hide in without being noticed so if he did come in I would notice. Many people that I have not seen in years are started to pop in on me. This guy named Ali, he came in last week. I hadn't seen him in almost 4 years. He knows what happend to me and who did it. The damnest thing is that due to anybody's discomfort as to what happend to me nobody will ever tell me if they see him, they won't mention it. Shit they probally don't even fucking remember. I'm a little sad tonight, maybe that is too depressing. I am thoughtful tonight, I don't feel like talking to either of my parents, I don't feel like making convo with a friend that called me, I feel like nothing. I sat in my room on my bed and just hurt, I hate that feeling.All in all today is good, it was a beautiful day just my mood hasnt matched it much.I just want to see a picture, why didn't I take one? I have pictures of so many people I would rather not have to look at but I don't have his. It's in my head, i can see it so well....whenever I close my eyes he's there. But its like a shadow, yet I can still see him.I don't ask to forget, I don't ask for it to all disappear, I just ask for a lousy picture.