Learning from The Prickers...
I think in all things that I do I'm trying to find the brighter days, away from these dark places. Isn't that the goal, after all? Isn't that what I'm trying to achieve through therapy and reaching out here. To find the brighter days? Isn't that what I'm striving for through self-harm and all the other chaotic coping skills I've developed over the years, a way to make things better, brighter?
Why is it so hard though to find those days? I often feel like I have so many things in life that should make my days bright but it's incredibly difficult to find the joy in those things. For example, my brother, SIL, and little nephew are currently in town (they live 13 hours away from me). I love them all and having them here should be making me happy. Instead I'm full of anxiety and stress and am finding it incredibly difficult to find the brightness in my time with them. Instead I feel like a terrible sister and auntie. These days aren't bright at all. They are dim and cloudy, just like every other day. I fear I am losing this battle.
"cause nothing ever really dies; it just quiets down for awhile; and all of the beautiful colors inside...are just dying to come back to life."-the prickers, kurtain kall
I often grieve for the old me, the "before" me. While I can't believe that I will ever completely be that person that I was before being raped, before the physical abuse, for these experiences have in part shaped me into who I am currently, I have hope that not all parts of me have died. That perhaps they really have just quieted down for now, that the beautiful parts of me, the fun, laid back, gentle spirit, are still swirling around inside just waiting to be released again.