Its a constant battle between pain and healing. The pain swallows you up and it would be so tempting to use medicinal means to back it off by feeling numb. Its the external memories the internal heartache the mind games the struggle to regain control. Often just a little self medication is so tempting. Then you think about the anger that life causes from every cut violation touch and you want to feel every minute of the pain like a penance for some mythical wrong you have convinced yourself you deserve. You feel it like it was minutes ago the anger builds like a slow burning fire waiting to build up and explode. From the judgements of others to the faces in the crowd. You know its a battle between anger and determination.You know you are not what you have been through and yet you know you in some way will always be the person your enemies think you are. Then the tears fall and you grieve for what was taken from you for the control you lost the failures and missteps that occur after trauma. You grieve for the memory of yourself before your fate you grieve for the others you grieve for the fear of never recovering. Its a battle between hopelessness and control. Control over your emotions over history over the release of information over the things in life we all regret.
Then finally one day acceptance sets in and you realize you are all these things and its alright for you are stronger than you know and despite your past your guilt fades and your self hate subsides and you realize that no matter what they think of you and your sadness, guilt, anger, pain, and self hate you are beautiful through and through.