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The Pain

Posted by heaeliper , 16 February 2013 · 26 views

Its a constant battle between pain and healing. The pain swallows you up and it would be so tempting to use medicinal means to back it off by feeling numb. Its the external memories the internal heartache the mind games the struggle to regain control. Often just a little self medication is so tempting. Then you think about the anger that life causes from every cut violation touch and you want to feel every minute of the pain like a penance for some mythical wrong you have convinced yourself you deserve. You feel it like it was minutes ago the anger builds like a slow burning fire waiting to build up and explode. From the judgements of others to the faces in the crowd. You know its a battle between anger and determination.You know you are not what you have been through and yet you know you in some way will always be the person your enemies think you are. Then the tears fall and you grieve for what was taken from you for the control you lost the failures and missteps that occur after trauma. You grieve for the memory of yourself before your fate you grieve for the others you grieve for the fear of never recovering. Its a battle between hopelessness and control. Control over your emotions over history over the release of information over the things in life we all regret.

Then finally one day acceptance sets in and you realize you are all these things and its alright for you are stronger than you know and despite your past your guilt fades and your self hate subsides and you realize that no matter what they think of you and your sadness, guilt, anger, pain, and self hate you are beautiful through and through.



Thank you for this post. Thank you for your words. Thank you for reading my mind and heart. Gentle Hugs if ok ((heaeliper))
You are welcome EVH. I am just trying to cure a writers block that is now affecting my work. Often when I am blocked it is due to pent up emotions and I thought I would tap into how I feel about what happened to me. And gentle hugs are always accepted! Take gentle care.
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hopeful1212
Feb 17 2013 05:07 PM
made me cry. beautiful.....especially the second half. TY for your words.
Thank you.. I cannot find the right words to express how or what I feel and as I was reading this I finally about to communicate what my heart feels and my head thinks..

thank you :)
Thank you hopeful212 and fandora gentle hugs if ok. I am sorry my post made you cry and I hope it was not that disturbing for you. If this post helped you get closer to well and whole than it should be me thanking you. I wrote this to tap into my feelings as I have a huge case of writer's block and have found that there is usually an underlying emotional battle causing the block. Take gentle care.

Important information

While it is true that I am a licensed psychologist, I am here as a survivor, I do not work for pandys and anything I say should be taken as advice from a survivor and not that of a professional psychologist. Please refer to the crisis information within the site and know that everyone heals differently.

I do not wish to offend anyone reading my blog, however sometimes I cannot express my view by filtering my entries. Please read everything in my blog with care. Please know that I support all of you and I wish you well on your path to well and whole.

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