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My Shame (Shouldn't T but please read with care)

Posted by heaeliper , 27 January 2013 · 32 views

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  1. a little but I don't agree with some of it. (0 votes [0%])

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  2. I agree and it helped (2 votes [100%])

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  3. No (0 votes [0%])

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There are several things I have done in my life for which I feel ashamed. What it all boils down to is ownership of the things for which I should be ashamed. The aftermath of what happened to me and the fact that I was 13 had profound ramifications. I feel the need when I am struggling to list the things for which I should be ashamed of and follow them up with a promise statement and the list of things that are not my shame.

So here goes:

I am ashamed I tried to poison my body with alcohol after the R. I have 7,201 days of sobriety and will continue to cherish my sobriety!
I am ashamed I disrespected my body by sleeping with a slew of people. I will love myself better.
I am ashamed I allowed others to disrespect me. I will learn to sever ties with these people.
I am ashamed I allowed the judgement of others to cloud my path to well and whole. I will learn to take these people at face value and keep moving.
I am ashamed I feel intimidated often by what happened to my thus rarely standing up for myself. I will learn to put my wants and needs first.
I am ashamed that I get triggered. I will try to avoid triggering things and not punish myself for when I do get triggered.
I am ashamed that what happened to me plays into my life decisions. I will learn to problem solve without letting what happened to me factor into the outcome when it is unrelated choices.

Now the things I am not ashamed of:
The rape. That is something for which he should be shamed.
The trial. That is something for which he should be shamed.
My scars (internal and external). This too is his shame.
The lack of empathy over his death. His life was negative so his death was just the universe trying to right itself.
The emotional scars. This was all him.

Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Important information

While it is true that I am a licensed psychologist, I am here as a survivor, I do not work for pandys and anything I say should be taken as advice from a survivor and not that of a professional psychologist. Please refer to the crisis information within the site and know that everyone heals differently.

I do not wish to offend anyone reading my blog, however sometimes I cannot express my view by filtering my entries. Please read everything in my blog with care. Please know that I support all of you and I wish you well on your path to well and whole.

July 2015

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