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I have been thinking a lot lately about what I would ask my rapist if he were still alive. There is the obvious: Why me? Why anyone? Was he a victim? Did he really think I would forgive him? Did ruining my life somehow validate his? Was he mad I lived? Was he mad I testified? Did he suffer in prison? Did he suffer in death? Was his last thought of me?
Then it occurred to me that no matter what his answers would be nothing will justify what he did. And nothing will change the fact that up against the worse case scenario I emerged a functioning human being. I don't know if this makes me better or worse than him but I hate that we are tied together this way. I hate that I have something to survive in the first place. He stole my childhood but he did not steal my life. I know this sounds rambling but I was just trying to order my thoughts about all this. I hate that he took my ability to believe in things like God and Hope and Faith. I cannot believe that him raping me and leaving me for dead was part of God's plan. I don't know if any good has come from what I went through. I don't even know if I helped anyone along the way. It all seemed like one big path to self destruction. I guess after all this deep thought the only thing for sure is: Everyday I wake up is another day to try to move further down the path to well and whole.
Thanks for reading my rant!
I have been thinking a lot lately about what I would ask my rapist if he were still alive. There is the obvious: Why me? Why anyone? Was he a victim? Did he really think I would forgive him? Did ruining my life somehow validate his? Was he mad I lived? Was he mad I testified? Did he suffer in prison? Did he suffer in death? Was his last thought of me?
Then it occurred to me that no matter what his answers would be nothing will justify what he did. And nothing will change the fact that up against the worse case scenario I emerged a functioning human being. I don't know if this makes me better or worse than him but I hate that we are tied together this way. I hate that I have something to survive in the first place. He stole my childhood but he did not steal my life. I know this sounds rambling but I was just trying to order my thoughts about all this. I hate that he took my ability to believe in things like God and Hope and Faith. I cannot believe that him raping me and leaving me for dead was part of God's plan. I don't know if any good has come from what I went through. I don't even know if I helped anyone along the way. It all seemed like one big path to self destruction. I guess after all this deep thought the only thing for sure is: Everyday I wake up is another day to try to move further down the path to well and whole.
Thanks for reading my rant!
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Important information
While it is true that I am a licensed psychologist, I am here as a survivor, I do not work for pandys and anything I say should be taken as advice from a survivor and not that of a professional psychologist. Please refer to the crisis information within the site and know that everyone heals differently.
I do not wish to offend anyone reading my blog, however sometimes I cannot express my view by filtering my entries. Please read everything in my blog with care. Please know that I support all of you and I wish you well on your path to well and whole.
I do not wish to offend anyone reading my blog, however sometimes I cannot express my view by filtering my entries. Please read everything in my blog with care. Please know that I support all of you and I wish you well on your path to well and whole.
peadophiles------ rapists----- evil animals will come their day. trust me sweetheart.
for us, living with the pain and anguish, please do not let let it control and dictate, destroy our lives.
time is a healer, please trust in me and believe this. as i am stil alive and for me to say that, is, a massive achievement.