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And the roller coaster continues....

Posted by heaeliper , 24 November 2009 · 22 views


It has been an incredibly long time since I posted an entry. I have no reason for this so I will not give an excuse. :blush: The last few months have been tough when it comes to the PTSD due to the rape. I am more sensitive to triggers, my depression is a roller coaster - loops and all, and my self-esteem and confidence tanks are on empty. I have given it a lot of thought about why and I am taking steps to address these things. First I found a new counselor - who specializes in Sexual Violence PTSD and that seems to be going well. I did want to get some comments about my logic on why the PTSD and insomnia is worse. Or just an opinion in general.

First, a little background, married 11 years, no kids, rape was in 1991 when I was 13, live in a super small town, grew up in a super big city, rape was nationally covered, as well as the trial that followed, oh and I am pretty much past crazy.

I think the symptoms that I am going through are because he died. At first I was mad, I mean how come he gets to die and I still have to deal with his crime? I guess some people just get to take the easy way out. But now that it has been like a year, I think I am reacting to the fact that he is dead. Let me explain, for so long he was the reason why I couldn't do things, and he was the reason why my life was not where I wanted it to be, and it was that rape that made me crazy, and the rape made it so I couldn't sleep, and the rape was why my sex life is the way it is. For so long that idea kept me going to a job, and school, and to the store, and living my daily life. Now, he is dead! So that means that I have no one else to blame, no one thing to look at, my failures are now my own again. The thought scares the BLEEP out of me. I do not know if there is any validity to this idea or if it is just part of my crazy. It is an interesting and new idea though.



Important information

While it is true that I am a licensed psychologist, I am here as a survivor, I do not work for pandys and anything I say should be taken as advice from a survivor and not that of a professional psychologist. Please refer to the crisis information within the site and know that everyone heals differently.

I do not wish to offend anyone reading my blog, however sometimes I cannot express my view by filtering my entries. Please read everything in my blog with care. Please know that I support all of you and I wish you well on your path to well and whole.

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.