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heaeliper's Blog


Lost and Struggling. Could T for general depression and other such nonsense

Posted by heaeliper , 04 March 2014 · 75 views

I have been making a list of the things in my life that are going well and a list of the not so well. I am under an extreme amount of stress and my ptsd is really taking its toll here of late. I don't know who this will help but I am going through with it to take a personal inventory. 
Contributing factors to anxiety.
Took emergency custody of...


Been a few sunsets since I posted...not doing so well (could T)

Posted by heaeliper , 16 May 2013 · 87 views

I have not been on in about a month. I have had some trouble finding work and I am not dealing well with the stress at all. My PTSD is haywire and my insomnia is maddening and I am feeling more and more like retreating away from society.

That said in less than a week I will have 20 years sobriety. so that is something right?

I am making an effort to h...


Statements to Ponder

Posted by heaeliper , 26 March 2013 · 95 views

I don't feel comfortable with not feeling like myself, but I hate myself.
I don't think anyone should endure my life, but I feel in a small way I deserve it.
I hate being angry, yet I feel justified in my anger.
I hate feeling broken, yet all evidence points to this.
I think blind faith is mythical, yet so much of my recovery depends on it.


The Wish

Posted by heaeliper , 04 March 2013 · 76 views

I wish you strength of a mountain.
Strength to fight
strength to stay true to yourself
strength to not let this destroy you
strength to find your inner purpose
Strength to carry on

I wish you the hope of a child.
hope for a future
hope for recovery
hope for safety
hope for well and whole

I wish you love deep enough to fill the oceans
love from yourse...


The Ex and His Test(could T for general drama)

Posted by heaeliper , 28 February 2013 · 84 views

My ex husband and I were married for 13 years when on the day of my Grad School Graduation (which he skipped) I walked in on him and another woman in the most compromising of positions. I had quit smoking four years earlier. That ended that day. I decided smoking was better than running them over with my car.

Anyway, the state I live in requires a coup...


A leg up or a inability to accept help?

Posted by heaeliper , 27 February 2013 · 53 views

So I am about two years out of a divorce. I was married for over 13 years and I have worked hard on owning my faults in it. (I am not a woman who believes any relationship is all one person's fault) Even if just sticking around is the fault there is blame on both sides. Anyway, this week has been hard emotionally. I had a doctor's appointment that...


Labels (Could T please read with care)

Posted by heaeliper , 24 February 2013 · 69 views

I friend of mine who does not know about the R is feeling down and hung up on labels so I thought I would remind myself of mine.

My labels

Generation X
College Grad
Grad school Grad
ex wife



Because it bears repeating....

Posted by heaeliper , 21 February 2013 · 38 views

Because it bears repeating...
I am beautiful
I am strong
I am in control
I am loved

Because it bears repeating....
His sins are his
My sins are mine
He stole my innocence
He violated my soul but could not take my spirit

Because it bears repeating...
He tried to break me
He only left me bent
He shattered my dreams
So I made new ones
He shook my fou...


Happy Birthday Matt (If Only) Could T Read With Care

Posted by heaeliper , 19 February 2013 · 57 views

Matt was a smart kid, he was good in school, attentive to friends, and the only thing he loved more than baseball was his family. He dreamed of growing up, going to LSU and being successful in baseball or in the field of science,.. Today is Matt's 34th birthday and there is no doubt in my mind that Matt would be living his dream in the field of scienc...


The Pain

Posted by heaeliper , 16 February 2013 · 34 views

Its a constant battle between pain and healing. The pain swallows you up and it would be so tempting to use medicinal means to back it off by feeling numb. Its the external memories the internal heartache the mind games the struggle to regain control. Often just a little self medication is so tempting. Then you think about the anger that life causes from...


You cannot cure Crazy! (could T read with care)

Posted by heaeliper , 02 February 2013 · 30 views

I have many siblings and many of their kids are reaching the age of going off to college. My siblings want me to share my story with them as a way of knowing that sometimes things happen when people are just minding their business. I have no problem doing this for them as I love my family.

I am a little frustrated with his family as they keep contacting...


My Shame (Shouldn't T but please read with care)

Posted by heaeliper , 27 January 2013 · 30 views

There are several things I have done in my life for which I feel ashamed. What it all boils down to is ownership of the things for which I should be ashamed. The aftermath of what happened to me and the fact that I was 13 had profound ramifications. I feel the need when I am struggling to list the things for which I should be ashamed of and follow them up...


His Second Victim's Story...(T warning) Please read with care

Posted by heaeliper , 23 January 2013 · 27 views

It has been almost two weeks since his second victim took her and her young son's lives in a tragic and horrific way. I contemplated flying home for the funeral but decided that this would not be fair to her family as all I would remind them of is what happened to her. I call her a victim because she never got to well and whole. I sent flowers anonymo...


Low Low and Low but still trying

Posted by heaeliper , 22 January 2013 · 33 views

The clinical definition of insane is doing the same thing the same way over and over again expecting different results.

This sums up my path to well and whole.

That said. Maybe its the stubborn part of me or just a determination to prove people wrong. But I am still trying. My life has got to be better and I have to rise above this. There has to be so...


Giving it up

Posted by heaeliper , 17 January 2013 · 28 views

I cannot hold the self loathing and hatred and anger any longer. It is serving me no function. When I was younger it was my fuel it kept me going. Now the anger and sadness just burns inside of me like a resentment. I don't know if I will ever forgive but I have to give my anger and self loathing up. So I am sending it out into the world never to retu...


Trying to get a handle on things.

Posted by heaeliper , 12 January 2013 · 29 views

Right now I am in a good place in my healing despite several set backs. I am having a hard time getting a handle on things so I am using this blog to write down some thoughts.

The good: MBA, Alive, Healthy Relationship, Getting closer with my family.

The Bad: No job, No sleep, No motivation, Dirty house, depression.

The good clearly outweigh the b...


Emotions about the carnage left behind (Might T) Read with care

Posted by heaeliper , 10 January 2013 · 28 views

The second victim of my rapist took her life and her son's life over the weekend. This is tragic and I have thought of little else but the senselessness of all of this since I found out. I feel angry at him, at her, at me. This scares me because it makes me feel like I am now left to pick up the pieces that he left behind. I am the only evidence left...


Letter to God (Could T)

Posted by heaeliper , 09 January 2013 · 34 views

****Please do not be offended by my post. I respect all religions and if yours works for you than I am happy for your spirituality. ****

I have had a hard time in my 35 years on this earth believing in god. I was raised catholic in one household and greek orthodox in the other. My stepmother was jewish so I do have some experience with that religion as w...


What would you say? (TRIGGER WARNING angry ranting)

Posted by heaeliper , 08 January 2013 · 30 views

:trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I would ask my rapist if he were still alive. There is the obvious: Why me? Why anyone? Was he a victim? Did he really think I would forgive him? Did ruining my life somehow validate his? Was he mad I lived? Was he mad I testified? Did he suffer in prison? Did he suffer in deat...


Sometimes it takes a mountain

Posted by heaeliper , 05 January 2013 · 26 views

Recently I have given a lot of thought to my recovery and how close I am to well and whole. Then today I was around someone who never sees the good in herself and always always has a complaint no matter the situation. She has lived a pretty standard life. Grew up with both parents and step parents, went to school, then college, now has a career. Today she...

Important information

While it is true that I am a licensed psychologist, I am here as a survivor, I do not work for pandys and anything I say should be taken as advice from a survivor and not that of a professional psychologist. Please refer to the crisis information within the site and know that everyone heals differently.

I do not wish to offend anyone reading my blog, however sometimes I cannot express my view by filtering my entries. Please read everything in my blog with care. Please know that I support all of you and I wish you well on your path to well and whole.

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