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Healing and Balancing


Finally Back Online

Posted by SilentOnes , 16 January 2011 · 86 views

After over a month without internet access, except from my phone or the library, we are back up and running from home. It's lovely. I don't know yet how much I'm going to be around Pandy's right now, but I'm hoping to slowly catch up on people's blogs and maybe start blogging at least some here again.


Crap - now what?

Posted by SilentOnes , in Food 07 December 2010 · 123 views

We've been working for months and really intentionally this past month to not eat for comfort if we weren't hungry. It's been hard, but okay.

Last night something was really wrong. I don't know what and I literally had no way to fix it. I tried art, I tried blogging, I tried talking to my partner and getting snuggles, I tried going s...


Changing my Relationship with Food and my Body

Posted by SilentOnes , 01 December 2010 · 152 views

Over the past three weeks or so, I've been intentionally and purposefully changing my relationship with food. I've never been at a weight that I was happy with - and at this point given that we want to be starting a family in a year or so, I need to get healthy physically.

It's hard. I've got a lifetime of stored messages - lots from...


A Different Kind of Difficult

Posted by SilentOnes , 01 September 2010 · 119 views

I was intending to write stuff, but then This is to Mother You by Sinead O'Connor played on my play list. It was the first song by Sinead that I ever heard. A member of my chosen family introduced me to it almost 5 years ago now. It takes me back. I was so young emotionally. So very scared and exhausted all the time, trying to balance living at the h...


The Best Laid Plans.....

Posted by SilentOnes , in grief 30 August 2010 · 122 views

We were working on writing an entry about the stuff that's been surfacing regarding belonging and acceptance. Instead, we get to process another person slowly dying from cancer.

If he dies before the end of the year, this will mark the 4th death that has directly impacted us this year alone. One year. My husband's step-grandfather, my sister...


The Pot gets Stirred - Trigger Warning (Religion/Anger/Swearing)

Posted by SilentOnes , 24 August 2010 · 83 views

Yeah. Ugh. Um, I didn't realize that I'm still this angry about this until it came up indirectly in a thread. I knew I still had stuff to work through from this time period and situation, but I didn't realize just how much was still there.

Trigger warnings abound for swearing, religion, intense anger....

I don't want to lump a...


Rambling to Figure Things Out

Posted by SilentOnes , 28 July 2010 · 84 views

Serious time...

....don't really know where to start writing, I just know that we need to get shit out.

We've been doing a lot of healing, a lot of moving forward. It's been really good. it's been incredibly difficult.

It feels though like there is this darkness inside just waiting, waiting to take over and destroy everythin...


Change is Good, right?

Posted by SilentOnes , 26 July 2010 · 49 views

The hunny and us have made/are making some big changes in how we do things. We have canceled our home internet - although I do have unlimited data on my phone and a neighbour with an unprotected wireless internet. The point of canceling though is to spend more time actually doing things together, rather than sitting there both on a laptop, but not really...


Food Issues

Posted by SilentOnes , in Food 29 June 2010 · 87 views

I don't want to be talking about this. I've been avoiding talking about it anywhere that people could know. It's a huge shame issue for me. But I need to stop hiding it so that I can get a handle on it without the added pressure of it being this huge secret.

Here we go again. My stomach is churning, turning itself inside out with hun...


here we go again

Posted by SilentOnes , 28 June 2010 · 48 views

So, I finished that pack of smokes way too fast...and I"m not getting another one, least not for now. I reserve the right to get one if I get really bad again, but it's back on the wagon again.

We've made plans to go away for the long weekend to the cabin. It helps to have something like that to focus on and look forward to. it makes it...



Posted by SilentOnes , 23 June 2010 · 71 views

Smoking Again

On the one hand, I can't believe that I've just thrown six months of hard work out the window. I didn't want to be back here. On the other hand, oh my God it feels good. It feels so good to have something. I'd forgotten just how good it tasted - how it is so easy to just light one and let the stress melt away - even just...



Posted by SilentOnes , 22 June 2010 · 48 views

Since Bill's death it's really hard to talk to people. We want to isolate, especially from those who are friends. It's hard to find words and allowing ourselves to be empathetic and relate again....it feels overwhelming. Baby steps, right?

We've just been more reflective/introspective and more focused on life right here. Letting the...


R&R Weekend

Posted by SilentOnes , 02 June 2010 · 49 views

I'm excited - my hunny and I are getting away for a couple of nights. Some of his relatives have a home up in the mountains, but they aren't going to be there this weekend - so we'll get the whole place to ourselves and it's in the middle of nowhere - it feels very safe and relaxing up there for both of us.

I can already feel the tight...


Thinking Out Loud

Posted by SilentOnes , 28 May 2010 · 51 views

When you get to a point in healing where basic functioning always happens, how do you gauge how bad things really are?

I recognize that I'm swamped. I've been doing a lot of hard things in my own healing lately. I've been focusing on allowing the feelings to be felt and finding healthy outlets, rather than just writing about it and expectin...


Numb and Grieving

Posted by SilentOnes , in grief 25 May 2010 · 90 views

The sister next in age to me just lost her boyfriend this weekend. Freak accident, serious brain injury, and they pulled the plug.

Can't go be with her, because then I wouldn't be able to re-enter the country to be with my husband. I hate being status-less at times like these.

Right now we just want to stay numb and sleep. Sleep is good....

Trigger and Language Warnings

Things To Be Aware Of:

This blog uses real words, profanity, and talks about abuse, in all it's different forms.

Given that we are a co-conscious system, first person singular and first person plural are used interchangeably.

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