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raw&burnt and Zelda like this

It Wasn't Him

21 February 2010
Posted by raw&burnt  
I was at work one day, a few months ago, when this Iranian man came in to make a purchase. He was a decent enough man, but his accent triggered me. I felt nauseous and my knees wanted to buckle. I hated that he reminded me of my perpetrator, that any Iranian man will have this affect on me, that my association with Iranian men will be the guy who...
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Tags: Identity, Feelings, Blitherings, Ramblings, Survivor, Thoughts

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Intrusive Thoughts.

11 May 2009
Posted by raw&burnt  
http://en.wikipedia....rusive_thoughts

Every day of my life. Can you relate? Gets in my way of a normal happy life. I persist through them, but they're there, like an emotional tumour.

Tags: Survivor

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Posted by raw&burnt  
I wrote this when I first registered in December of 2003. I've been here a long time, and when I went searching for my topics and entries, I found this and felt nostalgic. I thought I'd add it here.
I'm new here, so I guess I should make myself known.
I'm 35, living at home with my parents again since last year. My history...
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Tags: Survivor

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How to Forget the Past

14 July 2008
Posted by raw&burnt  
[font="Tahoma"]Sometimes, events that happen in our life make us feel tired, burdened, or regretful. We spend too much time thinking about a horrible deed we've committed, even though we no can no longer change it. So how do we move on from a bad experience?

Steps: Accept that it happened. It's not the easiest thing...
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Tags: Survivor

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Entry 11

03 June 2008
Posted by raw&burnt  
1. Where do you fall on the scale of aversion/compulsion? List three instances when you avoided your sexuality and/or list when you had compulsive sex.
When I first moved away from home, it was then I discovered my need for sex. It was only a month and a half that I lost my virginity to a boy. After he gave me the whole,...
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Tags: Survivor

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Stuff I Searched For.

09 May 2008
Posted by raw&burnt  
http://bamasteelmagnolia.wordpress.com/200...ly-hicks-burch/

[b]Women’s Health Part III: Frozen…Flight or Fright - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Panic...
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Tags: Survivor

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Reading Several Books

14 April 2008
Posted by raw&burnt  
I found a couple of books and bought them. Feels like impulsive shopping, but one book was, "The Story of Jane Doe", about a woman in Toronto who was raped in her own place and the cops took so long and were inadequate because of their sexist attitudes; the thing that was so horrible, besides the rape, was that the cops knew there was a...
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Tags: Survivor

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Posted by raw&burnt  
Incest: A Family Tragedy
Documentary
Dir: Edward Blackoff | USA | 2006 | 96 min
Saturday June 9, 1:00 pm - PTE Colin Jackson
An intense exploration of the secret world of child sexual molestation by family members and trusted friends. Hear for the first time the truth of how...
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Tags: Survivor

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Should Is a Bad Word.

29 May 2007
Posted by raw&burnt  
Several months ago, probably late last year, my mom wanted to add a pomade to my scalp, so I sat in front of her in the livingroom. The tv was on and there was a grown man who played hockey as a little boy confessing that his coach molested him. I got uncomfortable. My mom caually asked, "Did that happen to you?" I felt so ashamed of...
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Tags: Survivor

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I Don't Want To.

17 May 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I don't know what else to write without repeating myself.
I have the same thoughts everyday.
I was doing good with a role in a movie, and the thoughts were still lingering.
I roll them over and come up with conclusions but it doesn't change a thing.
I'll live with this every single day for the rest of my life.
I had this idea.
I could...
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Tags: Survivor

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No Matter What

27 February 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I remember watching a story on the tv years ago, about a woman who went to her doctor for something. He ended up drugging her and raping her. She fought for years, getting a private eye to investigate what was really going on after the police and people she trusted let her down. Eventually, the doctor confessed to what he did, supplying the whole...
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Tags: Survivor

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Shame

24 February 2006
Posted by raw&burnt  
I'm performing a show and it involves monologues instead of basic scenes with other actors. The theme to one of the pieces is about shame and it's made me look inside myself about what shame lurks within me. Not just for the sake of the piece, but any piece I do makes me think about its subject. I mean, I can't help but wonder why I...
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Tags: Survivor

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We Both Consented!

18 October 2005
Posted by raw&burnt  
I've had sex with men and women and it doesn't make a huge difference. I had sex with someone I thought wasn't interested in me, and it was with a man. I don't want to worry where it'll go. Beforehand, I was worried about if I'll get triggered, but since it's been so long, I was too horny to care. It's like the...
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Tags: Survivor

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Annihilator/Beloved Touch

03 September 2005
Posted by  
I theorize about my take on why I've had sex.I wanted men to fix me. I wanted the right man to be the salve to the part of me that was violated. Take that part of me that triggers and heal it. I never dealt with being molested after it happened because I didn't know what exactly was going on. There was this kid, Raymond [[i]he's in...
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Tags: Survivor

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The Lock On The Door

27 August 2005
Posted by  
I never realize there was a door to what safety I had.It was burst open and the hinges were broken.I never bothered to fix them because I trusted others to be respectful.Those who saw the opportunity, just waltzed right in and took what they wanted.I had valuables I didn't realize I had...
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Tags: Survivor

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Pushing Past That Wall

10 August 2005
Posted by  
When I'm feeling most irritable, it's the feelings I hold inside that need to burst free. The complaint of feeling the trauma most when I'm physically active is my body's way of working and wrestling through it. The worst thing I can do is find a place of stillness to settle it so it won't bother me, but then it lays there,...
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Tags: Survivor

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My Future Goal

06 August 2005
Posted by  
"To forgive and forget is to reflect love. Many of us are slaves of our past. Situations pass, they cease to exist, but they continue to be alive in the mind. Open your heart and be generous, free yourself from that sorrow, forgive and forget and you will live every moment in peace."
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Tags: Survivor

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Posted by  
[color=purple]The Myths of Rape"Rape may be one of the most misunderstood phenomena in history. Although it has happened often, the victims (the real experts on what rape is like), usually remained silent out of fear, embarrassment, or the desire to put it out of their minds. Non-victims,...
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Tags: Survivor

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Every Single Day

10 July 2005
Posted by  
When I was in therapy years ago, Andrew, my therapist, encouraged me to write about it, work it out so I could feel better about it. The very concept scares me to death. Nevermind having it in my head forever, in my body that I don't want to be in, but to remember it on paper, to remember it as it's being played out, to recite it to the...
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Tags: Survivor

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Once Again....

05 July 2005
Posted by  
[i]I had this huge entry, then I hit the wrong button and it just vanished! I'm still stunned by my blunder.Anyway, I was writing about Control and how I've reimaged the past events in my head so I could understand them better. That hasn't done any good. I'm still choked that that last entry went away on me. It was so...
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Tags: Survivor

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raw&burnt and Zelda like this

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