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Q's questing



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Where I really am now

Posted by Qrious , in Where I am now, *tw* hurt 01 September 2014 · 78 views

:trigger: Sui, ED, baby cravings


So. Been writing a lot of summaries to work through my thoughts of where I am, now that T is wrapping up, certainly with this T and through my insurer, potentially more widely.

And the summaries have been great. I've corralled a lot of whirring, repetitive thoughts, marshalled some, managed to at least hit pause on oth...


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I am Spock

Posted by Qrious , in Uncategorized, Where I am now 30 August 2014 · 84 views

I didn't plan to write a blog on emotions, but the topic has come up for me hugely in the last few days, and so here it is (starts?). The very fact that at a point where I am summarising thoughts on a number of issues that T has touched on and this DIDN'T come up, didn't even occur to me, is telling in itself.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have slowly...


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It can't be everyone else, so it must be me...

Posted by Qrious , in Where I am now, *tw* hurt, Pregnancy 28 August 2014 · 92 views

:trigger: anger, r*, ED

I have had moments in the last 12 hrs where I have been genuinely angry at people. In both cases, it was over something that I at the time blamed myself for; the anger at seemingly everyone in my life, who all seem to support that I am the one at fault, doesn't last long, and instead of being glimmerings that I might want to stand...


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How I show hurt

Posted by Qrious , in Where I am now, Uncategorized 25 August 2014 · 23 views

My T once tried to check how I was when I was leaving, double checking with the revelation that he thought that he wouldn't be able to tell if I chose not to let him know. Sadly, he doesn't check when I am really, really not good, so I must be very good at covering (had to be, as woe betide you looked hurt as a kid in my house; hurt=reproach=ungratefulnes...


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Decisions

Posted by Qrious , in Where I am now 24 August 2014 · 62 views

How I make decisions:

1. I know my stance on something and I stick to it

2. I get stuck, whirr and whirr faster and faster, lose a night or two's sleep, then when doing something else or finally getting a couple of hours' kip, the answer just pops into my head. I prod it a few times to test it over the next couple of days, to see if I still feel the sam...


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Fuelling this body

Posted by Qrious , in Uncategorized, Where I am now 24 August 2014 · 30 views

:trigger: ED discussion, please do not read if vulnerable

I struggle with my body. I know it's weird, but I tend to forget anything exists from the neck down.

The problem with pregnancy was not being able to ignore what lurked beneath. The physical screamed for attention with cramps, sickness, etc.

But equally, I struggle to be aware of the physical. I...


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Pregnancy

Posted by Qrious , in Pregnancy, Where I am now, Uncategorized 24 August 2014 · 16 views

:trigger: r*, termination, eating issues

Pregnancy is a real biggie for me. Getting pregnant (after months trying with my husband) two years ago was when the wheels fell off. I suffered permanent panic, major depression, I went from wanting it to telling the emergency counsellor I found that I felt it was 'me vs it' and that pregnancy felt 'like rape tha...


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Sex

Posted by Qrious , in Uncategorized, Where I am now 24 August 2014 · 16 views

:trigger: frank talk of sex, r*



In a fairly excruciating moment, I shared with my T how I have specific issues to do with blow jobs. He actually seemed a little relieved; as he put it, 'you were remembering' - the bizarre sudden recall of these traumatic events that I swear I didn't remember till January has been bewildering to me, not wholly believed...


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Boundaries 2: the physical

Posted by Qrious , in Uncategorized, Where I am now 24 August 2014 · 17 views

A friend of mine, who I met post-assault, once said of me that rather than personal space boundaries, I have full- on force fields. I hadn't noticed; he was quite huggy, as I had always been previously, but clearly am not any more.

I guess my doubts about physical boundaries is that I have never known what is an acceptable limit to place; as such, I view...


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Boundaries 1: privacy and noise

Posted by Qrious , in Where I am now 23 August 2014 · 55 views

Boundaries: The biggie. Not sure that this has reached a distilled 'conclusion' yet, but gathering all the recurring thoughts it keep having about this might help. Clarity about boundaries - ha! But here's a first draft....

1. Personal space / noise

When I was seven, I had my dream come true on TV. The space thing came before that, when all the children...






October 2014

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