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Q's questing


Context is everything part 2: not so cheery

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt, Reference 10 June 2015 · 192 views

:trigger: sex, attitudes to the body

I wanted to shelve this, to indulge in the warm glow for a while post T. But I can't. My thoughts are not going where I will them, and I'm not sure how long I will be in charge. And I want to get this down, now, as I think it's probably important.

It bubbled up last night, as I was not sleeping. It stemmed from yoga,...


Context is everything: happier musings on being with a nice T. Huge tw for possible surfacing memorier right at end

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt, Reference 10 June 2015 · 174 views

I brought up my 'rules' in T yesterday. With my old T, we had identified these as: x can't mean to hurt me; therefore, either I am being oversensitive, or I have misunderstood. I need to get past the hurt and be reasonable.

My old T pointed out how these rules affected life now; also, how self awareness involves identifying these rules, these beliefs, an...


17 months thus far, and again I ask, frightened of the answer now: am I just crazy? *tw

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 06 June 2015 · 235 views

Exhausting day. Woke up from nightmare of confronting my mother. Shouting at her about how much she's hurt me, seeing her pain, and my sister's. Packing up my possessions, knowing I wouldn't see her again. So much lost. So, so much. It isn't just a dream; come what may, I will never forgive her for the last six months.

Part of me dies. Another gaping hol...


Losing my father

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt, Reference 12 April 2015 · 274 views

My father died eleven years ago on Orthodox easter, 11 April. It's Orthodox Easter today; it was the 11th yesterday. It's a weird time.

My father in law, C of E, died on non-Orthodox Easter three years later. Of course, that was last week.

I've kept my head up, but today is hard.

Yesterday was just odd. Numb. Before the last year, in T, I'd have descr...


You hurt me

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt, Reference 25 February 2015 · 242 views

Letter to my sis tw* honesty

You hurt me, sis.

When I told you I was raped, and you quit writing, quit existing- you hurt me.

When I told you I was raped, and you asked, 'was it dad?', you hurt me.

When months earlier I told you I was in T for ptsd, and you told me you were busy supporting mum through my distancing, couldn't spare any time for me, yo...


Where trust ends: is that paranoia? Tw: sui thoughts, problem husband, problem relationship, or just me in a crap, irrational place

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, Reference 16 February 2015 · 278 views

We've been struggling with the baby issue for a while. Not biologically, but my existing pregnancy phobia has now extended to a sex phobia and an all physical touch/exams phobia. Plus, instead of the antenatal depression I suffered all too briefly, I now have less severe but constant life depression. So the psychological barriers are more extreme now, not...


Where next? *tw* Sui

Posted by Qrious , in Where I am now, Brightness, *tw* hurt 06 February 2015 · 272 views

Okay. Weird week.

To be quite honest, when my T was busy throwing me out of his office, and I was busy pretending that was okay, I felt overwhelmed and hopeless, and my brain had quit being frightened, because it had concluded that staying alive was no longer rational, and what the hell was causing the hold up in getting it over with, already?

It's bee...


Mummy dearest

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 13 January 2015 · 216 views

Yep, I'm banging on. I want to bang on. I'm so hurt, it's almost the same as anger. Isn't it?

While my husband was driving me to my breast appt at the end of December, I said out loud seemingly from nowhere but following an earlier conversation about how my family didn't know I was going to hospital (his mum and my cleaner both called that evening to che...


Three parts

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 07 January 2015 · 244 views

:trigger: do NOT read if vulnerarble

:trigger: discussion of self-destructive tendencies, suicide

Sleepless night, much thinking, mostly about getting through next ten days. I did snooze a little though, and came to the realisation that at the moment, I'm a war zone of three different parts, and I am so frightened as to who will win, that I'm...


Car crash

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 02 January 2015 · 207 views

My T told me a couple of months ago that you can become self-aware, identify the beliefs underlying your behaviour, adapt accordingly and take responsibility for your life, or you could choose to be a victim.

That is a ferociously large stick to hand a girl to beat herself up with...

I repeated some really poor behaviours a month ago. I'm now too asham...

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