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Q's questing


Mummy dearest

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 13 January 2015 · 56 views

Yep, I'm banging on. I want to bang on. I'm so hurt, it's almost the same as anger. Isn't it?

While my husband was driving me to my breast appt at the end of December, I said out loud seemingly from nowhere but following an earlier conversation about how my family didn't know I was going to hospital (his mum and my cleaner both called that evening to che...


Three parts

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 07 January 2015 · 55 views

:trigger: do NOT read if vulnerarble

:trigger: discussion of self-destructive tendencies, suicide

Sleepless night, much thinking, mostly about getting through next ten days. I did snooze a little though, and came to the realisation that at the moment, I'm a war zone of three different parts, and I am so frightened as to who will win, that I'm...


Car crash

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 02 January 2015 · 52 views

My T told me a couple of months ago that you can become self-aware, identify the beliefs underlying your behaviour, adapt accordingly and take responsibility for your life, or you could choose to be a victim.

That is a ferociously large stick to hand a girl to beat herself up with...

I repeated some really poor behaviours a month ago. I'm now too asham...


Light and dark

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 26 December 2014 · 62 views

:trigger: frank discussion of sui

It's been a fun few weeks. Having been let down by both my family and my husband, I found myself telling my T on Tuesday that I had nothing. He checked on this, asked me if I was sure.

'Yes. I have nothing. The only thing I have is me.'
'Well, that's something. How do you mean, you have you?'
'I have my sheer effort...


The roaring silence

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 21 December 2014 · 59 views

My T advised me a few weeks ago to cut contact with my family.

He's very keen that I take care of myself, and put me first to this end with them. However... The guilt of not being able to support my mum and sister, whose responses to my asking for not help even, but a bit of consideration, have been to dump their problems on me and then stop calling, the...


So, it turns out, it WAS my fault

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 16 December 2014 · 91 views

Had an interesting T session last week, but there was one thing said that has had me waking in a cold sweat.

I told my T about the conversation I had with my sister about where that line is, how many times you have to tell a guy no, how often we've been bullied, nagged, threatened into sex. I also told him about how when this was first happening to her,...



Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 14 December 2014 · 55 views

This is a blog for all those who fear everyone else has it together...

Last night I had unprotected sex with my husband. I have previously said to him no protection, no sex (at my T's suggestion) and yet.... I was struggling with sex in the dark, sex when I didn't want, sex with a breast lump.... Unprotected sex happened. For me, pregnancy = suicide. But...


The absurdity of the male midlife crisis (mlc)

Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt, Uncategorized 13 December 2014 · 56 views

:trigger: everything. DO NOT READ if vulnerable

Just been reading an article on the male mlc, and I'm struck by the absurdity of it. Of the ridiculous indulgence men allow themselves, questioning their purpose, buying a sports car, learning to play the electric guitar.... All absolutely nonsensical. It's almost as if they see something real that women go...



Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 04 December 2014 · 42 views

Posted this yesterday, then pulled it, when it left me feeling too exposed. But it's honest and true, and I think should be part of my story...

:trigger: Extreme negative thinking, Sui

Last week, I finally decided to quit T. I know that's not the right answer for many here, but I simply can take NO MORE. And my T keeps pushing me as to something from...



Posted by Qrious , in *tw* hurt 18 November 2014 · 108 views

Enough. Enough already with this shit. Enough.

I am sick to death of this whiny, pointless, crap person I seem to have become.

I am sick to death of listening to my voice in T - god alone knows how tired of it he is.

I am sick to death of the depression, of hating myself, my self, as well as my carcass, which I could quite happily rip from my bones.


January 2015

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