Day 75: The Vampire and the Captain
First, I feel the need to confess my status. I am eating very little and sleeping even less. I am doing a little better each day since the gynecologic exam. But, it really knocked me for a loop. However, even though I'm struggling (even though I would rather not have the nausea, insomnia, and nightmares) I am still glad I have stuck to this healing work. If I had it to do over, I would do it again the same way.
On a related note, when my therapist and I discussed the gynecologic appointment, I told her I believed I could face it again when the time comes. It might be just as difficult next time, but I will get through it. I told her I realized having so much time in between only made my fear worse. She asked if I thought I could schedule another exam soon, for just that reason, to have another exposure while I still feel this way. I can see the sense in the suggestion. However, I am not sure I could justify with my insurance having another exam at this point. I will, nonetheless, need another exam in a few months when I have started the new treatment she'll prescribe. I have some tests to complete first. At the moment I feel OK about the idea of being examined again.
For some reason, right now in my bleary exhaustion, I feel emboldened. It's like I can feel the ropes that have tied my hands slightly coming loose. I know it will be even more painful to keep pulling at the binds as they dig into my skin, but I will be free when I'm done.
The difference in my real life situation from this metaphor of being bound by ropes is that I don't have to fight so hard as to cause real injury. I think I developed a pattern of fighting for my life (of being willing to fight to the death) through my years of abuse. I learned that to fight meant sustaining cuts and bruises. But, it was better to have those cuts and bruises than to deal with the alternative. This is not the case today. I can keep working loose the bonds without gnawing through my limbs.
It's funny to me that I often have some "first" thing that pops into my mind when I start to write a blog entry. The topic I started out to write about is vampires.
For years I have had night terrors involving vampires. I have them quite infrequently these days. But, I had one at 2 o'clock this morning.
In my vampire dreams I am not only being chased, knowing I will be converted to a vampire if I don't escape, but I am also the vampire. I go back and forth between roles. The odd thing about it to me is even when I am the vampire I still feel terrified. I feel the terror of the person I am chasing. My dream last night had a few deviations from its usual form.
Often in these dreams I experience what it feels like to be able to fly around and move like a vampire. It's pure adrenaline. It's completely exhilarating and has an almost addictive quality to it. In this dream I did not feel that exhilaration. I only felt terror.
Also, this dream was set in an enclosed environment, the inside of a space ship. This dream was more frightening than others because I was not able to be out in the open. I was not able to find as many places to hide. There were not closets or cupboards. All I could do was run from room to room. The ship was entirely white and every surface was perfectly smooth and clean. There was no one else around but me and the vampire. Everyone else had found a way to hide, but I couldn't get in to where they were. I had a grim knowledge I would be caught, but I wasn't going to give in. I would run until I was caught.
As I reached the command center the vampire was right behind me, flying above. At that moment, I shifted role to the vampire. I could see me running, and I felt a little amused because I knew how much faster I (the vampire) was than her (the girl). I knew I was about to get her. Then, I dove and opened my mouth, preparing to sink my teeth in as I landed on her from behind. Just then I changed roles again. I became the captain of the ship (Jean Luc Picard - yep, this was on the Enterprise ). I don't know where the captain came from. But, as the captain I dove forward between the girl and the vampire with the thought that I could take the bite and she could escape while the vampire fed on me.
I was so fast getting in the vampire's path that it worked. He sunk his teeth into my neck and couldn't pull away. He wanted the girl, but couldn't stop taking my blood, and my life. As the captain I could feel my life being drained, and the evil of the vampire flowing into me. I realized I made a mistake. I was going to become a second vampire that would now chase the girl, who still had no escape.
That's when I woke up yelling.
I think at least one message of this dream is that I'm afraid of the choices I have made recently. But, even though I'm afraid of what might happen to me, I still have a hero inside of me, ready to protect me, ready to sacrifice for me. Also, I think the vampire represents something that consumes my energy, something I can't escape: my healing process. I need to be less afraid of this process and allow for the energy it requires.
There might be other meanings (more/different), but that's what I think right now.