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Intrepid She



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Day 367: Anniversary of ?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 14 December 2014 · 164 views

A year ago plus a few days I posted my first entry, telling the beginning thread of my abuse history. It took me a few days this week to find the words to mark a year, this year of finding and giving voice.
 
As I started to write this posting I was tempted to refer to this entry as a terrible anniversary, thinking of it as an ann...


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Day 256-257: Feeling Anger and Loss

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Healing Work 25 August 2014 · 171 views

Aug. 24-25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 185-186 Days
 
The news from my mom about my step-father's heart surgery really got to me. I had the worst headache of my life the night I got the news (last Thursday) and cried for hours as I tried to fall asleep. It wasn't clear to me why I was crying. I was in agony but I couldn't understand the reason for...


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Day 248-255: Overwhelmed

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 23 August 2014 · 121 views

Aug. 16-23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 176 - 184 Days
 
I have been and expect to continue working extremely long hours for the next few weeks. Some serious problems have come up at my job that require me to resolve, over and above my normal responsibilities. It's the nature of my position to take the heat or the fall when something goes wrong. I expec...


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Day 244: Catheter Appointment and Learning About Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 12 August 2014 · 142 views

Aug. 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 172 Days
 
It's strange to combine the two topics I have to write about tonight, but they really did follow one another yesterday.
 
My self-catheterization appointment was the last appointment of the day at my ObGyn's office. I asked for the last appointment in case I had a bad reaction. AF went with me, as planned,...


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Day 239 and 240: Heretofore Unspeakable <Severe Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 07 August 2014 · 172 views

Aug. 6 and 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 167-168 Days
 
Please don't read this posting if you might be vulnerable to being triggered. For that reason, the whole thing is behind a spoiler.
 

This might just be the most important posting I have made.
 
Yesterday (August 6th) the dam finally broke. For the last two weeks, or possibly three weeks, I...


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Day 230: Facing Dragons (13 days to self-catheterization) <TRIGGER warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 28 July 2014 · 267 views

July 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 158 Days
 
Dear AF:
 
There are so many things I want to say to you and I am so limited in my ability to say them. How does one find the words to thank someone who faced a dragon with them? Shopping today felt like facing a dragon, at least it did before hand.
 
Because of the challenges with which you are...


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Day 226: Do You Want to Breathe? <Major Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 25 July 2014 · 203 views

July 24, 2014 Intrepid Age = 154 Days
 
I am posting this on July 25th. I didn't post yesterday because I had a pretty big break down at work and left early. I have never been so overcome by emotion that I couldn't shut it down. It was how I imagine one might react to the news of a loved one's death.
 
I was working with AF, both of us strugglin...


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Day 219: Replacement for Being a Burden

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 17 July 2014 · 197 views

July 17, 2014 Intrepid Age = 147 Days
 
Things I believed about myself in childhood:
I am ugly.
I am selfish.
I am bold.
I am dramatic.
I am attention seeking.
I am plain.
I am awkward.
I am weak.
I am a good student.
I am well behaved.
I am shy to the point of backward.
I am afraid of other people.
I am worthless except for my ability to help o...


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Day 218: The Mirror Beyond the Veil

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 16 July 2014 · 131 views

July 16, 2014 Intrepid Age = 146 Days
 
Rough day, but doing better. Cried my eyes out again. I feel like I am turning the corner on the grief. I hope so.
 
I realized today I have been living with two realities: one in which I expect abuse, neglect, and abandonment and another in which I live to ensure these things don't happen to others. There...


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Day 216: Beaten to a Pulp <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 14 July 2014 · 201 views

July 14, 2014 Intrepid Age = 144 Days
 
All day I was on edge. It was the first time since I have been at my current job I didn't laugh in an entire day, or almost. We got to the very end of the day. Two of us were working on the final task of the day. One of us said something that made the other laugh and I observed it was the first time either of u...


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Day 214: He . . . <trigger warning for the rest of the title - displayed in the posting>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 12 July 2014 · 193 views

He Pulled Me Down the Bed by my Feet
 
July 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 142 Days
 
You'd think by the title what I am about to write was the source of yet another emotional break down. And, by rights it should be. But, something entirely different happened today in my healing process, something unexpected, something for which I doubt I can do...


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Day 213: He Stood in the Doorway, Considering (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 11 July 2014 · 182 views

July 11, 2014 Intrepid Age = 141 Days
 
"I think I'll take some time off from remembering my history. " That's what I told myself yesterday. It turns out it's easier said than done. The intensity of my need for comforting overwhelms my cognitive choices about when and how I will process.
 
Last night I worked incredibly late with AF on a projec...


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Day 211: Decompressing My Doctor Visit and T Session

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 09 July 2014 · 236 views

July 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 139 Days:
 
I have essentially three chapters of writing tonight: (1) Today's T session; (2) The Doctor Appointment; and, (3) The Well.
 
A therapy session and an unplanned doctor visit in the same day . . . it was intense . But it was good. Not to say I didn't experience fear, sorrow, and pain. However, the fear...


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Day 210: Unexpected Call from Doctor (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 08 July 2014 · 184 views

July 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 138 Days:
 
It was a big, big day today. First of all, I am starting to open up to another friend (someone from work). She's also a health care provider, I don't know yet how to nickname her. She is feisty, hard working, organized, and compassionate. She's a nurse. We have been warming up to one another for...


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Day 208: Heartbreak and Tears (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 06 July 2014 · 300 views

July 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 136 Days:
 
We made the drive home after some difficult farewells this morning. The trip was wonderful, connecting in new ways with old friends. One of the things that happened was a moment of someone else sharing that caused me to cry. That's never happened before! I have three women friends there whose kids all...


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Day 205: Wednesday's Horrifying Splinter (extreme trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Healing Work 04 July 2014 · 471 views

July 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 133 Days:
 
I started and wrote most of this yesterday (July 3rd), but didn't get it posted until today, July 4th. This is VERY long. I needed to get it out. It has made me sick having it inside me; and it made me sick writing it.
 

Yesterday we drove for just under 10 hours to arrive at our friend's house. It has al...


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Day 200: Volitile Eruption (TRIGGER WARNING)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 28 June 2014 · 228 views

June 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 128 Days:
 
Friends
 
Some days one foot cannot find its place beside the other, yet I continue to propel forward.
Some days it feels like dub fails to follow lub, yet oxygen flows to my limbs.
Some days I fear the sun just will not rise, yet it wakens me through my curtains, much to my surprise....


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Day 197: Injurious Trigger

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 25 June 2014 · 182 views

June 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 125 Days:
 
I have a friend I've known for a very long time with whom I have been out of contact for a few years (five or six maybe) who contacted me a couple days ago as we was getting ready to move to my area. I will refer to her as Elizabeth (Liza). She knew from Facebook where I was. She decided to leave her husband....


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Day 195: Terrible News in an Inconvenient Place

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 23 June 2014 · 150 views

June 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 123 Days:
 
I'm home. It feels like I was away for a long time because I haven't been keeping up with other's blogs here. So, I won't do a full posting tonight. I want to catch up with everyone.
 
I feel exhausted. I am sore from crying. As I wrote that posting last night I cried so much it was nearly impossible to t...


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Day 192: Particularly Painful and Healing

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 21 June 2014 · 196 views

June 20, 2014 Intrepid Age = 120 Days:
 
Whew. It is so late that it is now yesterday I am writing about. I spent time with my sister this evening. It was good. We went through play lists and introduced music to one another. We have always shared a great passion for music and enjoy exchanging new discoveries.
 
This evening I went out to dinner...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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