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Intrepid She


What Now!

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology 20 April 2015 · 199 views

My doctor is leaving her practice. What in the world am I going to do now?! I am already overdue by several weeks for my followup. I am already in a tailspin right now with too much stress. I had really strong SI last week because a stranger grabbed me and I humiliated myself in front of colleagues.

Before that even happened I was feeling like I was sta...


Day 267: Ripped Through with Pain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 04 September 2014 · 288 views

Sept. 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 196 Days
I must be a glutton for pain because I have now exposed myself to exquisite agony.

Most importantly, today I told my children about separating from their father. I planned to tell them last night but was side tracked by a severe bout of bladder spasms. I have much to say about that, but it's secondary to...


Day 248-255: Overwhelmed

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 23 August 2014 · 177 views

Aug. 16-23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 176 - 184 Days
I have been and expect to continue working extremely long hours for the next few weeks. Some serious problems have come up at my job that require me to resolve, over and above my normal responsibilities. It's the nature of my position to take the heat or the fall when something goes wrong. I expec...


Day 244: Catheter Appointment and Learning About Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 12 August 2014 · 195 views

Aug. 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 172 Days
It's strange to combine the two topics I have to write about tonight, but they really did follow one another yesterday.
My self-catheterization appointment was the last appointment of the day at my ObGyn's office. I asked for the last appointment in case I had a bad reaction. AF went with me, as planned,...


Day 241 and 242: More Health Difficulties

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 09 August 2014 · 194 views

Aug. 8 and 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 169-170 Days
I nearly had to go to the hospital last night. I'm not positive what happened, but I believe I was having bladder spasms. I was with a friend who is a nurse. She really wanted me to go to the hospital. But, I called my ObGyn and asked if I could just monitor my pain overnight and let her know if i...


Day 236: Experiencing Anxiety from Lack of Information

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 03 August 2014 · 206 views

Aug. 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 164 Days
A week to go until the self-catheterization appointment. I spoke briefly with the ObGyn and asked her what the appointment will involve. The answer wasn't sufficiently detailed for me. It didn't tell me anything more than I know already. I was looking for more of a step-by-step description. Will anyone else touc...


Day 229: 14 Days to Self-catheterization; 1 Day to Shopping

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 27 July 2014 · 276 views

July 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 157 Days
I'm thinking I should give myself a break. I'm thinking this because I have two big triggers to face and I'm looking to back out of one of them. But, I have been avoiding it for weeks and weeks now (shopping). And, I have another important event this week. My job calls for me to meet with guests who are strateg...


Day 228: 15 Days

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 27 July 2014 · 274 views

July 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 156 Days
August 11th is 15 days away. August 11th is when I'll have the self-catheterization appointment. I'm working to see this appointment as going well, to not feel afraid or expect anything bad to happen. In order to get there I think I need to go through the fear exercise because I am feeling intensely afraid of t...


Day 224: Scheduled Self-catheterization Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 22 July 2014 · 153 views

July 22, 2014 Intrepid Age = 152 Days
I feel compelled to note as I continue to feel like I'm fighting for my sanity, I am in a very intense stretch of long work days. For two to three months I expect to work 70 hours per week. Perhaps the strain of my job is adding to my feeling of despair.
Today was just a bit better than the previous six...


Day 211: Decompressing My Doctor Visit and T Session

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 09 July 2014 · 301 views

July 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 139 Days:
I have essentially three chapters of writing tonight: (1) Today's T session; (2) The Doctor Appointment; and, (3) The Well.
A therapy session and an unplanned doctor visit in the same day . . . it was intense . But it was good. Not to say I didn't experience fear, sorrow, and pain. However, the fear...


Day 210: Unexpected Call from Doctor (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 08 July 2014 · 240 views

July 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 138 Days:
It was a big, big day today. First of all, I am starting to open up to another friend (someone from work). She's also a health care provider, I don't know yet how to nickname her. She is feisty, hard working, organized, and compassionate. She's a nurse. We have been warming up to one another for...


Day 209: Do I Really Have to Go to the Doctor? (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 07 July 2014 · 204 views

July 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 137 Days:
My anxiety started creeping up today. I had blood drawn last week, with results due two weeks from the draw. Once the doctor reviews the results an appointment will be scheduled, if needed. If the tests come back within the normal ranges then no appointment needed. On this issue I am of two minds. First, i...


Day 142: Letter to DDF

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 01 May 2014 · 287 views

May 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 71 Days:
Or should I too call you Angel? You laughed today at my telling you we have referred to you here as an angel. I imagine it might have been a little embarrassing to receive such a big compliment. But, you really are exceptional. You have an amazing gift you share with easy generosity. I ha...


Day 141: Quaking and Hesitant but Somehow Resolute

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 30 April 2014 · 265 views

Apr. 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 70 Days:
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).


Day 140: I Asked Her to Hold Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 29 April 2014 · 281 views

Apr. 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 69 Days:
I had an appointment today for more touch desensitization. The last time my friend touched me I had an anxiety attack, including myoclonic jolts that lasted for something like 20 minutes. Today before we headed for the exam room (we used an exam room because it would help me desensitize for...


Day 139: Feeling Scared Again, Plan for Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 28 April 2014 · 204 views

Apr. 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 68 Days:
Tomorrow I have an appointment for more touch. My T encouraged me, and Jiva has encourage me too, to talk to my friend about my needs and my fears. I feel the need to share this publicly as my fear level is pretty high again. This exercise will help me name and challenge my fears. The blue t...


Day 135: Successful ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 24 April 2014 · 263 views

Apr. 24, 2014 Countdown: 3 hours after ObGyn Appointment (64 Days Into Becoming):
Wow, I feel great! The appointment went really well and I learned some incredibly helpful things. She gave me amazing, empowering information I have needed for such a long time! I have a weird form of thyroid disease and she was able to identify a possible e...


Day 134: T and ObGyn Tomorrow **TW** and Mom Stuff (very triggery)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 23 April 2014 · 591 views

Apr. 23, 2014 Countdown: 18 hours to ObGyn Appointment (63 Days Into Becoming):
I didn't think I would go to work today when I posted last night, but I was well enough today. Last night I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach. But, I had lots of comforting support here in Pandy's and I even reached out by phone to my doctor friend. As...


Day 133: I Let a Doctor Hurt Me Today **TW**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work, Touch 22 April 2014 · 260 views

Apr. 22, 2014 Countdown: 2 days to ObGyn Appointment (62 Days Into Becoming):
It is clear that I still have a lot of ground to go with regard to how I deal with doctors. Today another one of my colleagues asked me about my wrist. I responded the same way I usually do and changed the subject. I tried to get her talking about herself. But, somet...


Day 132: ObGyn Visit Plan

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 21 April 2014 · 206 views

Apr. 21, 2014 Countdown: 3 days to ObGyn Appointment (61 Days Into Becoming):
I will recognize that I'm feeling anxiety now, even though I haven't been willing to pay attention to it. I have a headache and I didn't sleep well the last few nights. My shoulders hurt, and I have felt very aggressive at work.
I will ask my T to call the ObGyn again to...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

July 2015

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