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Intrepid She


New Rules

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 07 March 2016 · 222 views

Mar. 7, 2016
Treatment tonight. I think it was quite intense. I feel pretty worn out.
Airmid went through the medical equipment again. This time when she debriefed it with me I didn't phase out or feel sick to my stomach. I felt just a little uncomfortable at the word, "speculum." I felt especially sleepy when coming out of the session tonig...


Little One's Day

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 10 February 2016 · 155 views

Feb. 10, 2016
Another list of topics is needed. I'll write about what feels most pressing and see how far I get.
My job. Backed into announcing something
My mother's voice
Today's appointment with my physician
Last night's triggering
Little Intrepid's name
Little Intrepid's Name
Airmid and I have taken to referring to Little Intrepid as Li...


Meandering in the Neighborhood of Hope

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 18 October 2015 · 221 views

December 19, 2015
It's been months now since I last posted. The ultrasound was cancelled. The doctor ran a blood test instead to find out what foods I am allergic to that could be causing constant inflammation. I get the results Monday.
I feel . . . . http://www.pandys.or...default/huh.png  http://www....


Pelvic Ultrasound - Exasperation and Disgust

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 04 October 2015 · 372 views

The other day I posted an entry with a plan for my scheduled ultrasound on Monday (tomorrow). I was feeling dread, which manifested as a migraine, nausea, and (this one is a little gross) diarrhea . This particular procedure, a pelvic ultrasound, is at the top of my list of agonizing experiences. But, thanks to the coping tools I've learned over the last...


Pelvic Ultrasound - Ambivalence and Dread

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 30 September 2015 · 380 views

Time moves so strangely . . . vaporous. It floats somehow. It moves like clouds, linear in its direction, like it's driven by the wind, but ever changing shape, regrouping, sometimes dissipating and reforming.

In my mind the gynecology appointment was just a couple days ago; and it will be two weeks until my next appointment, the one for the ultrasound....


2nd Gynecology Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology 22 September 2015 · 348 views

Sept. 22, 2015

This morning, after a week of intense anxiety, I finally had my 2nd pelvic exam. It was supposed to be 5 months ago (the first being last February ), but I hadn't been able to work up the courage. I had become resolved to the idea I would never go to the gynecologist again. I couldn't withstand the thought of going alone. I couldn't bring...


What Now!

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology 20 April 2015 · 396 views

My doctor is leaving her practice. What in the world am I going to do now?! I am already overdue by several weeks for my followup. I am already in a tailspin right now with too much stress. I had really strong SI last week because a stranger grabbed me and I humiliated myself in front of colleagues.

Before that even happened I was feeling like I was sta...


Day 267: Ripped Through with Pain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 04 September 2014 · 432 views

Sept. 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 196 Days
I must be a glutton for pain because I have now exposed myself to exquisite agony.

Most importantly, today I told my children about separating from their father. I planned to tell them last night but was side tracked by a severe bout of bladder spasms. I have much to say about that, but it's secondary to...


Day 248-255: Overwhelmed

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 23 August 2014 · 337 views

Aug. 16-23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 176 - 184 Days
I have been and expect to continue working extremely long hours for the next few weeks. Some serious problems have come up at my job that require me to resolve, over and above my normal responsibilities. It's the nature of my position to take the heat or the fall when something goes wrong. I expec...


Day 244: Catheter Appointment and Learning About Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 12 August 2014 · 320 views

Aug. 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 172 Days
It's strange to combine the two topics I have to write about tonight, but they really did follow one another yesterday.
My self-catheterization appointment was the last appointment of the day at my ObGyn's office. I asked for the last appointment in case I had a bad reaction. AF went with me, as planned,...


Day 241 and 242: More Health Difficulties

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 09 August 2014 · 280 views

Aug. 8 and 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 169-170 Days
I nearly had to go to the hospital last night. I'm not positive what happened, but I believe I was having bladder spasms. I was with a friend who is a nurse. She really wanted me to go to the hospital. But, I called my ObGyn and asked if I could just monitor my pain overnight and let her know if i...


Day 236: Experiencing Anxiety from Lack of Information

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 03 August 2014 · 285 views

Aug. 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 164 Days
A week to go until the self-catheterization appointment. I spoke briefly with the ObGyn and asked her what the appointment will involve. The answer wasn't sufficiently detailed for me. It didn't tell me anything more than I know already. I was looking for more of a step-by-step description. Will anyone else touc...


Day 229: 14 Days to Self-catheterization; 1 Day to Shopping

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 27 July 2014 · 399 views

July 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 157 Days
I'm thinking I should give myself a break. I'm thinking this because I have two big triggers to face and I'm looking to back out of one of them. But, I have been avoiding it for weeks and weeks now (shopping). And, I have another important event this week. My job calls for me to meet with guests who are strateg...


Day 228: 15 Days

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 27 July 2014 · 370 views

July 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 156 Days
August 11th is 15 days away. August 11th is when I'll have the self-catheterization appointment. I'm working to see this appointment as going well, to not feel afraid or expect anything bad to happen. In order to get there I think I need to go through the fear exercise because I am feeling intensely afraid of t...


Day 224: Scheduled Self-catheterization Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 22 July 2014 · 247 views

July 22, 2014 Intrepid Age = 152 Days
I feel compelled to note as I continue to feel like I'm fighting for my sanity, I am in a very intense stretch of long work days. For two to three months I expect to work 70 hours per week. Perhaps the strain of my job is adding to my feeling of despair.
Today was just a bit better than the previous six...


Day 211: Decompressing My Doctor Visit and T Session

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 09 July 2014 · 418 views

July 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 139 Days:
I have essentially three chapters of writing tonight: (1) Today's T session; (2) The Doctor Appointment; and, (3) The Well.
A therapy session and an unplanned doctor visit in the same day . . . it was intense . But it was good. Not to say I didn't experience fear, sorrow, and pain. However, the fear...


Day 210: Unexpected Call from Doctor (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 08 July 2014 · 398 views

July 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 138 Days:
It was a big, big day today. First of all, I am starting to open up to another friend (someone from work). She's also a health care provider, I don't know yet how to nickname her. She is feisty, hard working, organized, and compassionate. She's a nurse. We have been warming up to one another for...


Day 209: Do I Really Have to Go to the Doctor? (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 07 July 2014 · 300 views

July 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 137 Days:
My anxiety started creeping up today. I had blood drawn last week, with results due two weeks from the draw. Once the doctor reviews the results an appointment will be scheduled, if needed. If the tests come back within the normal ranges then no appointment needed. On this issue I am of two minds. First, i...


Day 142: Letter to DDF

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 01 May 2014 · 392 views

May 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 71 Days:
Or should I too call you Angel? You laughed today at my telling you we have referred to you here as an angel. I imagine it might have been a little embarrassing to receive such a big compliment. But, you really are exceptional. You have an amazing gift you share with easy generosity. I ha...


Day 141: Quaking and Hesitant but Somehow Resolute

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 30 April 2014 · 364 views

Apr. 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 70 Days:
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

June 2016

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