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Intrepid She



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Day 267: Ripped Through with Pain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 04 September 2014 · 185 views

Sept. 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 196 Days
 
I must be a glutton for pain because I have now exposed myself to exquisite agony.

Most importantly, today I told my children about separating from their father. I planned to tell them last night but was side tracked by a severe bout of bladder spasms. I have much to say about that, but it's secondary to...


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Day 263: Big Step on a Horrible Day

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 31 August 2014 · 134 views

Aug. 31, 2014 Intrepid Age = 192 Days
 
Tonight I informed my H about my plan to separate. It was a brief and civil conversation . . . and he was completely taken aback.
 
I asked him to go to the store, figuring we could talk and neither one of us could walk away. Also, we'd be away from the kids.
 
A recent development made it s...


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Day 256-257: Feeling Anger and Loss

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Healing Work 25 August 2014 · 150 views

Aug. 24-25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 185-186 Days
 
The news from my mom about my step-father's heart surgery really got to me. I had the worst headache of my life the night I got the news (last Thursday) and cried for hours as I tried to fall asleep. It wasn't clear to me why I was crying. I was in agony but I couldn't understand the reason for...


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Day 248-255: Overwhelmed

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 23 August 2014 · 97 views

Aug. 16-23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 176 - 184 Days
 
I have been and expect to continue working extremely long hours for the next few weeks. Some serious problems have come up at my job that require me to resolve, over and above my normal responsibilities. It's the nature of my position to take the heat or the fall when something goes wrong. I expec...


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Day 245: Low Key Day, Even with Shopping Again

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 13 August 2014 · 77 views

Aug. 13, 2014 Intrepid Age = 173 Days
 
I slept really well last night. I even stayed in bed a little late this morning. In fact, I intended to sleep in until 7:30, but my brain woke at 7:00. I wanted to get that last bit of sleep, but my thoughts were noisy like a lawnmower. There was no going back to sleep. I have a very busy brain that wants to ge...


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Day 244: Catheter Appointment and Learning About Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 12 August 2014 · 122 views

Aug. 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 172 Days
 
It's strange to combine the two topics I have to write about tonight, but they really did follow one another yesterday.
 
My self-catheterization appointment was the last appointment of the day at my ObGyn's office. I asked for the last appointment in case I had a bad reaction. AF went with me, as planned,...


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Day 241 and 242: More Health Difficulties

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 09 August 2014 · 134 views

Aug. 8 and 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 169-170 Days
 
I nearly had to go to the hospital last night. I'm not positive what happened, but I believe I was having bladder spasms. I was with a friend who is a nurse. She really wanted me to go to the hospital. But, I called my ObGyn and asked if I could just monitor my pain overnight and let her know if i...


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Day 239 and 240: Heretofore Unspeakable <Severe Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 07 August 2014 · 145 views

Aug. 6 and 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 167-168 Days
 
Please don't read this posting if you might be vulnerable to being triggered. For that reason, the whole thing is behind a spoiler.
 

This might just be the most important posting I have made.
 
Yesterday (August 6th) the dam finally broke. For the last two weeks, or possibly three weeks, I...


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Day 237 & 238: Can't Write; Can't Face This Memory

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 05 August 2014 · 102 views

Aug. 4 & 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 165-166 Days
 
I have a memory I'm processing right now I just can't face writing yet. It's not that it relates to something "worse" than other things that happened to me. But, god, I'm deeply sickened by it. I just can't face saying the words out loud, in so much as writing them here represents that to me.
 ...


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Day 236: Experiencing Anxiety from Lack of Information

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 03 August 2014 · 150 views

Aug. 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 164 Days
 
A week to go until the self-catheterization appointment. I spoke briefly with the ObGyn and asked her what the appointment will involve. The answer wasn't sufficiently detailed for me. It didn't tell me anything more than I know already. I was looking for more of a step-by-step description. Will anyone else touc...


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Day 235: Friendship

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 02 August 2014 · 100 views

Aug. 2, 2014 Intrepid Age = 163 Days
 
I met a new friend months ago and spent time with her for the first time today. We got together for several hours. Over the months I have been sharing my story with her. She has been understanding, supportive, and incredibly helpful. We have some things in common in our histories, so she is able t...


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Day 233 and 234: Work Mayhem and Note to Pandy's Friends

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 August 2014 · 147 views

July 31 - Aug. 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 161-162 Days
 
Half way through the two-month stretch of mayhem at my job and I'm feeling as though I'm half way through a marathon. I'm working insane hours because we are in the thick of backfilling positions that stood vacant for a year or longer. It's a good thing that we've hired the people we need. But, it'...


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Day 232: Pushed Myself Too Hard

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 30 July 2014 · 152 views

July 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 160 Days
 
At my T appointment this morning I read my letter to AF about shopping together day before yesterday. I also had a text from AF this morning asking if I was wearing one of the new outfits, and how I felt in it. She knew I had meetings today, which prompted my original request to go shopping in the first p...


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Day 231: No Posting - Helping a Friend Move

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 30 July 2014 · 108 views

July 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 159 Days
 
No posting today. I helped a friend move after work and didn't get home until midnight.


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Day 230: Facing Dragons (13 days to self-catheterization) <TRIGGER warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 28 July 2014 · 251 views

July 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 158 Days
 
Dear AF:
 
There are so many things I want to say to you and I am so limited in my ability to say them. How does one find the words to thank someone who faced a dragon with them? Shopping today felt like facing a dragon, at least it did before hand.
 
Because of the challenges with which you are...


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Day 229: 14 Days to Self-catheterization; 1 Day to Shopping

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 27 July 2014 · 192 views

July 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 157 Days
 
I'm thinking I should give myself a break. I'm thinking this because I have two big triggers to face and I'm looking to back out of one of them. But, I have been avoiding it for weeks and weeks now (shopping). And, I have another important event this week. My job calls for me to meet with guests who are strateg...


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Day 228: 15 Days

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 27 July 2014 · 199 views

July 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 156 Days
 
August 11th is 15 days away. August 11th is when I'll have the self-catheterization appointment. I'm working to see this appointment as going well, to not feel afraid or expect anything bad to happen. In order to get there I think I need to go through the fear exercise because I am feeling intensely afraid of t...


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Day 227: No Posting

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 July 2014 · 84 views

July 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 155 Days
 
I actually wrote today my posting for yesterday. It was a big day. I think there might have been a big breakthrough.


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Day 226: Do You Want to Breathe? <Major Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 25 July 2014 · 193 views

July 24, 2014 Intrepid Age = 154 Days
 
I am posting this on July 25th. I didn't post yesterday because I had a pretty big break down at work and left early. I have never been so overcome by emotion that I couldn't shut it down. It was how I imagine one might react to the news of a loved one's death.
 
I was working with AF, both of us strugglin...


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Day 225: Temptation Backward

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 23 July 2014 · 162 views

July 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 153 Days
 
Each day for the last week or so I have receded a little further into my old self. I have a temptation that is a bit of a struggle. I'm hoping it won't be. It might not prove to actually even be a temptation. But, if it goes from an invitation to an actual temptation I feel confident I'll avoid my old beha...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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