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The Wonderland Years


sleep, again. [mentions drinking]

Posted by lilyvanilla , 09 April 2016 · 23 views

so. today after drinking i went to sleep at 4:30 a.m. which hasn't happened in at least 2 wks. and woke up at 12. so i got..........um........ 7.5 hrs. of sleep.
that's all.


food is too much.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 30 views

that's why i can't eat. er i don't want to rather. [i have been btw]. is cause food is too much eating is too much. it's been almost 2 wks. since i last went to the store but i'm going next tues. as that's when i get my food money on that date.
um so today i had:
2 cookies
shells w/ cheese
oh and cheerios
yesterday i had:


but i can't go back to who i was yesterday bc i was a different person then.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 25 views

a member on this site has that as part of their signature thingy. it's from 'alice'. and ya know i was thinking about it recently. who was i before i was raped? er raped the first time i mean. this isn't the first time i've run across that question. well i was 16 and actually cared.like deeply cared about people. i was..........i, actually was in boarding...


maybe it was safer not to tell.and maybe it still is.but damnit.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 35 views

yeah so as put. ya know [as i've gone over twice now] i don't talk about it. i didn't tell, right when it happened.er after.the the rapes. i mean after they happened i didn't............yeah. and since i don't have any evidence there wouldn't be any point to telling other than you know, to tell. and make it official and have people know.
and a part...


sleep, at 9:40 a.m.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 21 views

actually no i'm not asleep i've been awake for 3 hrs. after only sleeping for 5. wait no......um fuuuuuuu..........i went to sleep at like 9:40 last night then woke up at 2:10 this morning so that's um............well almost 5 hrs. + ok so almost 10 hrs.
ok so i got 10 hrs. sleep last night into this morning.
i got..............10 hrs. wed....


so it went from a 10 to a 7 on wed.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 20 views

the ptsd thing. 
so i went to my mom's wed. instead of thurs. yesterday. usually i go thurs. - fri. but they're out of town today being fri. so.........yeah.
and shit got real wed. i was sitting in my park thinking about stuff and yeah.it got real.more real then it's been in awhile.
and yesterday it went back to an 8.i think....


but this is normal! well it's my normal.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 18 views

yeah so like i put. well the other day i posted an entry here stating i just want to be normal. and i didn't say anything more cause uh.well i couldn't think that well at the time.but anyway.
ya know i just want to be normal.like i just want to be recovered [please don't use the other word the 'h-e-*-l-i-ng' word. i don't like that and also it make...


she asked and.i couldn't tell her.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 05 April 2016 · 22 views

yeah so yesterday my mentor i were at target sitting in their pizza hut area. and she asks what's on my mind and i couldn't.tell her about the ptsd.thingy. also since she was the one whole told me that clint had told her............w/o telling me first. well if i tell her i don't know who she'll tell so. not like i trust most people that much but. like i'...


so today i/today was a little better.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 04 April 2016 · 16 views

right so today i.well i woke up at 2 a.m. after sleeping for um.well i slept from like 7 p.m. to 2 a.m. so that's........uh................7 hrs.
so my friend called and we talked and it was good.
between 7:40 and 9 a.m. i put my laundry away.
i went back to sleep at 10 woke up at 11 went back to sleep finally woke up again at 12.some...


i just want to be normal/frustrated/just starting out.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 04 April 2016 · 27 views

so right. i just want to be normal. i um. ................. wow i'm tired. i'm frustrated that i can't function like a normal er i mean. that i can't fully function right now. which there's nothing wrong w/ it's just frustrating that it's not currently happening. like i don't do everything i'm supposed to bc.that's not the most important thing right now h...

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