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The Wonderland Years



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sleep, again. [mentions drinking]

Posted by lilyvanilla , 09 April 2016 · 23 views

so. today after drinking i went to sleep at 4:30 a.m. which hasn't happened in at least 2 wks. and woke up at 12. so i got..........um........ 7.5 hrs. of sleep.
 
that's all.


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food is too much.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 30 views

that's why i can't eat. er i don't want to rather. [i have been btw]. is cause food is too much eating is too much. it's been almost 2 wks. since i last went to the store but i'm going next tues. as that's when i get my food money on that date.
 
um so today i had:
2 cookies
shells w/ cheese
brocolli
oh and cheerios
 
yesterday i had:
um...........


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but i can't go back to who i was yesterday bc i was a different person then.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 25 views

a member on this site has that as part of their signature thingy. it's from 'alice'. and ya know i was thinking about it recently. who was i before i was raped? er raped the first time i mean. this isn't the first time i've run across that question. well i was 16 and actually cared.like deeply cared about people. i was..........i, actually was in boarding...


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maybe it was safer not to tell.and maybe it still is.but damnit.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 35 views

yeah so as put. ya know [as i've gone over twice now] i don't talk about it. i didn't tell, right when it happened.er after.the the rapes. i mean after they happened i didn't............yeah. and since i don't have any evidence there wouldn't be any point to telling other than you know, to tell. and make it official and have people know.
 
and a part...


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sleep, at 9:40 a.m.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 21 views

actually no i'm not asleep i've been awake for 3 hrs. after only sleeping for 5. wait no......um fuuuuuuu..........i went to sleep at like 9:40 last night then woke up at 2:10 this morning so that's um............well almost 5 hrs. + ok so almost 10 hrs.
 
ok so i got 10 hrs. sleep last night into this morning.
 
i got..............10 hrs. wed....


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so it went from a 10 to a 7 on wed.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 20 views

the ptsd thing. 
 
so i went to my mom's wed. instead of thurs. yesterday. usually i go thurs. - fri. but they're out of town today being fri. so.........yeah.
 
and shit got real wed. i was sitting in my park thinking about stuff and yeah.it got real.more real then it's been in awhile.
 
and yesterday it went back to an 8.i think....


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but this is normal! well it's my normal.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 08 April 2016 · 18 views

yeah so like i put. well the other day i posted an entry here stating i just want to be normal. and i didn't say anything more cause uh.well i couldn't think that well at the time.but anyway.
 
ya know i just want to be normal.like i just want to be recovered [please don't use the other word the 'h-e-*-l-i-ng' word. i don't like that and also it make...


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she asked and.i couldn't tell her.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 05 April 2016 · 22 views

yeah so yesterday my mentor i were at target sitting in their pizza hut area. and she asks what's on my mind and i couldn't.tell her about the ptsd.thingy. also since she was the one whole told me that clint had told her............w/o telling me first. well if i tell her i don't know who she'll tell so. not like i trust most people that much but. like i'...


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so today i/today was a little better.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 04 April 2016 · 16 views

right so today i.well i woke up at 2 a.m. after sleeping for um.well i slept from like 7 p.m. to 2 a.m. so that's........uh................7 hrs.
 
so my friend called and we talked and it was good.
 
between 7:40 and 9 a.m. i put my laundry away.
 
i went back to sleep at 10 woke up at 11 went back to sleep finally woke up again at 12.some...


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i just want to be normal/frustrated/just starting out.

Posted by lilyvanilla , 04 April 2016 · 27 views

so right. i just want to be normal. i um. ................. wow i'm tired. i'm frustrated that i can't function like a normal er i mean. that i can't fully function right now. which there's nothing wrong w/ it's just frustrating that it's not currently happening. like i don't do everything i'm supposed to bc.that's not the most important thing right now h...






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