As long as those things are lost I feel like I am not a whole - so this is a way for my to get my story togehter - putting it as a whole to become "whole" myself again.
It is important to write here - that some things I am writing will be quite triggering - please take care while reading!
April 7, 2013
when the journey beginns.
It is not the first time I am dealing with my story - I know it for such a long time - but what I did so far was always pushing it away. Putting it in a drawer, because it just bothered me too much.
It was in this year - on February 14, the so called V-day. It is the day where there was an awareness rising programm - "I am rising" - let us rise and put out the words to stop sexualized violence.
I was part in a campaign withing the town I lived - this is when memories came up - when I started to have sleepless nights - when it started to become present - as a part of myself.
I started thinking about the sexual abuse that happened during childhood and during my early teenager years. It was awful for me to start thinking about it - the more I started thinking about it the more memories came up - it was clear for me that there was not just one perpetrator - all the stories (maybe yet not all) came up and it disrupted my life a bit - because I was in between anger and shame.
Shame that it happened and anger that it happened. I felt like not wanting to deal with it - still feel like that.
I am unable to call "it" by names - I still refuse to write it in a book - I do not want to write it with a pen or pencil. Seems like writting it on a computer feels for distance - like writting a story of someone else - even though I know it is my own story - it is my own challenge - it is my own courage - ... it is me - I am writing about.