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reflecting

Posted by bluebird88 , 13 February 2013 · 143 views

for six months after i had been sexually assaulted- i did not tell my family what happened. i didn't want to. part of me was screaming to let it out- but part of me also wanted to deny that it had even happened at all.
my body itself could not deny that i had been assaulted. i started to experience racing thoughts, extreme anxiety, a constant heavy fe...


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self acceptance

Posted by bluebird88 , 10 February 2013 · 175 views

it's going to be ok. the way i feel is fine right now. i feel depressed. ok. i don't feel like leaving the house. ok.
i get intimidated by the idea of talking to other girls at my college classes. that is justifiable- seeing as how i have gone through so much bullshit and so much betrayal with girls in the past.
that is ok.
it will take time for m...


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i'm capable of...

Posted by bluebird88 , 10 February 2013 · 135 views

about an hour ago my heart was racing.
i think i was on the verge of having a panic attack.
my mom was laying on the couch across from me. i don't think she was aware of how i was feeling. i was simply laying there, my eyes were closed, and she was talking to me. she knew i was awake. i just wanted to go to my room. i didn't want to be rude though...


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my little sister is here.

Posted by bluebird88 , 09 February 2013 · 127 views

my little sister is over right now.
she's dating the cousin of my rapist.
at my last therapy session my therapist asked if i can ever forgive my sister for this. i had to think about it. it boiled down to (and this how i responded): i don't care about my sister's relationship with the guy. i care more about my relationship with my sister.
hear...


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verbal abuser

Posted by bluebird88 , 08 February 2013 · 126 views

i think my feelings of low self-esteem and low self-worth stem back to a time before i was sexually assaulted.

i graduated from a performing arts school that had just opened the school year 06-07. the decision to leave my regular high school with all of my old friends and my regular school activities was difficult, but i was really interested in the wri...


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letters i won't send.

Posted by bluebird88 , 06 February 2013 · 86 views

-TRIGGER WARNING-
i have written letters to 3 people in my life. i just need to get this stuff out. this is for closure, i guess.
they're extremely personal so please be warned that they may cause triggers.

--------------------------------------------------
dear T******
i hope you found pleasure in violating me because i am still not over it. you...


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can't stand this.

Posted by bluebird88 , 06 February 2013 · 171 views

i hate the way my life turned out. there's no fuckin hope for me i'm never going to get better and i'm just a goddamn loser. if this is a dream, please wake me up. if all of this is real, i'd rather be asleep.


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can't even read my goddamn text books

Posted by bluebird88 , 01 February 2013 · 283 views

i feel so stressed out all the time that my head hurts. my head is fucking sore thinking about all of this but i can't stop thinking about all of it and sleeping is the only way out. i slept all day today, woke up and took a shower. my head hurts again and i'm fucking sick of the way i feel i hate it!!!
why did i think that i'm wel...


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sleep.

Posted by bluebird88 , 27 January 2013 · 111 views

i'd rather sleep all day than deal with what i'm dealing with right now. it's easier to be asleep than have to feel this way.


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nobody gives a shit about this anyways.

Posted by bluebird88 , 27 January 2013 · 138 views

i'm so angry i could cry but what the hell will crying do that won't change a goddamn thing i fucking hate my life.






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