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paintinblue2013's Blog



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Ups and Downs

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 19 September 2014 · 48 views

I am into week three of my break up with my boyfriend. Things in life seem to have disalined between us and no longer are we facing the world together. It seems like its time for our own separate journeys to take place. Even though our paths crossed and things have been bad the last few weeks I feel okay. Surprisingly enough I feel okay.  Its been up...


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The book

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 22 August 2014 · 35 views

I started reading a book call "Carry on Warrior" The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I recommend it to anyone who has a hard to embracing and loving themselves! I realized after reading this book that I was created the way I am for a reason. Just like all of you have been. That even though all these bad things happe...


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Acceptence

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 11 August 2014 · 40 views

I think acceptance about being hurt is a hard thing to try and cope with. If I could just accept what has happened than I would not be so angry in what I feel I loss. I've been listening to a lot positive affirmations. These are helpful for me even though it took a few weeks. I do feel better after listening to them and recommend it to anyone with negativ...


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Rambles of Thoughts

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 13 June 2014 · 59 views

Today is 06/13/2014. I am once again jobless. And feeling down, though not hopeless. I just want so much more out of life. I thought I would be successful and I don’t know if having money is what I want but in so many ways would make my life a lot easier. I just want to pay off my school loans, and now Im starting to think that maybe I should just g...


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Trying to Stay Hopeful

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 11 June 2014 · 63 views

Im having a hard day. Actually the last couple of days have been really hard emotionally. Im starting to feel depressed all over again. Its just the whole job thing that is getting to me. I keep thinking about how I have been fired from three jobs in the last year and half and it just feels so shitty. Even thought I honestly do not believe that it had any...


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Over coming the Depression

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 29 May 2014 · 85 views

I started falling into a depression at 14. I was clinically diagnosed. Though I never really understood what this was or meant. To me it just seemed normal. It was life and sometimes life gave you reasons to be sad. As I grew up I found moments of happiness though I was never truly happy. When I was 19 after the last rape and the last time I chose to make...


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Finding Forgiveness

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 29 May 2014 · 47 views

Hello Fellow Readers,
 
I hope today has brought something good, even if small I hope gratitude is there. My parents were in town this past week for my cousins wedding. I went to my brothers last night and we had dinner and even played a board game together. It was so nice, as we laughed and joked around and had a good evening. I think this is what w...


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Thank you!

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 23 May 2014 · 47 views

Thank you to everyone that has reached out! I know we each have our journey to find peace of mind, I hope you all do at some point and time in your life when you find it! I think to say forget is a joke, as I for one will never forget or be able to forget what happened to me. But one day I will be past this. I often think the hardest part has past, as now...


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Grand Jury

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 May 2014 · 63 views

I testified in grand jury and he has been officially convicted as least for the charges. This is the case against my uncle. This has brought me some peace but my family still questions the accusations. They still do not believe me because I went through a mental break down and because of the memories I shared while my brain was flooding... I get so upset...


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Pedophile Counseling

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 10 February 2014 · 97 views

I am kind of upset today. I seem to go on and off every day. I get upset of and off because sometimes my brains hurt. I feel like not only was my childhood stolen and had it effected my natural development but I am saddened by what I loss what could have been. People are often really hard on me because of my intelligence. I often wonder where I would be h...


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Im so Angry

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 20 December 2013 · 121 views

Ever since the DA had me come in at the beginning of this past October I am so angry.. I have never been this angry about anything before. They told be that it was going to go public that they would be arresting him and its almost Jan and the case has not moved. I hate the American Justice system. I feel like it is such a joke and not only that...


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Addiction

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 27 November 2013 · 127 views

Though the addiction has become real to me. In realizing that I began using just to use not even suppress anything. Not anymore, it has just been my excuse to get high. I do not want to be an addict any more. and with this I have realized that the only that I would really begin to heal and move forward with my life is giving up the one thing that I though...


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They Covered it Up

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 15 November 2013 · 207 views

One thing that has become really real to me these last few weeks is my addiction to pot. I started smoking weed when I was 16 as a way to deal. It was my crutch as it help me not spiral down the bulimia path which was my other method in means of coping. Coping with my family abuse and dysfunction and the sexual abuse.
 
My sister and I get into arg...


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Jumbled

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 05 November 2013 · 111 views

I have been in a relationship since April. I love this man, and I really believe he loves me but sometimes I think I overwhelm him. I get compulsive, to the point I had to shut off my texting on my phone so that I would stop. I so clingy and I know I overwhelm him. Though hes still here. I often try so hard to push him away...and lately I feel so jumbled...


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Another Victim

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 22 October 2013 · 136 views

So after 2 years after going to the police regarding the sexual abuse that had happened to me between the ages of 4-8, after all the disbelieve, after being called a liar and crazy....after all the hell of what had been the last four years in confronting my family, trying to find help...the years of counseling and even telling counselors none in which eve...


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Gain Back My Sanity

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 26 June 2013 · 95 views

Its weird sometimes when I think about the place I was in last year to now. Where I was within my own obsession in trying to find closure. In my own denial in trying to convince myself that someone who rapes you is capable of loving you. I think about how I made up this relationship in my head, how I convinced myself that if I could get him to love me tha...


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ITs Been A While

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 30 May 2013 · 97 views

Hello Fellow Survivors,

Its been a while since i have been on here. I go through days that are harder than others. I still often feel like I'm not safe especially from the system that supposedly holds people accountable for their actions. My family is all a liar. I am constantly catching them in there own web of bs and I find it more and more disgus...


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The Comparsion....

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 02 March 2013 · 98 views

Something that always gets to me. Whenever I've talked about what has happened to me, and I know the statement is true, when they say what has happened to me wasn't as bad as someone else. It gets to me. I know it wasn't the same, I know there have been people who went through worse, but how does that change anything about my own convictions o...


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My Dad

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 02 March 2013 · 95 views

When I said before that I was never beat, I meant by the people who sexually abused me, as far as discipline goes I was beat often by grandparents, and my father, my mother too, but as soon as I got older I began hitting back which again just was all my fault at least with my mother I did. Not with the others cus there strength did out power mine and I wo...


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Trying Really Hard...

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 02 March 2013 · 74 views

I'm trying really hard to stay hopeful. I got myself resigned up for classes, Im only 7 credits shorts of my AA, though you think this would make me happy, but it doesn't... AFTER $10,000 of loans, I still can't get a job. I am so sick of worrying about my life, about how to support myself. I know I should be thankful in a lot of ways, I...






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