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My stepfather's stories

Posted by thisisjay , 14 October 2012 · 96 views

Sometimes I feel really stupid when I look back and think of all the things my stepfather said to me that I believed. I know that I was a child. I understand that children naturally believe authority figures. But sometimes I just can't help feeling stupid.

My stepfather liked to tell me stories that would scare me. Not even when he was abusing me but...


I didn't recognize myself today

Posted by thisisjay , 06 October 2012 · 87 views

I wasn't planning on spending any time on Pandy's this weekend. I have two big papers to write before Wednesday, but I had an unexpected moment and I felt like I needed to be here.

I went shopping today. Old Navy is having a sale on coats today. They're only $15. I decided to buy one. I haven't had a coat in years. The only coats I...


Being Poor

Posted by thisisjay , 20 September 2012 · 62 views

John Scazi wrote this essay that was linked to a Cnn article today. The essay is called "Being Poor." I found it on their website tonight. I just wanted to share it with you guys. It's really good and brought up quite a few memories.


P.S. It's not very long.


Avoiding the Past

Posted by thisisjay , 30 August 2012 · 74 views

I've been kind of avoiding Pandy's lately. I just really haven't felt like being here. I've been checking in sparadically and not staying on the site very long. Lately when I've come here I've just read a couple non-intense posts, maybe responded to some status updates, and then quickly left the site. I think that I'm trying to...


My Friend's Dating An Abuser

Posted by thisisjay , 16 August 2012 · 82 views

My best friend was just here and I use that term loosely. We were close once, but not so much anymore. It's like that with all of my friends. I avoid seeing them because I feel so uncomfortable and ashamed around them. They all talk about how great their lives are and then ask me about mine but I never have anything to say. They all have other friends...


Confronting my abuser

Posted by thisisjay , 01 August 2012 · 68 views

Last year I found out my stepfather died. We were contacted by an insurance company because apparently my mother was still the person he listed. Turned out he died late December 2010. When I found out he was dead I was so relieved. I couldn't believe it, not until I was holding his death certificate in my hands. When we got it in the mail, I knew what...


Because it is bitter, And because it is my heart.

Posted by thisisjay , 07 July 2012 · 46 views

I've been thinking about the poem In the Desert by Stephen Crane. I really love this poem. It's one of my favorites. I guess because I relate to it. I just thought I would share it for those who don't know it.

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, beastial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said:...



Posted by thisisjay , 26 June 2012 · 45 views

Why is it that so many of us seem to be insomniacs? I've noticed, and not for the first time, that many of the people on this site post in the early hours of the morning. I couldn't stop crying around 1 am last night. Most of my bad moment come early/late at night. It seems it's that way for a lot of people. Why is that? Is it because that...

Trigger Warning

I am not censoring anything I say in this blog so please be careful when you read it.

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