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Love DOESN'T conquer all

Posted by Irishleo , 22 May 2012 · 96 views

Today my soon to be ex-husband told me that he will not pay me any child support. I know I have the option to go through the courts but I'm scared that if I do that then he will try to take custody of our daughter like he's threatened to. I have so little money, I don't know how I'm even going to afford to start the divorce proceedings. I have enough money to take care of my daughter and give her what she needs, but since I've now moved I have to find a new job and somehow get a car. What kind of man refuses to support his child? I mean, if he didn't want to give me cash he could always just buy her things she needs instead (like clothes, etc) But he is taking his anger at me out on her as well, and that's wrong.

It only took one week since I left him for his sadness to turn to hatred. It's crazy how two people who were once so in love can become what we have become. But maybe what I thought was love wasn't, I don't know anymore. I just want to be free of him, and he just wants to control me. He kept me literally like a prisoner throughout our whole marriage, like a slave to serve him and his family. He told me to my face that his "family" (which means his parents and siblings) would always come first to him, before me and our child. I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him, he gave up nothing. I used to think that love conquers all, but I don't think that anymore. I was a naive dreamer.

I can't believe I've put up with the stuff I have. Just to give an idea of what I went through, here is but a little: the first few months I lived with him, (after I moved to a foreign country to be with him)I was forbidden from standing near the front door or any windows in case someone saw me because we weren't legally married yet. (he's from a different culture)I was made to dress the way HE chose,and I could only associate with HIS friends and family. I was isolated from everyone and everything I'd ever loved. In time, I began to believe him that he was the only one that really loved me. If I ever talked about visitin gmy fmaily he would fly into rages.

After we got married and had out daughter, things only got worse. He got more controlling and aggressive. I had to cook and clean and stay in the house, do 100% of the child care, and nothing I ever did was good enough. I have lived a life of isolation and loneliness for so many years now, that I began to believe that's all I'd ever know.

I tried for eight years to live the way HE wanted. But I won't do it anymore. I deserve to have a life too. A few months ago I started to see that he had violent tendancies with out daughter, and that his aggression wwas shifting from me to her as well, and that was when I knew I had to end the marriage. If I'd stayed he would have tried to mold and control my daughter the same way he always has tried with me and I won't let that happen to her. She's going to grow up in a safe place where she's loved, and where she's put first, not last.

I believe that much of this can be traced back to my childhood abuse, at least to some extent. If I hadn't been so neglected and abused, I wouldn't have been so desperate to find love. I would have been able to find enough love and respect for myself, that I would have been able to see my own value and not sought it out in other people. But I can't change the past. I can, however, change my future. My daughter's future. And I must. I truly believe in my heart that divorcing my husband will be one of the smartest things I've ever done. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to hurt anyone, but I can't go on like this. To anyone reading this, thanks for hanging in so long, I just had so much I had to vent today.

Hang in there. Low on words today but am listening.
You are so very brave to leave your abusive husband. He sounds scary and self absorbed.

I raised my children alone with little to none child support. It seemed the only time I would get any was when they actually arrested him for not paying. It is so hard to go it alone but it is far better than living with a controling abusive person. There are lots of places to look for help on your journey of recovery and onward to a better life for you and your daughter. It takes lots of inner strength and I know you have plenty of that.

When the love we recieved and observed growing up that was a lie and abusive we are not equipped to recognize real healthy love. We often as survivors attract what we are trying to get away from. The abusers know and see are past in our words and body language then pursue on their best behavoir and suck us right in then turn on us once they think they are in control.

I am listening. I am sorry you have to go through all this. You have much to look forward to without your husband and plenty of room to be loved by people who don't want to hurt you or control you.

Blessings as always :hug: :hug: :hug:

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