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Back from the Care Center

25 November 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
I feel like I've been away from Pandy's so much longer than I have. So much has changed!

Through a combination of my own insisting and a safety plan with my Advocate I voluntarily admitted myself to the Psychiatric Care Center at the hospital. I felt so out of control with everything that was going on. I couldn't think properly,...
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I HATE YOU .... *t language*

09 November 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
I HATE YOU!

Why?
Why ME?
What the fuck did I DO?!

I was a child.

You take the hurt.
You deal with this!

It's not MINE it's
YOURS!

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The Belt... *t*

08 November 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
The first time I remember I was 4.

:trigger: :trigger:

These are the rules.
Pull your pants down.
Bend over the bed.
Keep your arms in front of you.
Get beaten with the leather belt.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! Daddy I didn't mean to I'm sorry!! NO! No daddy, no please, I...
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Hiding

02 November 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
SHHH… Be quiet.

Don't make a single sound.
Control your breathing so they can't hear that either.
Become part of the furniture.
Be a shadow.
Cover your body.
Hide perfectly, I know you can.
Become part of the ditch.
Avoid headlights.
Hide in the trees.
Silent steps, be a ghost.
Heartbeat thudding… quiet that too.
They're...
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Is it ok to be this numb?

29 October 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
So, I'm really struggling right now with how I "should" feel. I use that term very loosly, I know there's no particular way I should feel other than my own way. But still, I feel like I'm leaving parts of me behind. Like I'm leaving myself in the dust.

I feel very good about the fact that I have been able to actively...
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Stupid coworker...

20 October 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
Sorry I just really need to vent this out...

Last night at work I was told that my supervisor was looking for me. Ok, so I went that direction. Right before I got to her, my coworker came up and said "There you are!". Mind you, we're right in front of customers.

Her:"I want my sunglasses back." :confused:
Me:"I...
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Why do they love me?

14 October 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
I know none of what I'm going to write here is going to make much sense, considering my most recent post was generally positive. I'm in a bad place today. Right now I'm left wondering why do the few people that love me, love me?

How am I lovable? What have I done that was extraordinary to the point that qualified me to be loved? I...
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Love vs. Hate

13 October 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
I hate...

The nightmares, the flashbacks, feeling vulnerable and exposed, being triggered, being outcast by my family, feeling invisible, knowing I can't escape the memories, knowing more memories will come, accepting that I'll never be normal, feeling trapped in my own life.

I hate all of it.



I love...

My amazing boyfriend, knowing...
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YOU failed.

08 October 2011
Posted by JacquiLeigh  
I can't think of a time when I was ok. I have ALWAYS thought I was ok. Now looking back, even in this moment... I have NEVER been ok. You have no idea how hard that is to admit to myself. Or maybe you do. After all, we're all sort of in this together. Right?

But this isn't me. I wasn't supposed to be messed up. I was supposed to...
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Posted by JacquiLeigh  
I lost my childhood. I never had a choice. It was taken from me.

As far as I know it started when I was about 9 months old. The sick part is that the only family video I have has the first glimpses of it. Him getting aroused watching me play.

He tried hard to hide it from the camera, that I know. But what I also know is what my mom told me what...
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