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Posted by chelirach , 06 August 2014 · 64 views

I haven't been on here in forever. I haven't had the motivation or need or words to really write. That just a want where I am. But somehow I feel drawn back here, missing those I was connected too and feeling the connections still there. I feel so deep in the process so unable to describe or talk about it. It feels like a never ending web I am trying to f...



Posted by chelirach , 23 January 2014 · 123 views

It has been over a year since I have written here. I have tried a few times but nothing has come out. I am finding it harder and harder to verbalize things, which I think means I am getting deeper and deeper. I to places that are more non verbal

A lot lately has focused in how I turn my aggression and hatred inward. How self destructive I seem to become....



Posted by chelirach , 17 January 2013 · 141 views

I feel incapable and useless at the moment, frustrated with myself. I waste hours of time when I have tons of things to do but I cannot seem to get things done. It is lie I am paralyzed and time flies by and I am not even certain where it goes.

There is so much I want to get out, but I can't, the thoughts in my head will not form into words that I c...


Not sure what to call this

Posted by chelirach , 05 December 2012 · 187 views

It has been awhile since I posted here. I cannot remember the last time. I have been here occasionally, lurking, but I cannot bring myself to reply or comment or post anything. I am not entirely sure why. So I apologize. It feels a little weird to come back here asking for support, or people to read this, when I have not been there for others at all

A lo...



Posted by chelirach , 13 June 2012 · 136 views

Here is what I wrote yesterday and today. I decided to type it all out then handwrite it. I don't think I am ready for handwriting yet. Of course I took out anything identifying

TW I suppose

I met him when I was 6. He was my dad's girlfriend at the times brother. My future step uncle. . I liked him immediately. He was nice, he was friendly, he...


Little Pieces

Posted by chelirach , 12 June 2012 · 126 views

I am in a strange place that I cannot really define. I feel stuck in the middle of something uncertain of how to move forward or what to do. I make starts and come up blank. It is bizarre I have been oddly motivated and productive lately in certain areas of my life. But I don't feel like I have, I don't feel good about it. If anything I feel negat...


Joyful Child

Posted by chelirach , 06 June 2012 · 117 views

Recently I was told by someone that when I am in a certain place I do not have to be a joyful child. Sorry for the vagueness there, just trying to say something without revealing to much.

My mother constantly tells me that I was the child she was supposed to enjoy. I suppose she did not enjoy my sister either. But she was supposed to enjoy me, and then...



Posted by chelirach , 05 June 2012 · 76 views

I am trying to write here. Trying to find my voice. Trying to figure out how to say where I am in this process. I do not know why it has been so difficult. It seems when I sit down to write I can't or I get distracted or I do not know what to say.

I feel like I have hit some of the darkest and deepest places in my healing so far. I feel almost as if...



Posted by chelirach , 02 May 2012 · 69 views

I dont want to touch this feeling. I want to deny. I want to not think about it. I want to forget. I want to pretend that I had a happy childhood. I want to pretend that I had parents who loved me and cared about me and protected me. I want to pretend I was a normal little girl who had tea parties and played with dolls. I want to pretend I was a normal te...



Posted by chelirach , 24 March 2012 · 64 views

I feel like nothing is ever going to change, like nothing is ever going to be any different. I feel like it isn't getting any better, like it is never going to get any better. I am tired, emotionally tired, I am tired of being me, I am tired of feeling like a complete freak, a reject, I am tired of how much I hate myself. This isn't going to chang...

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.