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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!

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Seanna likes this
Posted by Seanna  
Why won't he leave me alone? I don't want to live in my memories anymore. I have a right to live my life like a normal person without threat or fear. He won't let that happen. Why must he send me periodic warnings to keep quiet. That's what the vandalism was I believe. A warning to quit talking. Or a warning to never tell....
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Back again....

10 February 2013
Posted by Seanna  
Here I am. Back again. I can't take hte pressure, the stress, the anxiety the Flashbacks or the nightmares. I'm drowning in my own misery right now and there's nobody to help keep my head above water. I feel so very alone iwth this. Hubby tries to be patient with me. but I kow he also feels I should be better able to handle this by...
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I disgust My disguise

21 May 2012
Posted by Seanna  
I'm just feeling so lost and overwhelmed. Nobody sees me.all they see is the person that I allow to be seen. The problem is that i've become such a God actress that nobody knows who I really am.... Including myself. This costume that I put on every qmorning to function like a normal human...has everybody fooled and has confused me...
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Posted by Seanna  
Having a difficult time lately. Tried to just walk away from it all for a while in hopes it would all get re-buried. That doesn't work at all by the way.

I see scott almost every day. His son and my son are in the same Kindergarten class and they are best buddy's. I have to control my emotions, flashbacks, panic every day when I pick...
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Began SI'ing again.

09 January 2012
Posted by Seanna  
I'm a complete failure. I have fallen behind in every single bill of my household over the past few months. Received a forclosure notice on my home, I'm hiding from creditors, I lapsed on my car insurance & stealing mail from my mailbox to snag stuff before my husband finds it.

I've stooped to new lows and it hurts me so badly...
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Posted by Seanna  
I haven't written in a long long time. I thought maybe Pandy's was the reason I was re-gressing. Kind of like purposely living in that time of my life rather than moving on. I took a LOOOOOOng break but it didn't help. I'm back now.

More and more memories are coming back. So many I wanted to remember when I first began, but knew...
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Posted by Seanna  
Updated December 19, 2011. Ok.....No change. I still carry the entire load of guilt for what happened to me. I thought I was supposed to start shifting the blame on them by now. Instead I seem to be accepting more and more and more.

Updated around Thanksgiving So It's been almost 2 months since I wrote this entry... I'm...
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Working with 2 psychologists.

19 September 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Ok. one psychologist was for stress and anxiety, and he also helped me with the SA quite a bit....THEN he suggested I see a woman to see if it would help me with my past.

Well, I've been going to her for 2 months now and I jsut can't open up to her at all.

i don't know why. She's very nice, and she specializes in abuse....Hell,...
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Updated 12/19 SEANNA'S CREED

06 September 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Updated 12/19: We've had a death in the family since I wrote this, and had to come face to face with the witches of the west. They were cordial with me, and I still want nothing to do with them. I read my creed to myself before I went and then again in the car before I walked into the funeral home. They could've said anything to...
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August 14, 2011

15 August 2011
Posted by Seanna  
I'm just not sure how much more of this I can take. The memories and flashbacks won't stop. I started SI'ing again. Severe. Should have medical attention but they would only 302 me. How could I have done this to myself?

I'm at such a loss with myself right now. My real estate classes were a bust. Failed failed failed. how am I...
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Letter to J

27 July 2011
Posted by Seanna  
Dear "J".

Why did you do this to me? Do you realize what you even did? I'm afraid to be alone...yet too afraid to be with people at the same time. I jump, swing and scream at the smallest surprise. I can't go into aa public bathroom stall without my heart racing.

My babies want to swim. I can't take them in the water. THe...
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Posted by Seanna  
so I'm typing this from my journal, so it's going to be kind of long, but I wanted to make sure i got it all before I forgot the key points of the argument. The story isn't triggering except for 1 part, and I did put a Trigger warning right before it. It is regarding a priest just in case anyone just continues to move forward.....and...
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Posted by Seanna  
Finally got out part of what I needed to tell my T. Still unable to put any details together...Just a point list that makes sense to fill in blanks as it goes.

[color="#008080"]Neighbors heard the screams and called the police
Police came and were talking quietly at the door to J while I was tied to the coffee Table.
Police officer...
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Posted by Seanna  
I wrote this letter from the psych ward when I was extremely angry as I didn't understand the process. he and I have spoken and I even gave him this letter so he could see how angry i was with him. We're still going to work together, but at least he knows how I felt about the situation and I know that there were several instances I was...
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Posted by Seanna  
I've put alot of thought into this, and why being 302 into the psych ward actually did more damage to me than benefitted me. The entire stay there was trigger after trigger and nobody would listen to why I couldn't do this or that, nor let me explain I needed to calm down first before....getting in the shower; removing my clothes etc. So...
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Posted by Seanna  
Tuesday afternoon, I went to the ER because I was having chest pains. I just wanted to be checked out, even though I knew pretty much it was just anxiety...but I wanted to be safe.

They ran a stress test on me, an ekg and everything came back fine. The dr. came in expressing he's really worried about me because of my stress level, and asked...
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Posted by Seanna  
Eisa...I like your format so I'm "borrowing" it.

BEFORE:
you know you're going to
You're so wet, I know you want it.
I'm going to make you scream
You have a choice. Kill yourself, or fuck them all.

DURING:
I knew you wanted this...You're nothing but a wet whore
We're not stopping until you come
Talk nasty...
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Posted by Seanna  
and Yes, i'm going to work today. I can't pass up the possibility they may fire me today! I'm on 3 hours sleep and woke up with a panic attack. I accidentally kicked my husband while he was sleeping an he sounded upset with me.

Nightmares about the uniform coming at me. I just can't get over it. Maybe I'll feel better...
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Posted by Seanna   in TRIGGERING, POETRY, MEMORY, FLASH-BACKS, Uncategorized
He's no longer with me, in a physical way.
The memories will stay with me until the end of my days.

Sound of a door locking
means his footsteps are near
heart flutters in panic
paralyzed with fear.

Pour him a drink, as the nightmare begins
Pleading quietly begging forgiveness of sins.
Silently whispering an dpleading to stop
Nobody...
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POETRY: Both of me

08 May 2011
Posted by Seanna  
:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:

I wrote this poem about what was going through my head the whole time it was all happening.

:trigger: :trigger: :trigger: :trigger:


Sitting alone, listening to my own thoughts.
[i][indent]"Why didn't you try, He could've...
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