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For December



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October 26, 2010: Overwhelmed

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 74 views

This makes month seven since the last time I cut myself. I feel like I've only lasted this long because I'm doing it for others and not myself.

Yesterday was close, I just couldn't calm down.

So much is going on. It's too hard to handle. The main problems:
+car tried to kill me on the freeway. Now it's sitting in the mechanics. I...


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October 18, 2010: Health

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 66 views

I didn't have all these f*cking health problems until he f+cked me....my hips got bigger too.


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October 18, 2010: Seven Months

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 64 views

No SI. Happy 7 months. I guess...


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August 17, 2010: Scars

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 63 views

The scars on my wrist are beginning to fade. But I can still see where my skin was separated.


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August 1, 2010: A list of everything

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 80 views

An exercise on the post board:

Okay so I know what it's like you want to confront your abuser with a list of EVERYTHING he/she has put you through. Believe me writing it as a list is harder than it looks but here's a chance to be able to let it all out.

It's okay to list what you remember, then come back and repost the rest as another commen...


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August 16, 2010: Bookshelf

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 74 views

I'm putting together a bookshelf. I screwed a screw in the wrong hole. Now the screw that belongs to that hole doesn't fit right. The shelf won't be sturdy.


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July 13, 2010: Virginity

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 73 views

:trigger:
:trigger:
:trigger:
:trigger:


you were sober. you had a condom. you followed us back to my friends place. you had to know what you were doing...you were sober. you had a condom. you followed us back to my friends place. you had to know what you were doing...you were sober. you had a condom. you followed us back to my friends place. you had to...


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July 11, 2010: Perfect

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry, song 04 November 2010 · 97 views



"Breathe Me"

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am n...


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July 11, 2010: Others

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 69 views

I found a forum for "survivors" [Found Pandys]. Maybe talking to people who are dealing with this or something similar will help. I've been on it for at least a few hours now. Only kinda cried once after participating in the "what would you say to your attacker" post.

But this one was interesting. "Phrases that should be banned...


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July 10, 2010: Letter

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 71 views

I feel like throwing up. I can't write this letter. I shouldn't have to be fighting for this. It was suppose to be over two months ago. I am getting a migraine. I can't stop frowning. This goes down in the top five suckiest things involving this case.


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July 8, 2010: Goodbye New York

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 74 views

I'm without a counselor, without a space for myself. Without my friends to provide some distraction. Without a method to cope--alcohol, blades, or a good cry. Even these pills rob me of the latter. I thought leaving would help. I thought not being surrounded by that place of so many bad memories would help me take at least a step forward. But right no...


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July 8, 2010: Forget

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 73 views

I've been given an opportunity to write a letter to the appeals board. There is no guaranteed it will even be read or considered by them. I was just notified on what I should include in the letter:

"I am so sorry that this has continued for so long. Here is what Nicole suggested you could focus on if you were to write something:
- Areas where the...


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June 29, 2010: Waiting

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 69 views

More waiting. They just got the transcript to "the defendant", so he has 5 days to write his appeal. The board has 10 days to make a decision. I have X more days of set back.


"Thank you for contacting me. At this time I have forwarded your request to the Director, whom is currently on vacation. Once, I have more information someone from our...


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June 26, 2010: Lies

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 64 views

:trigger::

Lies

Heather just told me that Atul, that roommate who came in my room, pushed me back on my bed, and tried to get me to have sex with him, told everyone he fucked me 3 times. They said they didn't believe it. Whether they told him that, I don't know. I doubt it.

It's bad enough that for months I've felt like only a vessel. T...


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June 20, 2010: Shut Up

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 69 views

There are other people going through worse things or bad things happen to a lot of people" are two things you do NOT say to someone of this situation. It doesn't provide comfort. It doesn't give peace. It doesn't change the fact that something was taken from her. So don't say it. Just needed to make that clear.


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June 19, 2010: My Post Secret

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 65 views

I read through all 1090 cards posted on Facebook to keep from cutting. I cried, but it was nice knowing that other people are working out things too.

I keep thinking of what I would send, might send to post secret.

"You raped me. You were given 80 hours of community service. I guess that's what my virginity is worth."

"You got 80 hours...


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June 18, 2010: F

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 64 views

Post Secet


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June 18, 2010: Three Months

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 60 views

SI :trigger:


My knuckles are turning white
from gripping the blade too tight
trying to fight the need
to make my wrist bleed

1.26.10. Two years without a cut. 1.27.10. After two years, it felt harder than ever.

First fail: 2.20.10
Second fail: 3.18.10

I promised you I wouldn't. 6.18.10. I've made it three months.


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June 17, 2010: Angel

Posted by xRainx , in poem, backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 73 views

I thought the medicine would help,

but I still want to kill myself.

How do I say goodbye?

---
I want someone to hold me as I cry
not tell me it's going to be okay
You can't fix me
I have to fix me
So please,
just lie next to me
hold me
and help me fall asleep...
-----

Angel
Bells don't ring
for bells with broken wings
can't lift off t...


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June 13, 2010

Posted by xRainx , in song, backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 93 views

::trigger::

!


I don't know what's wrong. I'm sad again. I'm fading. Falling down into the black. I'm treading water. It's so hand to even breathe. I wish there was something I can do to make this go away. I'm up to 300 MG, but it's not working. W...






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